Well where to begin? and what to say?
first off, im not the happiest about college so far. to much happiness and talking for me. i need my alone time please. so im skipping most off the planned stuff for welcome week. its prob part of what has kept me sane these past few days. it has been way harder then i thought it would be to be so far from him.
so now he thinks that I dont want him anymore or something, idk. but its killing me to  see this happening. I dont want to lose him for anything. i just wish he could see that but I cant seem to get him to believe that.
i just, idk, its hard right now. im lost really, i cant seem to do anything right or say anything right, nothing helps. Im not gonna cheat or leave him, just wish he could get that.
RA you're my world and please don't let go.

Ok I hate football right now. It means less time with him :(

I don't know what else to do

I do everything in my power to show him that I don't have feelings for Matt anymore. And I thought that my messages on FB would prove that, guess not, they did the opposite. I wasn't on FB last night, I got on for a sec cause jessika commented on my status and I was looking at that, then I got off and got on craigslist for like 5 mins and then feel asleep.
Guess I screwed up again and it feels like there isn't any fixing it now. Cause now I know he doesn't believe and trust me and never will, no matter what I do. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this last summer. But as always I have to go and screw it up. I love him with all my heart and soul, I can't even express how much I love him, but it will never be good enough.
I love you RA, sooooo much. If you don't want me anymore ok, I sorta understand. I don't want anyone but you.

It's gonna be a long night

Well not the best day ever. Work was actually decent, thanks to Shelia coming back and the new puppies. The dentist was ok. I was already worried about RA but now I'm even more worried. I don't think football is a good idea for him, he is always getting hurt, is always sore, and extremely tired all the time. Then I had to go and make things even worse. I have now realized the horrible person that I am. I lie and am lazy and worthless and fat. I have let everything go, my school work, my room, and my ability to be a decent person. I can't even get myself to work out any more all I do is sit on my fat ass. The 130 lbs of me. I have gained 35 pounds since this time last summer. :( My room is always a mess cause I don't want to put stuff up where it belongs. I lie and am selfish. If I hadn't lied and been selfish I wouldn't be where I am right now with the person I love. I feel like I'm already losing him, the thought brings tears to my eyes. I now realize I brought it on myself, I learned my lesson, many times over. I'm being a brat about my car, Mike made me realize that, I'm spoiled. I don't even stop to think about others most of the time, except for RA I always put him first.
And whats worse is I actually thought about purposely getting in a wreck and hurting myself. Then I would be out of every one's way and I could punish myself for everything I have done. My world is falling apart just as it was getting perfect. This summer has been the best time of my life, honestly, no joke. He had helped me feel ok about myself and I kinda got back to the old me. I am truly happy when I'm with him. But I screwed it up.

I am fat, it is a fact now. I have lost all control, wish I could never eat again, but my fat ass can't do that. It won't even workout anymore. I'm so tired, but its gonna be hard for me to go to sleep tonight and work is going to be miserable tomorrow. Oh well

Why?

Why do I somehow screw everything up? After a long hard day I was finally doing better after I finally got to see him. He makes everything go away. I don't feel so worthless when I'm with him. But no, my asshole of an ex-bf has to go and be a jerk. He can't stand the fact that someone is better then him. Honestly you would you would really have to try to be worse then him.
And I brought this on myself. If I weren't such a horrible person this wouldn't have happened.
I wish he knew how much I love him (fyi, RA, talking about you now). And honestly, if you asked me to or I had to get married today, I'd marry you. (prob just scared you away even more) I never want to leave you, ever. I love everything about you and your family is awesome (most of the time).
RA the only way your gonna get rid of me is by telling me you dont care about me anymore.
Love you!!

Will I ever stay happy?

I'm done again, like way down. I'm fat and worthless. And right as I get happy with where I'm at I have to lose it. I only have a few weeks left here. all of this will disappear, RA, wht little confidence I had, and my happiness.  I will gain tons of weight and he will leave me. Oh well, thats my life for ya.

"So this, is love"

TI thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong, this is love, he is everything I ever wanted and more. I've never cared so much about someone as I do for him. It kills me to see him like this, I wish I was the one who was sick, he doesn't deserve this. I can't function when he is so sick. Bad sleep, can't do anything right, I miss him even though he is right next to me. He is all I can think about. I wish I could do more to trip him and make him better. Wish he would listen to me and let me help him.

I'm feeling kinda down as well. Probably just a mix of him being sick and me hating work and being broke and being fat. I'm worthless and pathetic. I have no effect on anyone or anything. Whats the point of me even going to Rhodes? Its not like I'm smart enough or am actually gonna do anything with my life. I feel like I'm just a bother to him and to everyone else. I was more useful when I was sick.

I'm spoiled, thats wht I am. Haven't had to work to hard for stuff, mom always got me almost anything I wanted. Well I need to grow up and stop being a baby.

I do know he makes me happy, he makes it all go away. I just gotta be strong for him now, when he needs me (or I think he does). I can do this, I'd do anything for him.

Ok back to college. I'm going to fail out. I can't do it. I'm not smart enough. I'm to lazy and unsocialable. I'm gonna have a horrible roommate and hate it. I won't be able to see him everyday either.

Oh well time to grow up.

LOVE YOU RA!!!!  Forever! Please dont ever leave me (unless you don't love me anymore).

Found it!!

I have been trying to find this quote for a long time. I heard part of it in a movie. It is part of one of Tennyson's poems.

"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow,
The delight of happy laughter,
The delight of low replies."

I don't know why but I like it.

well.....

He is out of town and retard kristauf is here so I am locked in my room. I'm kinda bored and missing him like crazy. I feel like such a baby, I have been fighting tears all day. I don't think I have smiled all day.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today, about a lot of things.
     1) my dad is being difficult. mainly about vacation time and child support money. he won't let my mom have one of his weekends when he does it all the time to her. I just want to scream at him. Stop drinking and creating drama all the time and life would be a lot easier for you!!!!
     2) College. How am I gonna survive? I'm not smart enough to do the work, I'm too shy, and I can't stand the thought of leaving him. I'm afraid its gonna get me started on my binging thing again. I'm afraid that I will hate it. At the same time I am excited. I finally get to be on my own, I don't have to worry about who's house I'm supposed to be at, telling my parents every little detail about what I am doing. The hardest part though is gonna be not being able to see him everyday.
     3) My future, what am I gonna do with my life? what will I become? Will I be a pilot, a vet/ vet tech, accountant? I'm tired of people asking and not having an answer, it makes me feel like I'm a disappointment.
     4) My weight/ED problem/issue. Am I getting better or getting worse? Am I really losing weight or gaining it? If I am doing better, will I keep it up or just crash when I go to college? I have also been thinking about the size I used to be and still wish I could have that back. I hate to try on clothes now, cause its all just a disappointment. Just another reminder of how fat I've gotten. But at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I've got him there to help me feel better about myself. Even though I may not openly agree with him, it helps me. Sometimes I say negative things about myself just to get him to disagree, I like it, it makes me feel better about myself.
     5) My car. I really really want better gas and a smaller car but I don't want to spend the money and I don't have the money. I might but I have a feeling my dad won't give me much help and I'm not gonna get much for my car. I am gonna get a new one, just don't know when.
     6) Are Jessika and I done? Will we ever see each other again? To be honest I don't care if we are done or not. Idk we'll see what happens.
     7) And the biggest one, how much I love RA. I wish I never had to leave his side. I never would have pictured myself with him but I am sooooo glad I am. I haven't been this happy in a while. I really don't know how I will be able to live without seeing him when I go off to college. He is amazing and I am so lucky to have  him. Thank you RA and I love you and I don't plan to stop loving you anytime soon.

well, I'm starting to get sad so I am gonna go.

Days Go By, I can Feel em' Flying Like a Hand Out the Window in the Wind

Well, the summer has had its ups and downs, mostly ups. Now I feel a big down coming, I have been fighting it for a couple days but I don't know how much longer I can make it. The worst part is that it makes me eat even more, which doesn't help any at all and makes me feel worse. This morning was one of the worst eating wise, 2 100 calorie packs, 1 cliff bar, and 2 packs of powdered doughnuts :( I am sooooo scared that I am going to go back to the bingeing. I was feeling so good about myself and I was having an amazing summer. Why must this always ruin it?
The summer is going by sooo fast, its almost July aready!! I have a feeling its gonna start getting crazy again, but I don't mind, I'll eat like a normal person then. I feel like my days are numbered, especially with him. I can't even find words to describe how much I care about him and how much he matters to me. Love You RA!! Hopefully I can make the best of the time that I have left in nashville.

FML!!!!!

Hello again!!!

wow, its been a while since I have been on. A lot has happened. both good and bad, but more good. I have an amazing new boyfriend, who I wouldn't survive without. I think that maybe I have lost some weight and I'm not having as many or as bad of the ups and downs. Its more of the ups and a lot of tiredness ( lots of bad sleep and work). I am soooooo happy right now, or mostly, or happier than I've been in a while. A lot of it is due to RA. As long as I am talking to him or with him, I forget most of the bad and I have a great time. He thinks he loves me more, but I'm not so sure about that. Sometimes all I can think about is beng with him at the end of the day or at least at some point. It gets so bad that I just want to curl up with him and never let go. I wish I could be the beautiful amazing girl that he thinks I am, cause he deserves that.
On to the bad, my dad is getting worse. More so with the drinking, even on vacation with RA there he still did it. He openly drinks in front of us and my grandmother now. Now its to where I get mad and upset with him just because he has been drinking, and its not the way he is acting that does it. Just the fact that he did.
My grandmother is doing better and worse, if that is possible. Her hair has grown back, she is back at her own house, but at the same time I see the pain in her face everyday and she still gets sick some days. It breaks my heart.
I also had to get glasses. Enough said there.
Ummmm, I guess thats the main stuff, so yeah, bye for now.

annoying

I wish sleep would come and save me before I lose it completely. The thoughts and memories from the past are fighting to get center stage in my mind. The later it gets into the night, the more attention those thoughts get. its taking everything in me right now to not get up and go to the top draw of my desk and do the deed. I'm barely able to keep from crying, but I'm making it.                                                                                                                                Well, frankly, I'm tired of the up and downs of my emotions and mind. I will have an amazing guy but somehow it will get ruined by bedtime. Right now all I can think about is memories and what once was. Not so much of what I am now but more of pain over what I have lost. I just have to remember that I have also gained some things as well.  I have gained an amazing guy, the knowledge of who my true friends are, knowing that appearance isn't everything (even though it still bothers me), and the importance of being yourself. I have lost complete happiness (that is, w/o the voice saying you're fat all the time), I've lost some friends, I lost myself, I have lost people's trust, I lost my confidence and drive, and I lost some of my faith. So, see, there are pros and cons, the question is..... which side will win?                                                                                                                                                   This past week has been the best week for me all year almost. I don't remember being so happy in a long time. I thank you RA for sticking with me through all my crap and bipolarness lol. I enjoy every minute with you.  You are the only one who has come anywhere close to understanding me and my issues. See I even forgot all about ED for a the time it took me to type that. You have no idea how much you help me everyday. I love you!!!!!!!                But the minute I log off I will return to battle, my only hope is for sleep to come......

Well let me just start out by saying, Today Was Freaking Awesome!!! Even though it was super hot outside I still had a great time. Today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. (Even though it did have some shadows) Yesterday was a great day as well; which is surprising considering how much I freaking ate! Besides me having to work this morning, today was amazing. I'm so glad he came with me to the festival (again, it was hot!). I didn't feel like a complete odd ball this time. Then the afternoon/evening I spent with him was my absolute favorite of the day. I could just lay with him all day and be content. RA, just want to let you know, the few tears that did fall were not b/c of anything you did, it happens to me all the time. Also, I LOVE YOU!!!! Wish you didn't have exams and I didn't have work, and maybe I coulda stayed longer, but hey, we have all summer :)

and of course ED isn't far behind. What is weird is that I had a few times during the day that I actually thought about doing something, which hasn't happened in a while now. I don't know, I feel like all this happiness is going to be taken away by my bipolar depression again. I just need to accept the fact that I am a screw up and I am worthless. I have freaking gained 30 pounds in less than a year. It kills me to think how hard I had to work to lose all that in the first place. It kills me that I can't get myself to do it again. It kills me to see my favorite pair of jeans folded up in the back of the closet b/c I can't wear them anymore. It kills me that I don't even feel comfortable wearing jeans at all. It kills me that I am not what people think I am. I am not skinny, beautiful, hot, small, nice, etc. I am none of these things, but whenever someone says something like that it just makes me want to work harder to fill what they think I am but at the same time makes me want to give up. I don't know, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.

Mixed Emotions

I am such a mess right now. I'm all around the place with emotions. One minute I'm happy the next I'm calm the next I'm sad. Its so un-nerving.
Like, I'm happy because its summer and no more school, but then I start thinking about me and I get all the feelings that come with my weight issue, then I'm calm because I know its all gonna be ok, then I'm sad because he is mad at me, then I'm tired for no flipping reason, then depressed because its summer and that means shorts and a bathing suit.
Some people I just can't understand, at all. Enough said, moving on.
These flipping cicadas are driving me nuts!!! They need to shut up! I mean, what good do they do, all they do is make noise and fly around and be gross.
I am such a fatty!!!! I had a big bowl of cereal this morning, then later i had a bunch of double stuff oreos, then later I had some chips (natural, whole grain kind), then I had some yogurt which I could barely finish because I drank to much water. Hopefully I won't eat anything else today. It would help if I could stay out of the house, cause I get bored and I eat.
How come, everytime I think of him I smile? or cry, or frown, or giggle, or sigh? I didn't think one person could have such a big affect on someone.
Ok I kinda like work now. Yes it may get hot and I may get frustrated but I like it, the people and the dogs. Days like today make me wish that I worked all day or more. It keeps my mind off things and gives me exercise.
Here is a link to some pics. I love love love flowers and nature pictures!!!! I can just look at these when I'm down and they will help a little. I'll add more pics later.
Beautiful
Ok I'm running out of time so I better go.
RA if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!!! haha I know, I'm creepy, sorry.

sorry

RA I don't know how to express how sorry I am and how much I love you. I know I screwed up big time and that it will take a long time to fix it. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry and I'll never lie again. I know, I know, you don't even believe me when I say that. If you don't believe anything else I say, at least believe this, that I love you more than you know and that I will never lie to you again.

Not what I expected

Well, I managed to walk across the stage without tripping. I am so tired right now. The two days before I was so nervous I could barely eat or sleep. And having to go to work the next day doesn't help either. Because when I am up, I am up for the day. I had fun during and after graduation but the afternoon and night were not the best. I realize now, I was kinda being a little over dramatic about it but, I just didn't want to mess with crap last night. So on my graduation day I was in bed and asleep by 9:30. Over all the I'm proud of you's and congrats, I still feel like crap. Not so much as I used to but still enough to bother me. I wish I could've seen RA, it would've helped me a lot. But life's not meant to be easy and let me tell you that mine as been far from easy. But when I look back on all these years, there are moments I'm glad I have, moments I regret, moments that were the saddest and happiest of my life. I have learned a lot over the last four years alone. I am going to miss a select few from high school but, the majority of them I say good riddance!!

Pictures:
Graduation!

I am ready for a great summer. But I would like the humidity and the cicadas to go away! Just enough annoying stuff to make me want to stay inside and be lazy, which isn't good. Oh well.

*Sigh*

Hmmmm, looooonnnng day. So much going on, its crazy and tomorrow will be worse. It was a pretty good day, would've been better if I hadn't had the snack before I laid down for the night. Now I'm laying here and all I can think about is how fat I am, ugh! Oh well.
Right now all I want is to be curled up with RA and sleeping. It's gonna be a long weekend without him. Sometimes when he questions me though it hurts, and it kinda makes me question myself. I guess I just have to earn his trust back, or earn it for the first time.
Wow, I didn't think it would hurt this much. I really did screw up. Dang
I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now. Like it almost physically hurts, to know that he doesn't believe anything I say.
I guess I asked for it.....

Hard

Well this is extremely hard. Going through a day is like climbing a mountain. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for him. It would also help if I could just cry and let it all out.I feel such a mixture of things right now. I want to just give up but at the same time I want to fight it. Now my mom is starting to worry about me, which isn't good because she would just make it worse. It's like I have a two track mind, one side is ED and the other is RA. Those are the things I'm always thinking about.
I just can't wait till graduation, then that's one less thing I have to worry about. I can leave that stupid he'll hole and never come back. Hopefully the pain will go away completely then.
Well I'm back to the ED topic.......again. Sorry. I just wish things could stay good. They get good then go bad again and it's not just slightly, it's major. No one will ever understand. I'll just keep it to myself from now on.
Someone please help my dad!!!
I'm tired of being alone, I just like to have someone I really care about right next to me. It helps me to know that I am wanted by someone or that I can actually do something right. And for a while I forget everything.

Ehhh day

Today started out ok. I didn't sleep well the night before and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I went to school and took two exams that I passed. Then I went home.....not good. I had a bowl of cereal (that was ok), then yogurt (that was pushing it), then some veggie lasagna (over doing it), then some ice cream (really over doing it), some point I had 2 nutri-grain bars (way way over board), then some cheese and twislers (overboard). So my world came crashing down once again. I lost it. I just wanted to leave but I couldn't. I just wanted to escape my life. Everything around here has to many bittersweet memories. So, I drove, I went all the way to Ashland city. Its the only place that I know how to get around. Here are some pics: 
Ashland City

After I got home I felt a lot better. Not totally good again but better. Would've been better if I had gotten to see RA. but he is still here so I'm not complaining. I didn't even feel like yelling at my mom and brother today. I am in an unusual calm mood right now. Its really weird. I just hope Jessika doesn't ruin it.

RA I am really sorry, for everything. I don't mean to constantly hurt you. I'm trying so hard not to do anything bad. I really do mean what I say. The reason it took me so long to say it is because I'm so careful with that kinda thing. I don't want to end up making the wrong decision. I want to make sure its what is best and its what I want. When I'm feeling horrible all I can think is, "I wish he was here with me".

I found this quote on a while ago and I agreed with it whole heartily:
"i want a guy who calls you beautifull instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. the boy who kisses your forehead who thinks you're pretty without makeup on. the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you."
RA is the closest I have come to that, and I feel pretty lucky to have him as a friend (maybe as more in the future, that is if he wants that).

As for school and graduation, I'm at the point where I'm just going through the motions. The day I walk across that stage will be so bittersweet. I will finally be done with overton and high school but at the same time I'm losing everything. I'm just gonna make the best of it, hopefully I won't have to many break downs. And my dad, well he is doing better but I still worry about him everyday. I just can't wait to go on vacation with him at the end of the month. Back to nature!! and out of nashville!!! I wish that RA didn't have to go to school for so long or I would take him with me :) that is even if he could or wanted to. but he is stuck at school with exams.
Oh well, guess thats all I got to say, bye bye.

well.....

I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't cry, I don't get mad, so what am I suposed to do?? Coming home is like hell now. It all comes rushing back to me. Like, I feel so numb right now. I can't even describe it. So many things running through my head right now. Doubt, fear, excitement, happiness, sadness, sorrow, confusion, all going a hundred miles an hour through my mind.
I now realize what separates the men from the boys. I realize what really matters, most of the time. I know how important the truth is, and what lieing can do. I now know the full power of words and actions. I now know who are my real friends and who are just jerks. Now the problem is everyone else not knowing all this.
I'm now wondering if my dad was right. All every buy thinks or wants from a girl is to get into her pants. Most don't care about her, they just like her body. RA if you are this way, please leave now. Cause I've had enough guys who are like that. That's why I don't like to kiss and stuff like that, because that's how I tell if a guy really cares. If all he tries to do is get physical (Lio) I know they don't like me for me. Yeah, don't get me wrong, I like all the compliments from everyone, but that makes me feel like that's all they see sometimes. I just really hope your not one of those guys......
I love spending time with you and I wish I never had to leave you.  You make me forget everything.

Ugh!!!! I wish I could cry!! I need to so bad right now!!!
I also wish I could sleep.
I wish I was 93 lbs again,
I wish I wasn't so tired most of the time,
I wish I could just run away,
I wish that I could go back in time,
I wish that I could be a good person, I feel like I'm a horrible, dirty, crazy girl.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

What happened? What brought this on?

Well I feel like I'm falling, and falling quick. I have had a semi-great week. I was actually feeling good, until today. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm trying sooooo hard to. but I don't know how much longer I can make it. I'm having thoughts come back and the depression. I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough, nothing works. Everywhere I go, there are memories, of what was and reminders of how I have given in. I mean, this week was really good, compared to the others. It was my birthday, I didn't go to school for most of it, I got my yearbook, had my last full day of high school, spent an amazing night with this guy. But today was all downhill. This is exactly why I don't like to go out anywhere. I see all the skinny girls, all the clothes I wish I could wear, all the food I wish I could eat, all the fun I wish I could have. But right now, It all feels kinda hopeless, how long will it take?
I just want to escape for a while. I want to go out and leave this reality and this pain. I could really use it. I think my mom would kill me if I did that. I would go right now if I didn't have to work or take exams. I would just go, with no plans, sleep in my car if I had to.
FML!!! My mom and brother are going to the Y and I can't even bring myself to go. I know I need to but I just can't do it right now. It's not gonna happen. Once again, they are so much better than me.
Oh man, I wish I could put into words what I am thinking right now. How can you go from one day being great to the next being complete crap? I don't get it, it's horrible. Like I can't even cry right now, I'm not even angry, I just kinda am. but my brain feels like its going to explode.
I have no one right now, or that's what it feels like.
I have felt worse than this before but I have never had to thoughts that I am having now. I hope I'm not turning into my dad....
RA where are you when I need you!!

Is it possible for your heart to really,physically break??? Cause that's kinda how mine feels like right now. I feel like I have divided it up and given it to certain people and they just don't care or don't even realize it. MB took a hunk of it and just threw it on the ground and stomped on it, RA has part of it but doesn't realize it. He thinks he means so little to me. If he didn't mean anything, if I didn't care, would I have told him everything about me, would I have come to him crying my eyes out? It's like the chunk of my heart that he has he takes for granted.
I wish I knew who to believe. I wish I could trust my closest friends. I wish I could just run away.
I just wish I could better explain how I feel and what I'm thinking right now.
I have never felt so hurt in my life and it sucks!!
I feel hurt and betrayed by most of my friends (MB, RA, HD, JK).
Is it bad that I'm to tired and uncaring right now that I can't even cry? Cause that's all I want to do right now but all I can do is stare into my darkened room, hoping sleep will eventually come.

(2 of 2) then I could just go....

(1 of 2) So, I feel completly alone in the world right now. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have lost my two best friends. I wish I ahd money, cause

 I fell like crap but at the same time I feel great? It makes no sense to me. I feel great because I didn't have to go to school today, I got to hang  out with some friends (even though it wasn't the best time), I had fun scrapbooking, and I'm not constantly thinking about my weight. It was bad because he still managed to rip my heart out, I feel bigger than ever, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I miss Humbolt like crazy. Today  would have been perfect if I weren't so freaking fat and lazy, if I hadn't eaten, and if I could stop caring. Because all it does is cause me pain and misery. I'm thinking that I just need to take off on my own for a week, I'll be 18 soon. I'm tired of the drama, the pain, the tears, and the worry. Over everything. All I ever want to do anymore is lay on the swing by myself and listen to nature. Maybe my mom and brother are right, I am a hermit. Or maybe I'm tired of the real world...... 

Frustration

Here are some pics from this weekend. I have a bunch more but they are of flowers. I had one of my best weekends I've had lately. Which is weird because it was spent with my dad.
This weekend

Ok here is the deal. I don't even want to deal with all my crap. Like I'm thinking about it all but its in the back of my mind. Like right now I'm telling myself fat ass get up of your butt and exercise. You know what I'm doing?, sitting here writing this. I don't even care enough right now to do something about it. I'll just regret it later, whats new.
I should clean my room, study for AP Gov't, give the dogs a bath, etc. But nope, I'm just being lazy.

At this point, I am tired of trying to fix things when they go wrong. If things can't stay good, then it's just not meant to be. shit happens but not all of it can be fixed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want things to go wrong or to give up but there is only so much you can do.

Like, I don't even want to cry, but I prob will tonight, it always comes back. I'll prob be up all night since I slept most of the day. I woke up before my alarm for work went off which was set for 6:15 am. When I got back at like 8 I tried to sleep right away but I couldn't. So I got up and helped my dad with yard work and played with lucy and laid on the swing and got some sun. Then we went to McKay's and a few other places and when we got back I got back on the swing, then I helped dad some more then I finally slept. I actually fell asleep on the floor! lol I got up at about 5 and ate and then came back to my moms early, before they got back from Memphis.
Overall I really enjoyed my weekend even though I ate way to much and didn't run or anything. Saturday night was bittersweet though. It started out good then took a turn for the worse. I'm not gonna get into the details, lets just say that I wasn't a very happy person. It ended fairly well. I sat outside on the swing till late because I actually feel alseep on it. But it was amazing and I loved it.
I just don't want the week to start, because I'll prob go back down into my sad depressed self. On the bright side, I only have two weeks of school left. 

While I was playing on my Ipod I found some interesting stuff.
       "If a man or woman has done his best, what else is there?" 
      " I may not lead the most dramatice life, but in my brain it's war and peace everyday."
       "Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool."
       "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
     "I wish I could just float away and I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving the ones I loved and I could start a new"
      "Don't worry about anything instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done."
     "sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
     "you put me through so much yet still love you"
     " there's always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok."
     "what do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?"
      " cus I need, I need a hand to hold, to hold me from the edge, the edge I'm sliding over slowly....."
     "who do you turn to? when the only person in the world who can stop you crying is the one thats making you cry?"
     "its a great day... don't let some idiot ruin it for you"  :)
    "sometimes the ones that smile all the time are the ones who truly need help"
    "drunkenness is temporary suicide; the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessationg of unhappiness"

Great now they are home, and I have to deal with them. They are just to happy for me, its kind of annoying. Like I know ya'll are better than me, so you don't have to put it in my face. You're tanner than me, thinner than me, smarter than me, funner than me, must I go on?

Ugh Ugh Ugh, I feel so freaking fat right now!!! Here comes the anger hopefully I won't do anything stupid this time. I wish I had gas in my car :(

Honestly I am very tempted to go live with my dad right now, thats how much I hate this place right now.

Gah!!!!!!!! I want to scream!!!!! Ugh, things are coming back, time to risk running out of gas and go to the creek before they get back. all alone once again........

More Pictures!!!!

these are just some random pictures that I picked out. Im going through all my pictures on my computer and found some good ones.

Ahhhhh, better times

Old Times

Pictures

here is a link to some old pictures of me

These were the good days

I'm so tired, of everything. Right at this moment I just have the attitude of I don't care about anything and I give up. I fighting the urge.......

RA thanks for putting up with all my crap.

More pictures coming later tonight or this weekend.

ehhh

So today wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I'm glad we aren't doing anything in school because I wouldn't do any work anyway. So I haven't been thinking a whole lot sense this morning because it hurts to much. I just can't wait till school is out. I actually had fun at work and after I got home. I went to the creek and took some pictures, they didn't turn out great but I had fun and that's all that matters. I'll try to get them up somehow cause of course it won't be easy and work the correct way.

I feel like sometimes he is jerking me around. Like if I'm the only girl around then yeah I'm his but if there is someone else he rips my heart out. But idc, as long as he is still there to talk to. I know, I'm crazy.

RA, you mean more to me then anyone does right now. Don't ever forget that. Your perfect the way you are.

Oh boy, I'm on my "fake high" right now and I can feel the crash coming. WHY!!!!!! ERRRR!!!!!
My eyes hurt too much already and I can hardly breath as it is. Dang it!!! well just shows how screwed up I am.....

It's been a long, boring, stressful, confusing day so far. More later....

Lord give me strength!!

This weekend was going great! I felt like I was finally coming back and that my hard work was paying off. I guess it was just my head fooling me. Cause tonight I feel as fat as ever and its getting really hard to keep my spirits up right now. Now I'm scared to see what I will do once I get home after school tomorrow. Will I be able to stay strong and not pig out? Will I be able to run or exercise?
OMG!!! I just want to just go run nonstop all night!!! I feel like I've completely ruined everything today. I have also banned myself from looking at the pictures on my laptop. They just remind me of how much I've lost.
I just really want someone to talk to right now. umm like MB, but I don't want to bother him anymore. RA just is, idk. I feel like I can't really talk to him till we get everything worked out, if we even do. Even then will he understand?
RA, there's something I want you to try to understand. Yes you might have said something similar to what he told me but you couldn't have had the impact or said the exact same thing. He knew me before all this mess, like last year and way before that even. So when he said that, I knew something had to change. I don't want you thinking you didn't help at all, cause you did, a lot. Who knows what I would've done that night. I wouldn't blame you if yo gave up on me, I don't deserve it. I've treated you like crap. I can't say sorry enough, and its not like you believe anything I say anyways. All I can say is that I'm trying my gdamn hardest to become the person I used to be. who would've never done all this crap, who wouldn't have taken you for granted.
I wish I could move on but I can't....... I love him..........but he doesn't anymore.......

Goodbye new me, hello Old me!!!

Lately I have been feeling so lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore and I couldn't make sense of what was going on in my head. But then after thinking for a couple of days, I figured I would ask an old friend for help. And he did. I told him that I knew I had changed but that I didn't think it was a good change and I asked him what he thought. It said that I had changed. I then proceeded to ask him if it was bad. His response, "I mean, I like the old you better. but I mean a lot of it is you not believing in yourself, you don't have confidence, there isn't any of the drive and determination you used to have. its like you just gave up on everything."
And you know what? after a few tears in the bathroom at work, I realized that he was right. I hope that I can get back to the old me, like he says, "you need to find those qualities you had before all this because that's where you need to be".  Harsh, but so true. I was so much happier then.
I then proceeded to apologize about everything. and said that "I didn't know what happened to me, but I'm tired of this mess." his response, "yes me too haha".  Now if what he said earlier didn't hurt that did!! but I'm cool with it. Because he didn't lie to me, he was just blunt, which is what I wanted, don't get me wrong.

I also took RA's advice about trying to take my "happy pills" again. And it actually helped, so thank you.

So hopefully this is a whole new start for me, no more mess.

RA

I'm sorry. I realize now how stupid I've been. I would like to be friends but, thats if you would want to. As for Kristauf and Jonny, I hate them. MB is my best friend. Thats all, he is over me.
I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again.

one more thing for today.

I give up for today!!!!

I'm just gonna have to settle with getting fat.

end of story.

ok, how do I always get things wrong or mess them up?
I can't eat right, I can't act right, I can't do anything right.
I feel like I'm all alone again. No one to talk to or who understands.
yeah, I may "have lots of issues that I need to work out" (thanks Hannah, didn't know it was so obvious). but my question is, how do I "work" them out?

I was almost to the point of tears at the end of the day. Nothing is going right. I can't figure MB out. One day he talks to me and acts like a good friend and the next he barely talks to me. And hangs out with all the "skinny" popular girls. I don't know, I'm probably just jealous, no I am jealous. On top of that I was feeling horrible because I ate the lunch they brought for us. It wasn't part of my plan. Then when we get back I walk by one of MB best girl buddies ,Katlyn, and she is staring at me. I had to walk away to get here to stop. I can't help but to feel like she doesn't like me for some reason.
At this point I wanted to go home and bawl my eyes out. you know what I did instead?I ate, pizza, and a whole lotta m&m's.  So at this point I feel completely useless. I tell myself that I can't sit down or it will all turn into fat. so I figure I'll go for a walk with Lucy, and see if that helps any. No it did not. If anything, I come out of it feeling worse. I made RA feel like crap, when he isn't. Why can't he see its for the best.

The worst part of everything is that I feel like I am losing my best friend. I mean, I've known him since first grade. Now I feel like he is slowly slipping away.

Who am I?? That is the question I'm trying to figure out.
Why do I do the things I do?
Why does it bother me so much?
Where did I go wrong with him?
What went wrong?
Why am I so powerless?
What did I ever do to them?

I'll get back to you later, I gotta play taxi.

Bits and Pieces

RA

Here are the parts of "Tomorrow" by Chris Young  that I was talking about.

Tomorrow I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna let you go and walk away
Like every day I said I would
And tomorrow, I'm gonna listen
To that voice of reason inside my head
Telling me that we're no good

We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But there's too much bad for us to think
That there's anything worth trying to save

We are always arguing about something. You either assume the worst of me or of yourself. We are always threatening to hurt ourselves if the other does something. Its not right.
Plus, I can't keep dragging you along. You want to be more than friends but I don't and I'm not sure if I will ever want to be more than that.

You haven't done anything. It's just that we don't go good together, we just make things worse for each other, or at least I make them worse for you.
So, don't do anything stupid. I'm gonna keep my promise so please keep yours.
No matter what you think, I do care and would hate to see anything happen to you.

RA

I shoulda stuck to what I said that night. I new I would regret taking it back. Things get better for a couple days then it gets bad again.  And it's not anything you did, trust me. So I mean it this time when I say goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Just don't blame yourself.

Shadows Everywhere

Is it bad that I don't want to come home. I go out and I just don't want to have to come back home. Sometimes I just wish I had my own place and just lived alone. I kinda feel like I don't belong here anymore. My mom and brother are always together doing stuff, and when I am with them I always feel left out. Like at church today, I was sitting in between my mom and brother, I got up to go to the bathroom and came back to find that my brother had taken my spot. Once again I was separated from them. I kinda feel really alone whenever I'm home. I mean I could go out there with them, but it is just weird for me, its hard to explain, I just feel like I can't talk to them.
My dad isn't doing good either. I am so worried about him all the time now. He doesn't know when to stop. My heart pounds every time I see the grimace in his face. Seeing the bruises, scraps, and swelling just makes me want to cry.
The only time that I feel ok or good is when I'm with him. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

RA

I'm sorry. For everything. For the pain I caused, for the trouble I have caused. I'm sorry that I treat you the way I do. I don't know why I do, I honestly have no clue why I do.
Sometimes I take out the anger and frustration I have toward myself, and throw it at you. Even when you didn't do anything wrong.
I feel like I should leave you alone. Cause I just make things worse for you. Plus, I'm not even worth it.
So I guess this is goodbye. Don't think its your fault, cause it definitely is not!!! It's mine and always has been. I enjoyed every minute I spent with you. But it doesn't hide the bad things good enough. I screw up everything I touch.
Be careful and don't do anything stupid. I would never forgive myself.

So Tired

I am so worthless. I have lost myself and I can't do anything but sit around and mope and cry. I want to be skinny so bad but I can't make myself do anything about it. And I can't blame anyone for it. Its all my fault. I did this to myself. I gotta stop taking it out on other people. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I know the possible solutions but I'm so damn weak that I can't make myself do it. Even when someone tells me its ok to do it, I still can't. I'm a monster, who doesn't care about anything but herself.
I lie to myself and to everyone else. I don't know whats wrong with me.
anybody got any ideas??????
Maybe I am as bad as people say I am.......

Can I ever do anything right??

apparently not.........

I Hate Myself!!
I want to sew my mouth shut.

hmph

Well I don't know what to say. I'm trying to stay positive and keep things to myself but its hard. I'm tired of writing about all the bad stuff, its just the only time that I want to write.
So I'm offically not the real me anymore. I now realize that now. The pieces have finally fell into place, I can see what I have become. I blame it all on ED.
I'm now mean, a player, a bitch, a liar, a fatty, fake, lazy, and stupid. I've lost everything. or at least it feels like it.
On top of that, my brother continues to outshine me in everything. I feel like I'm useless now.
No matter how hard I try I can't do anything right. and it sucks, I feel powerless. but whats new.
Oh no, tears, better go......

Sooooooooooooooooo tired!!! of everything!!!
and I wish this constant pain would go away!!

I don't know what to say or do anymore

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML !!!!!!!! ok, I have recently realized how much of a complete screw up I am. I really really am. I treat my friends like crap and I don't care almost anything anymore. It's almost like I have given up on trying to get back what once was. I have been trying not to admit it to myself but I think I have slowly lost who I truly am. I don't know when it started happening but I have a feeling it had to do with ED, in differents ways and reasons. I am no longer the good student like I used to be, I no longer keep to myself, I no longer have control over food/eating, I am no longer as nice as I used to be, I have huge mood swings now, its ridiculous. I purposely avoid spending time with my mom now when she used to be all that i had. I miss the happiness of last year, the good times. Now all I have is trouble and depression. I feel weird saying that but I don't know how else to explain it. It doesn't help that now its getting warmer out and I have nothing that fits, its all from the 93 lb me, which I miss so much!!! Hopefully I can at least get to 100 lbs again soon. I can't keep going on like this anymore, its killing me.
I can hardly stand spending time at my dad's either. He seems like he is constantly drunk now. It makes me so mad. Plus he acts so stupid. He doesn't even try to hide the beer now. I'm debating weather or not I should tell him how I feel. I don't want to hear more crap and see him cry and him try to find something in common with me or try to make excuses. I've heard to many by now. I'm soooooo tired of it! It takes everything in me not to yell at him sometimes.
(RA your gonna hate me for what I'm about to say)
The only thing keeping me sane right now is MB, at least it feels like it. He keeps me motivated and trys to get me to run everyday. He can always make me feel better and he was the only one who thought I never had a ED in the first place. I feel like I can tell him anything and he would never judge me for it. Like at the game one night, I cried my eyes out in front of him and he didn't run away. He talked to me about it and told me I could fix it I just had to work at it everyday.
Also the one year anniversary of the hospital stay is coming up. Which doesn't help any at all. I find myself thinking about it more often now. I sometimes wish I could go back to then. I know its horrible but its true. Its a symbol/sign that I was still skinny or smaller than I am now. A sign that I was still doing something right. I remember sitting in my room at night watching Pirates, texting MB, and not having any worries but when I was getting out. The best part was when I finally got to leave, I will never forget that day! I got to go eat something that wasn't hospital food, than I went home and enjoy the fresh air for the first time in a week and a half, than I went to his game to surprise him. I will never forget his face when he found out I was there. At the same time I remember the day I had to go to the hospital. I had had a really doctors appt. when out of nowhere the doc decided I needed to go to the hospital. I was so mad and didn't understand why. but I had no choice but to go. So before I went home to get my stuff together I went by his game. Sense I couldn't wait till the end of the game I had no choice but to get him out of the dugout. I tried to hold the tears in while I told him where I was going. I didn't want to leave him but he had to play so I left in tears just as I had come in tears. But I still look back on that week as something I will always want to go back to.

just another day

today was just like any other normal day. school school school. But, I didn't have to work and I got to see my dog, who I have missed dearly for the past few months. I was so excited and I can't stop petting her. The sun was out again as well. It felt so good! It also reminded me of how hard I'm going to have to work to get into shape for the summer. At least I didn't eat to much junk today, almost made it with less than 1,000 calories but blew it at the end of the day, I had to have the twislers! My new plan is to go home, change, leave the house, watch rugby practice, go to work, get home and eat light, if I have energy run or something, shower then bed. Hopefully it will keep me from eating to much. It may not, at this point I have tried everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't work. Just trying to stay positive.

so.....idk if I want to talk about some stuff yet. oh well, I'll just keep blabbing cause I feel like writing. I want a new car soooo bad, I hate my granny mobile!! but I think I'm gonna be stuck with it for a while, a long while. Ok, question, why aren't we ever satisfied with what we have? why do we always want more or something different? I'm not saying that I'm not included in this category, because I am. My guess is that we always want to be better than everyone else or we want to be the best we can be. Also we get mad because we mess up every once and a while. but why? Its not like we are or can be perfect and never do anything wrong.

I guess I should give up on him. I don't know what went wrong. Oh well, I'm not surprised.
Good Night

ugh!!

I am going on a roller coaster right now. Up down, up down, up down..... One moment I feel great and the next I'm falling apart. I'm tired of it. Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I'm just so tired of what I plan in my head not actually happening. I'm so close to just giving up. I keep thinking of things I haven't tried before. I think about not eating at all or fasting for a little bit. but deep inside I know it won't work. I know why but I don't want him to know, it's embrassing, its the one thing I haven't told him. At least I don't remember telling him. Only one person outside of my family knows and thats MB. Its just something I fight with every single day. It is what keeps me from losing weight and in a way excersising. Also I have had some thoughts about drinking, and I have come close to actually doing it. I know its wrong and I hate it with a passion but I just want to forget everything and have some fun. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, feeling like I'm worthless and that I can't do anything. All I see in myself right now is a fat, lazy, stupid, annoying girl. ugh! I wish I could write and explain what I am thinking right now! Its so frustrating!
The other night had to be one of the worst nights ever. I felt so freaking bad. It was so pathetice. I was laying in bed, curled up next to my stuffed elephant, balling my eyes out. I couldn't even let it all out or I would have woken my mom and brother up. I was just so overwhelmed with the past year and what I have become. I was frustrated with myself and how I let people tell me what to do. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling like shit every f***ing day!  I went from a size 0 to over a size 5! I refuse to buy any bigger then a 6, absolutely refuse to. I wake up everyday thinking this is a brand new day, you can do it, you can be normal, but it never works out. I always screw it up like the idiot that I am. Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever. I can't even look at my prom pictures without holding back frustration and tears.
On a good note, Lucy is home tomorrow!! I am soooo excited to see her. Plus I don't have to work! I just hope its nice outside again. I also got this huge stuffed elephant, Manny, I love him!! He is adorable, he makes me feel better, and he is always there when I want a hug. I know, I'm crazy. And today was so much fun. The sun was actually out! It probably also had to do with the fact that I actually exercised some as well. Seeing him helped a lot as well. I forgot about stuff for a little bit. and I didn't have to go to work.
But now I'm home again and in my room trying to fight off the sadness and tears and loneliness. I'm sure it will happen at some point anyway though. I still can't find works for what I am thinking. Maybe its because I'm in such a good mood. I don't know.

Not the best day

well yet another long day. Senior slide show was a piece of crap. Then I had a horrible 3rd block. I have way to much crap going on right now. School grades and attendance, my dad in the hospital, work, and prom making me feel like a fatso, and trying to figure out the mess with the trio of friends I have. I feel like I am falling apart in a way. But at the same time I feel like I am gaining so much more. Gah I'm so tired I can't even think.

busy busy busy

Well nonstop day today. 1st I got up late for school. Then we had the senior picnic which was so much fun!! The dodge ball tournament was so fun and then just waiting in line for an hour for food and then playing cards with a bunch of friends. It was one of the best days. Then I had to take a car load of rugby players to practice. I had 4 in the backseat and 2 in the passenger seat. So when I turned in to the park some pipe on the bottom of my car scratched against the pavement. but I don't even know what it was and I hope its not important cause I'm not gonna try to look at it anymore. Then I had work from 3 till 6. It wasn't that bad today, probably because I kinda know what I'm doing now. Then I rushed to the baseball game and made it for the last 10 minutes of it. Then I went home and exercised for 30 minutes (I know, not a lot, but you gotta start somewhere). Then I had to go back out for an errand. Finally I got home for the night and I was gonna do more running but I was too tired and just got in the shower. I know I will regret it later, a lot. Now its 9:30 and I'm laying in bed and relaxing kinda. I've still got a lot on my mind: prom, work, ED, guys, family (dad), and school in general. In a way I'm glad I'm so busy because I don't think about things as much or I don't have time to anymore.
So I can't figure those two out. They change from day-to-day. I never know what to expect from them. First it was she didn't want me to have anything to do with him and he didn't want to have anything to do with her. Then out of nowhere they are cool again and I'm so confused. Now she wants to help fix things between me and him?????? He also gets mad so easily, like I was at work on my first day and he basically gets mad at me cause I couldn't talk to him?? I just can't keep up with these two. I don't know anymore.
Prom well, it's stupid and I hate it!!!!
So my dad is getting a heart cath tomorrow "just in case". He said he was having epigastric pain and sweating badly. I swear I worry more and more about him everyday. It would also help if he would stop smoking and drinking, I don't know, its not like I'm a doctor or anything, just doesn't take much brains to figure that out.
Ok I could go on and on but I'm not gonna. I hope things start to make sense again at some point.

Weird

well school is now officially akward and weird. I can't even look at him in the hallway. It's stupid! Everyone keeps asking me about prom and crap but I don't want to answer because that would bring on even more questions. I don't even know how to act now. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Oh well, gotta switch classes, this will be interesting.

Why me? Why now? Why?

Well, where do I start? How about the fact that I feel all alone now? I know I have friends but they just seem so distant now. MB doesn't even act the same around me. I'm sure HD hates me now and I don't blame her. I don't even know who to believe anymore. Its so ridiculous. RA hates me as well. I'm seeing a new side of him now. Trying on dresses didn't help at all either. I am going to run and eat only fruits and vegetable for a week, maybe even longer than that. Gah, I don't even know how to express the way I feel right now. I had everything and then I lost it. I have no one to talk to now. I don't want to make things worse with MB, RA doesn't want to talk to me or I'm afraid to talk to him, I don't want my mom to worry, and my dad is always drunk. I almost lost it this weekend. He was getting on my last nerve!! I can't even be happy that I finally got a job. I mean yes I'm getting paid but it is working at a vet clinic in their kennels. At least I well get to work with the dogs, they won't have any bad feelings toward me.
I feel so worthless right now.
"one good thing about music-when it hits-you feel no pain"
"sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
"is anybody out there? I feel like I'm talking to myself, No one seems to know my struggles and everything I come from. can anybody hear me?"
"there is always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok"

Bittersweet Times

Well, it's been an interesting past couple weeks. I have had good and bad days both shadowed with it's opposite.London was amazing but shadowed with ED. Sunday after London was great but full of guilt. Monday was happy and sad. Tuesday wasn't the best but good at the same time.
I have lost someone very important to me but at the same time I know it's for the best and it bothers me not to talk to him. I know it kills him to know that I still love MB. But at the same time I like RA. But he is always telling me to just go be with MB and maybe now I will. I kinda feel like that's what he wants me to do and that he just wants to get rid of me. But at the same time I know he doesn't want that.
MB is also confusing as well but I'm not going to get into that. I'm just so grateful for him sometimes. He really tries to help with ED and he is the closest to understanding it as well.
I am so excited for the summer and this year to end!! Maybe my life is finally turning around.

Picking up the pieces

Time to figure out my life and move on. There is no time to just sit around and complain about stuff, that doesn't help anything. I just wish I didn't have to choose between two amazing guys, I don't want to have to hurt either one. Every time I think I have made up my mind I change it and am stuck again. I know what I really want but at the same time I want something else to. I really like them both but in totally different ways. I just wish they could understand. They both mean soooo much to me. Like one is so much fun to be around and he really does care and I don't know, I can't really explain it. the other is just always been there for me and he has been the closest to understanding me and ED, he can most of the time make me feel better. Both also have down sides as well. I don't want to make things worse for one guy because I just cause him drama and pain. The other is just unpredictable and I never know when he is telling me the whole story.
Over all I like them both for totally different reasons. I just can't make up my mind.

Its a hard knock life

I've just been thinking about thinking a lot and have decided a few things. Why do I complain all the time but never do anything about it? Starting now I am going to do something about it, weather I like it or not. I am going to start working in school and start actually doing my homework. I realized that there is always someone out there that can help and can understand. I am going to enjoy the little time I have left in Nashville and not care about the little things.

Not the best day in London

Today was horrible. I am so ready to come home!! I just want to be alone for a while, I am always with someone while I'm here. I also thought that with all the walking and healthy eating I might lose weight or not at least not gain weight but it didn't turn out like that. I feel soooooo bad right now. I am just fighting to keep the tears away. I should be having the time of my life right now but I definitely did not today. I feel like a fat pig and I am one of the rare fattsos that are here in London. They are all so pretty, thin, and confident. I just wish I could be like them so much. Instead I am this fat, lazy, pig.
All I want right now is to go home and be by myself and cry cry cry. Or at least get to see him finally, I just want someone to talk to that semi understands. Well I guess I got to go now, I don't want say what I am thinking right now.

London!!!!

Well it is amazing here!! Everything is so cool! So far we have seen a whole lot and there is plenty more to see. We've been to the Tower of London, The Globe Theater, Tate Modern, and Hyde Park.I can't even pick a favorite. Tomorrow we get to go see Westminster Abbey, Parliment,Buckingham Palace and Cushing of the guard,and then we will figure out what to do from there. I could go on and on about everything. The buildings aare so old and beautiful here as are some of the boys haha, jkjk. The food is also really good. The bus system is so confusing and hard to figure out but they are fun to ride on. The tube is really cool as well it just has a lot of steps. It is all just incerdible! I haven't been so happy in a long time. It has also eased my mind on ED to where its not all that I think about. But when I do it's horrible, like right now. Everyone here is sooo skinny!!! I hate myself right now. there are two down sides: my feet are killing me and all the gingers here. Everytime I see one I think of him and how much I miss him. I find myself constantly thinking about what he might be doing at that moment. I think about how nice it would be to have him here with me. Maybe he would carry me since John won't or can't. Kidding kidding. RA I miss you sooooooooo much!!

Goodbye Nashville......for now

LONDON!!!!!!
I am sooooo excited, it is finally here! I don't even know what to say. I can't wait to see Westminster Abbey, it is going to be amazing. I have a feeling St.Patricks Day will be fun as well. The whole trip will be fun. Hopefully I will lose a lot of weight too, cross my fingers.
There will also be a lot of down sides. I am going to really miss my brother and friends. Although I like to think that I won't but, I know I will. I wish I could bring them all with me, especially RA. I am going to miss him soooooo much. I'm going to feel like I'm missing something all the time without being able to talk to him. But weather he likes it or not I'm going to use my ipod to talk to him whenever I can, but I will try not to wake him up or keep him up. My mind decided to be very cruel to me last night and gave me a very pleasant dream with him in it. Now all I can do is think about it and how I won't see him for a week. I shoulda gone to his house last night and made myself stay awake. RA I'm going to miss you and will be thinking about you everyday that I am gone. ( I know I'm creepy)
Although I may hate my brother sometimes I am going to miss him a whole lot! I'm going to miss being able to talk to him and just hanging out with him. Instead I'm stuck with Dona, she will start to get annoying after a while.

Long Day

It was a very very long day. I was sick most of the day and had a HUGE headache. I felt like my head was about to explode. All I wanted to do all day was sleep which I finally did in Fourth and it made me feel a little better. After school was just a mess of stuff. I had to drive all the way out to independence high school, then all the way back, then go to target, then consumer depot, then finally home. Then the best part of my day, I got to see him!!! I just wish I hadn't been so tired, all I wanted to do was lean on him and sleep. Let me just say this, HD was crazy to let him go!!

Whats weird is that today I don't feel bad for eating as much as I did. I'm sitting here telling myself that I should be mad but I just can't get myself to do it. I do still feel bad but not nearly as much as I normally do. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm going to London and figure I'll just burn it all off tomorrow. I feel like the harder I try the more weight I gain, wtf??? I swear I am though. My mom saw my wrist tonight and I felt horrible lying to her, but I couldn't let her down again.

Ok -> BAD -> Worse -> Ok -> Great -> Blah

Today started out ok kinda. I still had the regret left from last night after I got to my dads. Then when I got to school things only got worse. I just felt like yelling at everyone and just being alone. By third period I had the biggest headache and my throat was killing me and I just really wanted to go home. So I finally got home and took some meds and read for a while. Then I just had to get up and have a bunch of cookies, stupid stupid me. Then came the sugar rush. Let me tell you, when you're sick and you try to move around a lot it doesn't work at all. I was bouncing off the walls. Then the best part was going to see him :) I wasn't sure if I really felt like going but I'm soooooo glad I did!! I loved spending the afternoon with him, even though I locked my keys in my car like an idiot. When we were sitting on the couch I just wanted to lean on him and go to sleep so bad, but that would have creeped him out. Everything felt ok with him there. It's weird the minute we went our separate ways I started to go down hill again. The sickness came back, the guilt, the disappointment in myself, everything came rushing back. I just came home and layed on my bed and have barely gotten up since. I will once my bro gets home though and I will have to go back out in the cold and wet again. Now it looks like I have a long night ahead of me; I've got to try to write a paper, listen to my stupid dog bark and never shut up, stick Kleenex up my nose, have a humidifier on in my room and probably not sleep very well. Oh well, I'm just glad I got to spend that time with him today.

Dream A Little Dream of Me

"Dream A Little Dream"

Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you".
Birds singing in the sycamore tree, "Dream a little dream of me".
Say "nighty-night" and kiss me. Just hold me tight and tell me you'll missme.
While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.

Bipolar Day

Well it was one hell of a bipolar day today. For many reasons. First I got up late and barely made it to school on time. MB saw my wrist and that started him for the rest of the day. Then I almost started crying in front of a teacher, I just had to explain to her way I was so behind on my work. I felt like I was making up excuses. Then I had to dry up before I got to second. Then he saw my wrist for the second time and freaked out. I don't see what the big deal is, I'm fine and it's over and done with. Then I thought he was mad at me again. Third was ok, I brought my grade up some and I found out some stuff from MB, not like its anything new to me though. Then I got to see him again, I wish I could just be serious with him and not laugh whenever something is wrong. Then he got mad at me again and I tried to sleep in fourth but it didn't work well, to much talking. Then after school I screwed up yet again. I also had to drive all the way out to ashland city again. I just wanted to keep driving down the interstate and never come back. When I got home I had a sandwhich and two pieces of cake, ugh ugh ugh!! ruined the day. The best part was getting to see him :) He was so mad at me and I just wanted to fix it. I don't know what those two are planning but they need to stop. I think they both have their own motives. She wants him back and he wants me back. If that doesn't happen then they will end up with each other. Anyway, he is Awesome!! I still feel like he is still a little confused about what to believe but I don't blame him. And I didn't laugh at you!! And, I'm going to kidnap Chip!! I've got a plan.
Now I'm at my dad's and he is drunk and is being really annoying again. I'm so close to just going off at him right now.....
After I get done with this I'm going to go to my room and stay there and not eat anymore and stay away from him. I guess it will be a night of music and RA. At least this time I have someone to talk to this time.
Over all today turned out good. Thank you RA!!!! Just give me some time....

I just want to say sorry to all the people that I have disappointed in my life. I know I can't say it to everyone but I wish I could. I know I'm screwed up and I'm sorry. I just wish I could explain what goes on in my mind. It makes no sense to me.

Yet Another Breakdown........what is wrong with me??

I am so freaking tired right now. After tonight I feel like I have a huge weight lifted, even though everything isn't fixed yet. I should try doing what I did tonight more often. I feel better than I did a few hours ago. I just left the house and didn't have any idea of where I was going. I wanted to just get on the interstate and go somewhere really fast. but I didn't get far before I had to stop driving. I just sat there balling like a baby and thinking about how the last year I have ruined almost everything good in my life and it completely sucks. I felt more alone tonight than I have in a long time. But seeing him and his doggie made it so much better. I didn't want to leave at all, but I had to. So here I am again trying to do my homework for the millionth time while fighting to stay awake. So all that I am left with at the end of tonight is a wrist that kinda hurts, a sore throat, itchy eyes, and a busy mind.

Why Me??

Why me, why do I get all of this crap? This screwed up life? My dad, divorced parents, no job, ED, guys? I'm tired of dealing with the crap between my parents, I'm tired of worrying about my dad and seeing him do this to himself, I'm tired of feeling useless, I'm tired of fight ED, I'm tired of trying to deal with all my guy friends, I'm tired of being me.

This is all I know:
I love both of my parents, no matter what, but I just get really mad at them sometimes. I have an ED of some type (even though I don't want to admit it). The only guy friend that I know will always be there for me is BD and maybe RA. I love MB and probably always will but I think I might also be starting to  love RA.

What I don't know:
Why my parents can't stop arguing, ever. Why my dad sees my 18th birthday as an opportunity to save money my not having to pay child support anymore. Why I can't get rid of ED. Why ever friend that is a guy I always end up hurting them somehow. Why can't I just run away. Why can't I do what is in the back of my head that I want so badly to do.

RA:
You don't know how much it meant to me that you came to my house. Who knows what I would have done if you hadn't shown up. Thanks :)

I just can't get out of my mind all of the things people said to me today. It just reminds me how I am just worthless and a piece of shit.

I want to do it so bad right now. Why can't I make myself do it?!?!?!?

I'm so sad, I can't even do it. I just sat there and stared at it.

I want to do everything and anything that I can think of.

Upside down and All around

Well it was a very long day for me, it just wouldn't go by fast enough. Today I just realized how fast this whole year has gone by and I just wish I had more time. More time to get myself back to normal, to spend with him, to spend with my brother, to try new things, to enjoy my senior year. It seems like a lot of my time is spent worrying about things. But there are plenty of things I am grateful for. I just can't help but think how much better things would have been if I were happier with myself. I just keep screwing things up at the end of everyday, but I guess that just shows how weak I am.

School today wasn't that bad, just went by slowly. My favorite was Agee's class. but after that it was just blah. I failed yet another test in Econ even when I felt like I did pretty good on it. Then I had to go to government. Where in between classes I got a little tiny bruise on my wrist because someone wouldn't let go of me. I don't know why he did it, he wasn't even acting serious or mad, he was laughing the whole time but he never let go. But whatever, it's no big deal, it will be gone by tomorrow.
Then I went home, acted like a pig, went back out to run some errands for my London trip, and got to see him <3. Even though it was cold I loved being able to see him. I just forget everything when I'm around him and I don't feel like the failure that I am. I just hope he doesn't give up on me. I just want him to understand, that I don't know how long it will take me to fight and end this war inside me, but I am doing everything that I can to win it, it's just extremely hard and painful. Anyway, thank you for being there for me and putting up with all my crap, you deserve better than me.

Ok, I can't hold it in. I feel like a complete piece of shit right now. Shopping does not help at all. I am now officially bigger than I was before all this crap. Which makes me feel even worse. Then I come home and can't stay away from the f***ing food!!! I am such a fatty!! It is ridiculous!! Now I feel like I should stay up all night to get rid of the calories and fat that I just had but I 'm so tired!
On top of all this I'm starting to worry about my dad again. I don't know exactly why but I just am. I am also starting to miss my grandmother a WHOLE LOT. Not just seeing her but the past one before this year and all the health things. I feel like I'm starting to lose the closest person I have right now, and I can't even bear the thought of losing her. But now, when I look at her I can't help but to think about how much longer she has. I look at her and pray to God that she hasn't given up the fight, because it looks like she has. It's getting to where I don't even want to be around her anymore because I'm scared, I don't want to see what has become of her, I don't want the reminder of what I feel like I'm losing.
It also reminds me of how I feel like I AM losing everything. I'm leaving home next year and I will barely get to see my brother who I love sooo much, I'm leaving my dad, I'm leaving my friends and RA, I feel like I'm losing everything that I had built up for 11 years and having to start all over again. I don't know, I guess I'm just being a big baby.

Happy

Today was the first good day I have had in a long time, although it wasn't the best either. 1st, I got to sleep in. Which I needed really badly. 2nd I got to stay out of the house all day. I sold my old phone finally. I had a really good cup of tea even though it smelled horrible. 3rd I got to see him!!! I may have looked like crap but I didn't care, he was there. I can't do anything but smile around him and act stupid. I just wish he hadn't done what he did. I'm afraid he will do it again. I mean I've done some dumb things but not like that. I wish I could just take him away from here and start a new life somewhere else. But I guess we can't run away from our problems, I've tried. But if your reading this, don't give up ok? I know you can make it through this mess. It won't be easy but It can be done. Just know I'm always here for you. I'm not saying I will understand completely what your going through, but I might be the closest to experiencing what you are. Not that I know everything that your going through. Just don't give up, if i had who knows where I would be right now? I'm glad I didn't though, and I know you would eventually be to.

Now for the bad/sad part of my day. ED. Well I had to drive by the children's hospital today and it made me think. It reminds me of so many things happy and sad.
Happy
thin, MB (at the time), summer, volunteering, brother, the feeling that I was doing something right by being there, Jessika and Garrett, no school for two weeks, being lazy, farmville (kept me from extreme boredom), reading (read one in a day)
Sad
mom being worried and sad, Dr. Callahan, brother, no school, getting fatter, feeling like i was in prison, not being able to go outside, not being able to use the bathroom, stuffing myself to the point of sickness, MB not coming to see me (feeling like I don't matter), not being able to go to MB games, being there over Easter, feeling like I disappointed everyone, not being able to see my friends, the hospital room, having only 15 TV channels
Every time I think of or see the hospital I think of these things and more. So when I drove by this afternoon I couldn't help but to think this bad thought. I wish I could go back to those two weeks. Just to be truly happy again, to be thin again. I wish that I could go there again because that would mean that I'm thin again.

Quotes that I like

Life is too short to wake up in teh morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Never regret something that once made you smile.

There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see, that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see. through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit. Remember that.
                                      ~Tupac

Out greates glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
                                   ~ Emerson

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
                                   ~Mark Twain

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic. but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorful, or you're not alive.
                                 ~Mel Brooks

It is our choices that show who we truely are, far more than our ablities.
                             ~J. K. Rowling

I reject your reality and substitute it for my own.
                        ~Mythbusters

A lie which is half  a truth is ever the blackest of lies.
                             ~Aristole

People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wither and die.
                               ~Plato

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
                             ~Fredrich Nietzsche

Drunkenness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness.
                                ~Betrand Russell

Frustration

Why won't he believe me? Why does he continually put himself down? Why did he do what he did? I kinda feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I know exactly how he feels, the want for the anger, the disappointment in yourself, the frustration, the lose to just go away. I've just never taken action on the thoughts that I had, but he did. I guess I no longer have to keep my side of the bargain. Now I'm scared I'll do something again and he will try his little trick again, but it may not turn out as good.
I spent a good part of my day worrying about him. I feel like no matter what I tell him he won't believe me and will continually think he did something wrong when it was no where near as bad as he is making it sound like it is. I'm starting to think he was better off before I was in his life.

* Neverland *

I dream of a place, where there is no evil, no opposites, no arguing, no sadness, no worries, everyone is equal. There, there is just beautiful landscapes not crowded by city buildings. There you can actually see the stars at night, you can hear the crickets and frogs, you can watch the sun rise without buildings and telephone lines in the way. People never get mad at others for no reason at all. People would actually listen to what other people say, they would try to really understand and not just nod and act like they care. People would be happy just to be alive and not think the world is going to end if they screwed up. There would be no deathly illnesses, people would only die because of old age. In neverland everything is perfect.
But no one knows it better than me that this would never happen, there will never be a neverland. Instead we live in this cruel world of hurt, anger, pain, sadness, and anxiety.

Today

WORST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

enough said

Just another Day, mostly

Today was just like the rest of the week has been......horrible. I started out by being lazy the night before and not doing my homework early and then trying to stay up late to do it. Then I barely slept for various reasons; I was trying to do homework, my light in my room was on, and I had a lot on my mind. It didn't help that I had a dream about MB, and it wasn't a bad one, and I kinda liked it. What is wrong with me????? I spent the whole day trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Then I try to blame him and when I try  to explain why I'm mad at him I can't because he didn't really do anything.....today. Then to make the day worse Cody was being a complete jerk. Don't really want to explain it. Then I had to act as taxi for my brother and his friend. Then I had to race home change grab something to eat and run right back out to talk to another guy that annoys the crap out of me. Then my savior came and got rid of him. This was the best part of my day. I stopped thinking about all the crap from today and just enjoyed the time I spent with him. I was sad when it was over but I was getting soooo tired and wanted to try to get some sleep. Then right before I lay down K shows up at my house. After he leaves I have to go play taxi again. Now I'm back at home for the night and I am exhausted. I still have homework to do but I am debating weather or not I want to even attempt to do it.
The whole day today I was just feeling numb to everyone and everything, except the creek. I just don't want to have to talk or think about all that is going on right now. I don't know I'm hoping I feel this way because I am so tired.

I offically hate high school

I hate hate hate high school. I can't wait until I leave this place. I feel like I have to watch my back everywhere I go. You can never plan on anything happening for sure, cause it won't happen. Everyone only has themselves on their mind. It surprises me some of the stupid things that people will do. Then they wonder why they are having so many problems in life. A lot of the people are all talk and never do what they say, they just want people to think of them in a certain way, when that's not who they really are. High school turns them into something they aren't for 8 hours a day.

So today I went to my spot at the creek again and it was bittersweet. I love just sitting there and listening to the water and the birds. It helps me to concentrate and think, I was gonna do homework this time, but I was to distracted. I thought I had royally messed up. But I deserved it, he deserves better than me. The sad part was that I didn't even have any tears left after this week of semi hell. I couldn't even get one to fall, so instead I just curled up under my blanket and sat there, eventually I took a very quick nap. But as always, I had to get up and face reality. I had to go back to the perfect brother, the disappointed mom, the negative images I have of myself, and I had to think about getting my grades up. If I could I would have stayed there all night. I just wanted to float away down the creek.

For a split second I was mad at him, but then I thought about it and he was in the right. I wanted to just yell at him "you promised you would never leave!!" That's exactly what it felt like he was doing. At that point I was kinda numb, I didn't know what to do next. All of this because I'm a stupid, weak, little girl. The one time I see MB, unexpectedly, that we aren't fighting he sees us. I was so excited that I was going to be able to see him then when he walked up to me he barely said anything to me. From then on my day went down hill. At first he wouldn't even talk to me, then when he finally did my heart sank. I didn't even have anything to say because he had a point and there was nothing I could say that would prove him wrong. Even if I did it's not like he would believe me. Now he won't even blame me for today, when it really was my fault. I wish he wouldn't think of himself of as such a screw up.

Who knows what I would have done without him. I don't even want to think about it. He makes me feel like someone cares what happens to me. He is the only one that I feel like I can even tell stuff to.

I just feel like a complete screw up right now.

What's Wrong With Me?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I feel like such a failure when he isn't around. I just lock myself up in my room and put myself down. I feel like such a fatso that eats everything. I almost made it today except I had some yogurt, blueberries, and some banana bread. No one knows the impact that their comments have on me. "Pig" "you need a bigger spoon, why?, so you can eat more" "Dr.pepper bottle" "you're thick". I know they shouldn't bother me and they may be just joking but I just can't take it as a joke, not now at least.She said those things today while for lunch she had way over the amount of calories I aim to have in a day. She doesn't know how lucky she is to be able to eat anything she wants and not gain any weight. But then she turns around and jokingly calls me a pig. When people say stuff like all of that to me it takes everything in me not to cry and break down. I feel so weak!! I wish I could go back to under 500 calories a day. I wish I could go back to 93lbs. I wish I could go back to when there was not ED. If I ever get back to that I will not let anyone change me again! ever! I don't care if others don't like it, it makes me happy.

I wish I could stop causing him pain. But I don't know what else to do......

I wish I wouldn't chicken out when I try to tell him stuff or smile and not show what I am really feeling. I can't seem to show anyone the pain and anger and frustration that is inside me. I'm afraid one day I might do something I would regret. Everyday is a war inside myself between right and wrong, good and bad.

As soon as he left, I was back to the sad girl that I am recently. When he left, I just started to think about what was and start to feel like crap again. While he was here was the most I have laughed in the past two days. I'm glad I got to show him at least some of who I am, not that he doesn't already know a lot. I'm also very happy that after this afternoon he didn't think I was some crazy ED girl with to many problems in her life and is waaaaay to dramatic about things. Or I hope he isn't just saying that it doesn't matter to him. I don't know how HD ever let him go or could treat him that way. I would never be able to do that to him.
But at the same time, I'm afraid to get to close to him because I will be leaving for college this summer.

When I see the pictures from last year, it tears me apart inside, to know that I lost that. I want soooo much to have that back. Every time I see those pictures I wonder what happened and how I let myself lose it. I don't care if I have to go through all that pain again to get back there, I'll even go through worse. Not only was I happy about myself then, my grades were great, my family was doing fairly well, and I had no crap going on at school. It was just an overall good time for me. Well I better go, I'm starting to lose it yet again.......what is wrong with me?