Well it was a very long day for me, it just wouldn't go by fast enough. Today I just realized how fast this whole year has gone by and I just wish I had more time. More time to get myself back to normal, to spend with him, to spend with my brother, to try new things, to enjoy my senior year. It seems like a lot of my time is spent worrying about things. But there are plenty of things I am grateful for. I just can't help but think how much better things would have been if I were happier with myself. I just keep screwing things up at the end of everyday, but I guess that just shows how weak I am.
School today wasn't that bad, just went by slowly. My favorite was Agee's class. but after that it was just blah. I failed yet another test in Econ even when I felt like I did pretty good on it. Then I had to go to government. Where in between classes I got a little tiny bruise on my wrist because someone wouldn't let go of me. I don't know why he did it, he wasn't even acting serious or mad, he was laughing the whole time but he never let go. But whatever, it's no big deal, it will be gone by tomorrow.
Then I went home, acted like a pig, went back out to run some errands for my London trip, and got to see him <3. Even though it was cold I loved being able to see him. I just forget everything when I'm around him and I don't feel like the failure that I am. I just hope he doesn't give up on me. I just want him to understand, that I don't know how long it will take me to fight and end this war inside me, but I am doing everything that I can to win it, it's just extremely hard and painful. Anyway, thank you for being there for me and putting up with all my crap, you deserve better than me.
Ok, I can't hold it in. I feel like a complete piece of shit right now. Shopping does not help at all. I am now officially bigger than I was before all this crap. Which makes me feel even worse. Then I come home and can't stay away from the f***ing food!!! I am such a fatty!! It is ridiculous!! Now I feel like I should stay up all night to get rid of the calories and fat that I just had but I 'm so tired!
On top of all this I'm starting to worry about my dad again. I don't know exactly why but I just am. I am also starting to miss my grandmother a WHOLE LOT. Not just seeing her but the past one before this year and all the health things. I feel like I'm starting to lose the closest person I have right now, and I can't even bear the thought of losing her. But now, when I look at her I can't help but to think about how much longer she has. I look at her and pray to God that she hasn't given up the fight, because it looks like she has. It's getting to where I don't even want to be around her anymore because I'm scared, I don't want to see what has become of her, I don't want the reminder of what I feel like I'm losing.
It also reminds me of how I feel like I AM losing everything. I'm leaving home next year and I will barely get to see my brother who I love sooo much, I'm leaving my dad, I'm leaving my friends and RA, I feel like I'm losing everything that I had built up for 11 years and having to start all over again. I don't know, I guess I'm just being a big baby.
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