I am soooooo ready for Christmas break. I am not doing well right now, I feel myself going down right now. I look at myself and all I see is bags under my eyes, fat everywhere, and laziness. These two weeks are critical for classes and I just can't focus right now. I don't want to do anything. Like I sit down to do it and I just can't. I don't know what is wrong and it is so frustrating. I know I can do it I just can't...I don't know how to say it. I just sit and stare at my work, I don't do anything. All I have done today is go to class, read some, sleep, go look at a monument for my next paper (which I should also be working on), eat, and eat again, and eat again, and shower. 
now I'm in one of my moods which means I just sit and think about how fat and worthless I am. great, just great. I have got way to much work to do. after this, I will once again attempt to do work and probably won't get far. I have done about half of the assignment so far. I just hate grammar and writing so much.
ERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I can't get over how much I have eaten and how much of a fatty I am! I looked at old pics last night and now they just keep replaying in my head. 
I just want to scream right now. I'm so upset and mad. my thoughts of how fat I am keep getting in the way of my work. its all I can think about.
oh well

ooookk

Well, things are ok. a lot of thinking has gone on in the past week and a half. still can't make sense of it all. all i know, is i don't know what i would do without RA.
I wish i could go home and stay home for a while. I can't keep up with this work. waaaay to much reading and writing for me and honestly, idk if I'm learning a whole lot. I miss working with the dogs, i miss my dogs, i miss my brother, i miss my mom, i miss RA, i miss not being confined like I'm in a hospital room but more permeant and a little bigger. I'm trying not to complain to much to RA anymore, its hard, i still slip up though.
on top of this I'm worried about my car, its starting to act weird and my phone is just being a butthole and doesn't want to do what it is supposed to do.
well, I'm getting mad, better go

I hate it when u want to cry but the tears won't come and ur almost at the point of numbness

trying to hold on but...

so this week has been and is going to be rough. I have soooo much reading and papers to do, I wouldn't be in this position if i had done my work on time. I was doing ok yesterday and today but now its all crumbling down. now, its not just the work, its the money problem, its the weight issue, the job issue. i can't bring myself to keep working tonight but i need to keep working as long as I can, I'm just so frustrated i don't know if i will do any good.
i keep thinking about what i used to look like and weigh. i miss it but at the same time i don't. i could wear whatever i wanted and not be self conscious, i felt like i could actually wear the fashion. now all i do is look and wish i could wear it. i wish i could make myself workout more and find the time to do it. because it does make me feel better, most of the time. all i feel like i can wear right now is baggy clothes and sweats and tees, rarely wear a pair of jeans, which i used to love.
so, i am broke and have no job and no time for a job. I'm stuck, i don't know what to do, i really don't. i hate having to rely on my mom for money and not being able to pay her back. i hate letting RA pay for everything, i want to treat him every once and a while, but i can't do that anymore.
its just, ugh. my mind is whirling, i can't concentrate anymore, I'm not good for anything right now, which is the worst timing.
im also struggling with the fact that I'm not good enough, i feel like I'm not capable of living up to people's expectations of me. RA thinks i can do this, he thinks i can do the work and make it here at Rhodes, but i feel like i can't. i feel like i have to make my mom and church family proud, and RA. if it weren't for them, i would be so done with Rhodes, i would have quit and still think about it everyday. but there is also the side of me that wants to be able to do it but is frustrated because I'm not smart enough.
ahhhhh!!!!!! i just want to scream!!!!

ok so, I'm done, I'm just done. i want to go home for good but i can't.
RA i need you right now!!!

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy
dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

see, i can't freaking concentrate, its so frustrating!!!

ugh, i give up, bye

days keep going by

well, its october and it feels like it came out of nowhere. things have been up and down, as usual. I have all c's on my midterm grades. hopefully i can pull them up some, idk, i have almost given up. I have finally lost a little weight, nothing big. I went shopping, alone, today, got some new jeans and a couple shirts. I really wanted a pair of boots but I couldn't find any that I liked or could try on. I just couldn't sit in my dorm any more, I had to get out. I just hope I can bring myself to wear the stuff i bought, or that I don't gain the weight back. I hope I lose more, but I doubt that will happen. RA is doing good. I love him sooo much. I don't know what I would do without him. I may not be right/sure/happy with everything in my life but I am glad I have him and I couldn't ask for any better.
dad is doing ok, wish he at least try to go get another job. he just does stuff around the house all day. well, I'm glad he has got lucy to keep him semi sane.
neither mike or I have heard from mom or gregory, which kinda worries me. I hope everything is going ok down there, plus I need to ask a favor of them. I wish I could be there.
well, time to go have my afternoon boredom and downhill crash.

day started out good but ended/ending badly. Im exhausted, tired of studying, want to just lay down and watch a movie, read for fun, not have to go to class, go home, lose weight cause I'm getting fatter. Im tired at failing everything. I wish i could go on the mexico mission trip but i can't because i have a midterm and classes. we don't even get a full week for fall break or thanksgiving. Im tired mentally more than i am physically. RA has the shingles and I hate to see him in so much pain. I wish i could help him, i just feel useless/worthless, i can't do anything for him. like right now, he is low, really low and i can't do anything about it way out here in memphis. he is saying its cause he is trying to quit the pain pills cold turkey like he is getting addicted to them :( I don't know what to do now. I'm even more worried about him now. this is killing me!! plus i have a midterm tomorrow and another friday.
i feel like RA doesn't tell me anything anymore, like i don't matter as much to him.
i wish there was something that could just take all this away. the anxiety, the exhaustion, the worry, the sadness, the frustration. i want it all gone or to feel more, idk. I'm not making any sense.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost without him, without home. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm useless and fat. I can't get a grade any better than a c- in college. Which doesn't help to make me want to study for midterms this week, doesn't make me want to do any work at all. Bad thoughts, thats all thats running through my mind. I want to not eat, i want to go workout, I'm tired, I have work to do, blah blah blah. whats the point when it won't be good enough. plus i don't get to go on the mission trip this year and it would be perfect to do my next paper on but i have stupid midterms!! I miss going soooooo much!! I need a break from college and i only get two days for fall break. This sucks!!

tired

im tired, continually tired. so much is going on and i can't keep up. i wish i could slow down. i shouldn't have taken that nap today. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY!!!!

What I do during my writing class

wandering around,

not knowing where to go,

what to do.

Lost in a world of motion

I'm just standing still

watching it all go by

lost in my mind of indecision

trying to figure out where I went wrong

where things got lost

trying to hold on to my last pieces of hope

to my remaining happiness

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

sitting still

watching tv

this, is my mind

his arm around me,

hearing the steady beat of his heart,

knowing that I am safe,

peaceful at the moment of time

loving him.

the silence is it,

the tv in the background,

this is my mind

my momentary happiness.

then my return to the darkness once he is gone,

it is eminent,

no way to escape it.

my only hope is him

What now?

I give up. I don't know what the point is anymore. I don't belong anywhere. Especially at Rhodes. I can't make myself do my work, I can't make myself exercise, I can't even try to make myself be happy. I sleep but when I wake up in the morning I feel like I haven't slept in days, even when I go home and sleep in my own bed. I'm endlessly tired. I can't keep caught up on my reading and papers and videos and studying. I can't do anything right with my eating and weight, just keep getting fatter. I just feel miserable right now. I just want to go home and never come back here again. Honestly, I haven't learned anything so far or anything very useful to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yeah mom said I could just call but I don't feel like she could help very much. Yeah RA is there but I like to talk to him face to face or by this but he won't read it anymore. And I don't want to ruin the two days we get together by blabbing about my problems and its not like he will believe half of what I say. Can't talk to dad because he is either drunk or tries to relate it to something from his past or tries to get all religious (which I'm not even sure if he even believes in God). Gregory is just to young and I don't want to let all this out on him, it would be to much for him. Jessika, well, she would make it about her.
another thing that has been on my mind is RA and his other girl-friends. How often does he talk to her? does he think about her a lot? does he still have feelings for her? but at the same time I know he wouldn't hurt me. its just me getting jealous. and what about Cassidy? what other girls does he talk to? what other girls flirt with him? I don't want to lose him or be hurt again. I'm just being jealous, I need to get over it.
What about grandma? I'm so worried about her. at the same time I can't even stand to be in the same room as her, to see her falling apart like that. She doesn't deserve all of this.
As for mom, I don't know. I'm worried about her as well. Her blood pressure has been bad and she is always worried about me and dad is always stressing her out even more.
I'm just feed up, I really am. I'm tired up trying to be happy and trying to do this college work that I just can't keep up with. I'm tried up trying to make myself feel happy when deep down I'm not. The only time when I get back to happiness is Friday nights with him. Because then I know I can see him Saturday but then saturday night I'm thinking its my last night with him for a week and Sunday is just shadowed with the fact that I have to leave again. But I'd rather come home every weekend then stay here because then I would just be totally hopeless. I like to go back to familiar surroundings, back to where I know I don't have to act happy all the time, back to the less stressful life. I don't know, I'm just lazy, I'm a lazy worthless girl.
Well I got to go be a tazi for three other girls and I'm almost out of gas. story of my life.

Wish I could curl up in bed and cry for hours but I can't cause roommate is here.

Well here I go again, end of the day downing. I ate, thats why I do this. I was doing fine, I worked out for 50 mins and burned 550 calories but then I come back and I eat more, so I just canceled all that work. Why do I do this to myself?! I don't even want to know how many calories I just ate. I had 2 boca burgers again with a steamer veggie thingy. it was good but to much!
I miss RA a lot, its driving me crazy, I know, Im obsessed and its probably freaking him out a little. I hope he is ok though because lately it seems like something is wrong or he is upset or something, idk. He says he is fine but he doesn't seem happy. Idk, its probably me annoying the heck out of him. I'm trying to stop bothering him with my issues but its hard. Plus he keeps thinking that I'm going to leave him or cheat on him, well, I would kill myself before I would do that. I wish he would just have faith in me and trust me. I wish he knew how much Ive thought about him leaving me or cheating on me. Its always there but i push it away saying he loves me and he wouldn't do that, just like Im not gonna do to him. Idk, its frustrating sometimes.
I miss home, as in nashville, where I can just go walk or go drive. I miss having him there to talk to or just to hold me when I need it. I miss being there for him. I miss the dogs at the clinic. I miss the creek. I miss the lazy days. I miss the pizza nights with RA. I haven't had pizza in two weeks, its sad, I can't even eat it without him anymore.
As for college, I constantly feel like im on a temporary trip away from home. I never feel comfortable here, it sucks and its starting to happen when i go home to.
Ok well i need a shower and then to get back to work. see ya

I'm holding on

Well, right as I get caught up on my work I get slammed again. I just got done reading 26 bible verses, which was horrible. I still have 51 pages in my english book due friday along with a paragraph response, 94 pages in my lit book due friday as well, a whole book to read and write a paper on due Monday.
As for today, not the best but not the worst. I had three classes, wrote a 1-1/2 page paper and did my reading for tomorrow's class. I cleaned Bobo's tank (which is now spotless), I think that made him very happy. And of course I ate like a pig, it all adding up to 1,200 calories :'( I had a yogurt at 8:30, then at 11:15 I had two huge bowls of cereal, then I just ate two boca burgers (w/o the buns), a bunch of peanut butter and some carrots. Way to much!!!! The sad thing is I really want to go get some dessert out of the vending machine. Its so tempting but I know I cant and would hate myself later for it. So that is a no go for me tonight. I'll just suffer, its gonna happen either way.
I just want  to go home!! I look at my wall and tears come to my eyes, I miss him so much (and its only been barely two days since I left him). I go outside and I want to cry because Im not home, I love this weather, its my favorite  but I can't enjoy it with him or Lucy. I can't just go walking around down here unless I want to get raped or killed. Maybe that wouldn't be to bad.
I wander will I will ever feel at home again. I get it temporarily when I with him for those precious hours but then its gone. I feel so seperated from things way out here, alone, well not completely i still have him to talk to. I just can't seem to get over the fact that I'm not gonna see him every day and its killing me. I need to get over myself, everything doesn't revolve around me, the world moves on wether im there or not. I simply want/wish to be there but can't. I can't be there when he gets hurt, I can't be there when he is down, I can't be there when he is confused, excited, happy, tired. I have to watch from the sidelines. He was/is my life, now its boring and the days of the week just go by without a pause. Full of reading, sleeping, not sleeping, sitting in class, eating, feeling down, not smiling, waiting for friday night to come. Then the weekend does come and its gone again, I spend half of it waiting to see him, knowing he is within sight or mins away but i can't see him or be next to him, its killer.
And I know he is having a good time while Im gone. He may try to hide it but i see through it. plus its his senior year. its only a matter of time before he finds someone better then me. He has some of my favorite teachers which also brings back memories, good and bad. like i told him, carrots, tea, and 93 lbs. but along with that goes soooo much more. theres puppy lucy, fall and winter, fruit, running, thin thin thin thin, calorie counting, bugs,heart rate, cold all the time, hospital, football, baseball,rumors, trotter, snakes and taylor, 100 Oaks, shopping, food network channel, broccoli, anger, happiness, hurt hurt hurt. All of this and probably more consisited of my Junior Year of high school. I look back on it with regret and sadness, with wonder and amazement, with happiness and the feel of great accomplishment. I am proud of the things I overcame, ashamed of the things I did, glad of the friendships ended and the new ones, regrettful that I let people tell me what to do which lead to my unhappiness that could've been avoided. I start to think sometimes what would've happened if I had found the right people to talk to if things would've gone easier. sometimes i wonder if matt had acted differently, like actually came to see me at vandy, actually told me that I wasn't being healthy instead of encouraging it. what if jessika had shown more worry and not all smiles, what if she had said something sooner as well. so many what-ifs run through my head.
so, in sum, kinda, yes Im extremely happy with where Im at but at the same time i wish i was still that 93 lbs, If i could just have the weight with the people I have now, that would be perfect.
ok well, i gots a lot of reading to do so i better get on that. RA, I love you soooooo much and thank you for being there for me and putting up with my crap, I wouldn't be here without you. I hope i never lose you. as for the rest of the night, I can't tell you how it will go.
bye for now

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”      roy croft

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”     

Robert Heinlein

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

 

“Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”
—Baby (Jennifer Grey) to Johnny (Patrick Swayze).


Well, Im confused on how I feel right now. I freaking bipolar! Bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts. ugh but im not gonna do anything. but why, oh why am I thinking even worse thoughts then normal. not good not good not good. UGH!!!!
Then the weather is extremely nice down here but he isn't here so that cancels that out.
I miss him soooooo much, it sucks.
then im f*&$ing fat and a pig. ugh, im getting a headache with all this thinking.
I want to be with him so bad.
well, Im gonna go.

 

 

well, Im tired and don't really know what I feel like right now or how to explain it at least. I know that I hate myself, I'm fat, worthless, and ugly. I feel like I need some sort of punishment for being such a pig and being so lazy. I'm just so tired all the time and its so hot. I know all I do is whine whine whine. I feel so bipolar sometimes (and no its not that time of month). I start out fine and as the day progresses I get worse (probably cause I cant stop eating!!) and its not that I eat a lot its just I sit here all day freaking reading and my fat ass doesn't get exercise. I know why don't i go walk or exercise or something, well i say to myself, you have to much to do, its to hot, your exhausted, blah blah blah. see how screwed up I am. It might help if i could remember to take my meds everyday, like that would help, ha!
I just feel like walking out in front of a bus right now. Ah, crap and i just remembered something i was supposed to do for by midnight tonight, crap crap crap, f&%# my life!!!!!
I tried to take pics this afternoon but I couldn't even do that properly, see for yourself.
Rhodes

Ugh!!!!!!!

I want to go home, I miss him soooooooo much!!

Today started out good, then went down from there. I'm tired, more of mentally then physically. I never thought I would hate reading but that is coming true right about now. This is really getting to me, but I'm not surprised, I knew I wouldn't do good. It was just a matter of when I would start going down.  Which reminds me that I need to take my medicine, ugh. Hopefully it won't make me sick again. Or maybe that would be a good thing and I would actually throw up all this food.
I don't think that I'm going to try to do anymore reading for today, I have everything done for my morning classes. Thats all that matters now. I can do the rest on my 3 hour break. Then after that class I have to write another paper and I am going to do it before 8:00pm.
My workout today was killer, I am so out of shape but its so hard to find the time and energy to do it everyday.
So I just took a shower and I feel even worse. My stomach is being fickle and I just plain feel ugh. I just can't seem to be happy and I kinda feel a headache coming on :(
I wish she would just leave me alone for a few mins, I really just need some quite right now, I feel like I can't think with all the chatting she is doing. There is only so much I can take. But at the same time I like her and I would prefer to have her over most anyone else.
Ok, I really miss him. Esp. right now, I want his arms around me and for him just to be next to me, maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad right now. Ok, gotta go bout to start crying, not good, she is still in here.

ugh

Today went by fast, which is good and bad. Good because it wasn't to boring, bad because I still haven't written my Life paper and it is due at 8am tomorrow and I am still trying to get through the reading. This books is one of the hardest I've read so far. I have to go so much slower to try to comprehend what is being said. And it is really frustrating me to no end.
I feel the bags under my eyes forming again and I haven't done anything to need them. The bad part is that I have to stay up later tonight to do the paper which I have a feeling is going to be really hard. I don't like talking about religion at all, I prefer keeping it to myself.
As for everything else, well, it's there lol. I am keeping up decently with all my other classes except for one but I'm not lost. Its kinda like a review for me since I took AP US history. I really don't think that I am going to do so well my first semester. I am no where near as smart as I need to be.
As for my mental well being, not so great either. I've just been trying to keep my mind busy, so I don't think about my weight, my stupidity, my laziness, missing home, worrying about him. It's a struggle sometimes. I hate to see one thing after another happen to him, I wish it were me instead of him. I wish I could stick to my plans, thats what really bothers me. If I could actually do my homework, if I could actually workout, if I could actually stop eating, I would be a fairly happy person. To be completely happy I would have to be with RA.
I'm so tired of everything, of trying. Why am I here (as in college)?
Also, I find myself thinking of my future. A)What will I be doing? B)Where will I live? C)Will I get married? D)Will I have children? E)Will I be with him still? Most of the time when I think about the answers if I had a say in them would make me happier then ever. My preffered answer for C would be yes and for E yes. (I know I'm freaking you out RA) As for A, B, and D, whatever makes him happy, cause as long as he is I will be. Again, this would be my dream world, which isn't going to happen.
Well, I gotta go and get this paper done, I could keep writing but I have got to stop.

What is wrong with me??

well, hmmm
Don't know how to put my thoughts into words. Maybe cause I'm not sure myself. So many thoughts going through my head.
Well I know I hate having to be away from him. I can't be happy when he isn't near. He makes everything go away. Friday night was one of the worst nights ever. I was home but not with him, then I feel extremely guilty because I didn't go to the game which they won and he also hurt himself in and lost his voice, I was exhausted, I was/am fat, I felt alone, I felt useless, and the question of 'why am I here?' kept going through my head. I meant it in the sense of why was I home, no one wanted me there---why am I going to Rhodes, there's no point, I'm not smart enough or know what I'm doing, I don't fit in---why am I on this earth, I don't do anything worth while, I'm just there wasting space and air and food. All night was what's the point of me existing and I began to think dangerous thoughts. I wasn't wanted anywhere, or at least bad enough.
and recently I haven't been making good plans about my eating. which isn't a bad thing to me. maybe I will lose some of this fat I have everywhere. Hopefully I can make myself workout more too.
Well, I'm scared to. that I'm going to lose him. He is going to find someone so much better then me. someone that actually deserves him. He is so amazing and perfect to me, I know it sounds cheesy.
I wish I would be the one to get hurt, not him, cause he doesn't deserve it and I hate to see it happen to him and I feel so useless b/c I can't do anything about it.
I feel so left out as well, like I don't belong anywhere now. I feel like if I just left no one would know. Like, idk, no one needs me. I go back and I just feel in the way, so maybe I won't go back as often. Esp. to work, I'm really not wanted there.
As for college, not the best thing in the world. don't know what else to say about it.
well time for me to go get depressed again, right as I was feeling better after going home. Let the week in hell begin.

I F$%^ING HATE MY LIFE!!!!

Well

I don't really know what I have to say, just kinda got on here. I should be working on college stuff, I still have a good bit of reading to do. I have also accomplished a lot today as well. I read about 70 pages of So Red The Rose, I have read my stuff for writing class and done my response on Moodle for Oral History. All I have left are about 15 pages in Living Folklore and a chapter in my history txtbook. It doesn't sound like a lot but it really is. What sucks is that I'm gonna get all this done then have more slammed on me tomorrow again. At the same time I have learned a lot already and I have enjoyed some of the reading but it leaves no time for other stuff. What's weird is that I am really tired but I have done nothing all day but sit on my fat ass and read. I swear I have got to find a way to workout everyday and stop being lazy.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now, there is so much going through my head, and I'm not sure if it is even stress that I am feeling. Like I said, I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling.
I'm tired, I miss his voice, depressed kinda, I miss all the dogs back home, sad, I'm scared, I miss him like crazy, I'm mad at myself, I miss 93 pounds, I miss having control, I feel numb almost, I wanta cry, I feel worthless, I feel lazy, I feel upset for some reason,I miss smiling all the time, and most of............all I miss being in his arms being with him every second that I could.
Whats even worse is that I am thinking about finding another therapist here at Rhodes or somewhere around here. I know, its horrible but I feel that bad now. RA, its not like you don't help at all, you do A LOT!!!! Honestly if it weren't for you I would probably be in big trouble right now. Its just, I don't know. I guess I'll give it a few days and if I still feel like this I will do something about it.
I feel like tomorrow is going to be a mess and I just hope I can handle it. Its just, the "bad thoughts" are coming back. I'm doing everything in my power to keep them away though.
As for Kate, my roommate, sometimes I love her and sometimes I hate her. She talks a lot and she is very organized. She stays up late, which is ok with me most of the time except for when she freaking talks to me till 12am and takes a long shower. She is good to go shopping with and workout with and stuff like that, its just when she talks forever.
Ah Bobo, what to say about him lol. I Love Him!! He is my buddy, he comes and looks at me whenever I'm at my desk.  I am slowing learning all his little habits, if thats even possible for a fish.
Well I feel a good bit better now. Guess thats good lol.
RA I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok my previous blog was exaggerated a little, I was just mad at myself

hmmmm

Well, let's just say that it has been interesting so far. I have had my ups and downs but mostly downs. It's been hard, esp. without him here. You don't realize how much having someone a few minutes away and having them 3 hours away can make a difference. And a big one at that. I usually run to him when I need to but out here, I can't and that is a bit of a problem for me. I will just have to learn how to work with what I have. Like right now, so many things running through my head. I want to eat something, I want to do something(cough cough), I want to excercise, I want to cry, I want to run home, I want to scream, and did I mention I still want to eat more even though I'm full from a few minutes ago? Yes, I am aware of my craziness. I feel like I'm losing it again after all this hard work and I'm so scared of that. The harder I try the worse it gets, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just give up and go die in a hole lol jkjk. but I kinda do feel like that sometimes.
Why is it so hard for me to do this on my own? I must be completely worthless (which I already knew).
Sissors sound like a good idea right now. bye for now

Well where to begin? and what to say?
first off, im not the happiest about college so far. to much happiness and talking for me. i need my alone time please. so im skipping most off the planned stuff for welcome week. its prob part of what has kept me sane these past few days. it has been way harder then i thought it would be to be so far from him.
so now he thinks that I dont want him anymore or something, idk. but its killing me to  see this happening. I dont want to lose him for anything. i just wish he could see that but I cant seem to get him to believe that.
i just, idk, its hard right now. im lost really, i cant seem to do anything right or say anything right, nothing helps. Im not gonna cheat or leave him, just wish he could get that.
RA you're my world and please don't let go.

Ok I hate football right now. It means less time with him :(

I don't know what else to do

I do everything in my power to show him that I don't have feelings for Matt anymore. And I thought that my messages on FB would prove that, guess not, they did the opposite. I wasn't on FB last night, I got on for a sec cause jessika commented on my status and I was looking at that, then I got off and got on craigslist for like 5 mins and then feel asleep.
Guess I screwed up again and it feels like there isn't any fixing it now. Cause now I know he doesn't believe and trust me and never will, no matter what I do. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this last summer. But as always I have to go and screw it up. I love him with all my heart and soul, I can't even express how much I love him, but it will never be good enough.
I love you RA, sooooo much. If you don't want me anymore ok, I sorta understand. I don't want anyone but you.

It's gonna be a long night

Well not the best day ever. Work was actually decent, thanks to Shelia coming back and the new puppies. The dentist was ok. I was already worried about RA but now I'm even more worried. I don't think football is a good idea for him, he is always getting hurt, is always sore, and extremely tired all the time. Then I had to go and make things even worse. I have now realized the horrible person that I am. I lie and am lazy and worthless and fat. I have let everything go, my school work, my room, and my ability to be a decent person. I can't even get myself to work out any more all I do is sit on my fat ass. The 130 lbs of me. I have gained 35 pounds since this time last summer. :( My room is always a mess cause I don't want to put stuff up where it belongs. I lie and am selfish. If I hadn't lied and been selfish I wouldn't be where I am right now with the person I love. I feel like I'm already losing him, the thought brings tears to my eyes. I now realize I brought it on myself, I learned my lesson, many times over. I'm being a brat about my car, Mike made me realize that, I'm spoiled. I don't even stop to think about others most of the time, except for RA I always put him first.
And whats worse is I actually thought about purposely getting in a wreck and hurting myself. Then I would be out of every one's way and I could punish myself for everything I have done. My world is falling apart just as it was getting perfect. This summer has been the best time of my life, honestly, no joke. He had helped me feel ok about myself and I kinda got back to the old me. I am truly happy when I'm with him. But I screwed it up.

I am fat, it is a fact now. I have lost all control, wish I could never eat again, but my fat ass can't do that. It won't even workout anymore. I'm so tired, but its gonna be hard for me to go to sleep tonight and work is going to be miserable tomorrow. Oh well

Why?

Why do I somehow screw everything up? After a long hard day I was finally doing better after I finally got to see him. He makes everything go away. I don't feel so worthless when I'm with him. But no, my asshole of an ex-bf has to go and be a jerk. He can't stand the fact that someone is better then him. Honestly you would you would really have to try to be worse then him.
And I brought this on myself. If I weren't such a horrible person this wouldn't have happened.
I wish he knew how much I love him (fyi, RA, talking about you now). And honestly, if you asked me to or I had to get married today, I'd marry you. (prob just scared you away even more) I never want to leave you, ever. I love everything about you and your family is awesome (most of the time).
RA the only way your gonna get rid of me is by telling me you dont care about me anymore.
Love you!!

Will I ever stay happy?

I'm done again, like way down. I'm fat and worthless. And right as I get happy with where I'm at I have to lose it. I only have a few weeks left here. all of this will disappear, RA, wht little confidence I had, and my happiness.  I will gain tons of weight and he will leave me. Oh well, thats my life for ya.

"So this, is love"

TI thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong, this is love, he is everything I ever wanted and more. I've never cared so much about someone as I do for him. It kills me to see him like this, I wish I was the one who was sick, he doesn't deserve this. I can't function when he is so sick. Bad sleep, can't do anything right, I miss him even though he is right next to me. He is all I can think about. I wish I could do more to trip him and make him better. Wish he would listen to me and let me help him.

I'm feeling kinda down as well. Probably just a mix of him being sick and me hating work and being broke and being fat. I'm worthless and pathetic. I have no effect on anyone or anything. Whats the point of me even going to Rhodes? Its not like I'm smart enough or am actually gonna do anything with my life. I feel like I'm just a bother to him and to everyone else. I was more useful when I was sick.

I'm spoiled, thats wht I am. Haven't had to work to hard for stuff, mom always got me almost anything I wanted. Well I need to grow up and stop being a baby.

I do know he makes me happy, he makes it all go away. I just gotta be strong for him now, when he needs me (or I think he does). I can do this, I'd do anything for him.

Ok back to college. I'm going to fail out. I can't do it. I'm not smart enough. I'm to lazy and unsocialable. I'm gonna have a horrible roommate and hate it. I won't be able to see him everyday either.

Oh well time to grow up.

LOVE YOU RA!!!!  Forever! Please dont ever leave me (unless you don't love me anymore).

Found it!!

I have been trying to find this quote for a long time. I heard part of it in a movie. It is part of one of Tennyson's poems.

"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow,
The delight of happy laughter,
The delight of low replies."

I don't know why but I like it.

well.....

He is out of town and retard kristauf is here so I am locked in my room. I'm kinda bored and missing him like crazy. I feel like such a baby, I have been fighting tears all day. I don't think I have smiled all day.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today, about a lot of things.
     1) my dad is being difficult. mainly about vacation time and child support money. he won't let my mom have one of his weekends when he does it all the time to her. I just want to scream at him. Stop drinking and creating drama all the time and life would be a lot easier for you!!!!
     2) College. How am I gonna survive? I'm not smart enough to do the work, I'm too shy, and I can't stand the thought of leaving him. I'm afraid its gonna get me started on my binging thing again. I'm afraid that I will hate it. At the same time I am excited. I finally get to be on my own, I don't have to worry about who's house I'm supposed to be at, telling my parents every little detail about what I am doing. The hardest part though is gonna be not being able to see him everyday.
     3) My future, what am I gonna do with my life? what will I become? Will I be a pilot, a vet/ vet tech, accountant? I'm tired of people asking and not having an answer, it makes me feel like I'm a disappointment.
     4) My weight/ED problem/issue. Am I getting better or getting worse? Am I really losing weight or gaining it? If I am doing better, will I keep it up or just crash when I go to college? I have also been thinking about the size I used to be and still wish I could have that back. I hate to try on clothes now, cause its all just a disappointment. Just another reminder of how fat I've gotten. But at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I've got him there to help me feel better about myself. Even though I may not openly agree with him, it helps me. Sometimes I say negative things about myself just to get him to disagree, I like it, it makes me feel better about myself.
     5) My car. I really really want better gas and a smaller car but I don't want to spend the money and I don't have the money. I might but I have a feeling my dad won't give me much help and I'm not gonna get much for my car. I am gonna get a new one, just don't know when.
     6) Are Jessika and I done? Will we ever see each other again? To be honest I don't care if we are done or not. Idk we'll see what happens.
     7) And the biggest one, how much I love RA. I wish I never had to leave his side. I never would have pictured myself with him but I am sooooo glad I am. I haven't been this happy in a while. I really don't know how I will be able to live without seeing him when I go off to college. He is amazing and I am so lucky to have  him. Thank you RA and I love you and I don't plan to stop loving you anytime soon.

well, I'm starting to get sad so I am gonna go.

Days Go By, I can Feel em' Flying Like a Hand Out the Window in the Wind

Well, the summer has had its ups and downs, mostly ups. Now I feel a big down coming, I have been fighting it for a couple days but I don't know how much longer I can make it. The worst part is that it makes me eat even more, which doesn't help any at all and makes me feel worse. This morning was one of the worst eating wise, 2 100 calorie packs, 1 cliff bar, and 2 packs of powdered doughnuts :( I am sooooo scared that I am going to go back to the bingeing. I was feeling so good about myself and I was having an amazing summer. Why must this always ruin it?
The summer is going by sooo fast, its almost July aready!! I have a feeling its gonna start getting crazy again, but I don't mind, I'll eat like a normal person then. I feel like my days are numbered, especially with him. I can't even find words to describe how much I care about him and how much he matters to me. Love You RA!! Hopefully I can make the best of the time that I have left in nashville.

FML!!!!!

Hello again!!!

wow, its been a while since I have been on. A lot has happened. both good and bad, but more good. I have an amazing new boyfriend, who I wouldn't survive without. I think that maybe I have lost some weight and I'm not having as many or as bad of the ups and downs. Its more of the ups and a lot of tiredness ( lots of bad sleep and work). I am soooooo happy right now, or mostly, or happier than I've been in a while. A lot of it is due to RA. As long as I am talking to him or with him, I forget most of the bad and I have a great time. He thinks he loves me more, but I'm not so sure about that. Sometimes all I can think about is beng with him at the end of the day or at least at some point. It gets so bad that I just want to curl up with him and never let go. I wish I could be the beautiful amazing girl that he thinks I am, cause he deserves that.
On to the bad, my dad is getting worse. More so with the drinking, even on vacation with RA there he still did it. He openly drinks in front of us and my grandmother now. Now its to where I get mad and upset with him just because he has been drinking, and its not the way he is acting that does it. Just the fact that he did.
My grandmother is doing better and worse, if that is possible. Her hair has grown back, she is back at her own house, but at the same time I see the pain in her face everyday and she still gets sick some days. It breaks my heart.
I also had to get glasses. Enough said there.
Ummmm, I guess thats the main stuff, so yeah, bye for now.

annoying

I wish sleep would come and save me before I lose it completely. The thoughts and memories from the past are fighting to get center stage in my mind. The later it gets into the night, the more attention those thoughts get. its taking everything in me right now to not get up and go to the top draw of my desk and do the deed. I'm barely able to keep from crying, but I'm making it.                                                                                                                                Well, frankly, I'm tired of the up and downs of my emotions and mind. I will have an amazing guy but somehow it will get ruined by bedtime. Right now all I can think about is memories and what once was. Not so much of what I am now but more of pain over what I have lost. I just have to remember that I have also gained some things as well.  I have gained an amazing guy, the knowledge of who my true friends are, knowing that appearance isn't everything (even though it still bothers me), and the importance of being yourself. I have lost complete happiness (that is, w/o the voice saying you're fat all the time), I've lost some friends, I lost myself, I have lost people's trust, I lost my confidence and drive, and I lost some of my faith. So, see, there are pros and cons, the question is..... which side will win?                                                                                                                                                   This past week has been the best week for me all year almost. I don't remember being so happy in a long time. I thank you RA for sticking with me through all my crap and bipolarness lol. I enjoy every minute with you.  You are the only one who has come anywhere close to understanding me and my issues. See I even forgot all about ED for a the time it took me to type that. You have no idea how much you help me everyday. I love you!!!!!!!                But the minute I log off I will return to battle, my only hope is for sleep to come......

Well let me just start out by saying, Today Was Freaking Awesome!!! Even though it was super hot outside I still had a great time. Today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. (Even though it did have some shadows) Yesterday was a great day as well; which is surprising considering how much I freaking ate! Besides me having to work this morning, today was amazing. I'm so glad he came with me to the festival (again, it was hot!). I didn't feel like a complete odd ball this time. Then the afternoon/evening I spent with him was my absolute favorite of the day. I could just lay with him all day and be content. RA, just want to let you know, the few tears that did fall were not b/c of anything you did, it happens to me all the time. Also, I LOVE YOU!!!! Wish you didn't have exams and I didn't have work, and maybe I coulda stayed longer, but hey, we have all summer :)

and of course ED isn't far behind. What is weird is that I had a few times during the day that I actually thought about doing something, which hasn't happened in a while now. I don't know, I feel like all this happiness is going to be taken away by my bipolar depression again. I just need to accept the fact that I am a screw up and I am worthless. I have freaking gained 30 pounds in less than a year. It kills me to think how hard I had to work to lose all that in the first place. It kills me that I can't get myself to do it again. It kills me to see my favorite pair of jeans folded up in the back of the closet b/c I can't wear them anymore. It kills me that I don't even feel comfortable wearing jeans at all. It kills me that I am not what people think I am. I am not skinny, beautiful, hot, small, nice, etc. I am none of these things, but whenever someone says something like that it just makes me want to work harder to fill what they think I am but at the same time makes me want to give up. I don't know, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.

Mixed Emotions

I am such a mess right now. I'm all around the place with emotions. One minute I'm happy the next I'm calm the next I'm sad. Its so un-nerving.
Like, I'm happy because its summer and no more school, but then I start thinking about me and I get all the feelings that come with my weight issue, then I'm calm because I know its all gonna be ok, then I'm sad because he is mad at me, then I'm tired for no flipping reason, then depressed because its summer and that means shorts and a bathing suit.
Some people I just can't understand, at all. Enough said, moving on.
These flipping cicadas are driving me nuts!!! They need to shut up! I mean, what good do they do, all they do is make noise and fly around and be gross.
I am such a fatty!!!! I had a big bowl of cereal this morning, then later i had a bunch of double stuff oreos, then later I had some chips (natural, whole grain kind), then I had some yogurt which I could barely finish because I drank to much water. Hopefully I won't eat anything else today. It would help if I could stay out of the house, cause I get bored and I eat.
How come, everytime I think of him I smile? or cry, or frown, or giggle, or sigh? I didn't think one person could have such a big affect on someone.
Ok I kinda like work now. Yes it may get hot and I may get frustrated but I like it, the people and the dogs. Days like today make me wish that I worked all day or more. It keeps my mind off things and gives me exercise.
Here is a link to some pics. I love love love flowers and nature pictures!!!! I can just look at these when I'm down and they will help a little. I'll add more pics later.
Beautiful
Ok I'm running out of time so I better go.
RA if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!!! haha I know, I'm creepy, sorry.

sorry

RA I don't know how to express how sorry I am and how much I love you. I know I screwed up big time and that it will take a long time to fix it. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry and I'll never lie again. I know, I know, you don't even believe me when I say that. If you don't believe anything else I say, at least believe this, that I love you more than you know and that I will never lie to you again.

Not what I expected

Well, I managed to walk across the stage without tripping. I am so tired right now. The two days before I was so nervous I could barely eat or sleep. And having to go to work the next day doesn't help either. Because when I am up, I am up for the day. I had fun during and after graduation but the afternoon and night were not the best. I realize now, I was kinda being a little over dramatic about it but, I just didn't want to mess with crap last night. So on my graduation day I was in bed and asleep by 9:30. Over all the I'm proud of you's and congrats, I still feel like crap. Not so much as I used to but still enough to bother me. I wish I could've seen RA, it would've helped me a lot. But life's not meant to be easy and let me tell you that mine as been far from easy. But when I look back on all these years, there are moments I'm glad I have, moments I regret, moments that were the saddest and happiest of my life. I have learned a lot over the last four years alone. I am going to miss a select few from high school but, the majority of them I say good riddance!!

Pictures:
Graduation!

I am ready for a great summer. But I would like the humidity and the cicadas to go away! Just enough annoying stuff to make me want to stay inside and be lazy, which isn't good. Oh well.

*Sigh*

Hmmmm, looooonnnng day. So much going on, its crazy and tomorrow will be worse. It was a pretty good day, would've been better if I hadn't had the snack before I laid down for the night. Now I'm laying here and all I can think about is how fat I am, ugh! Oh well.
Right now all I want is to be curled up with RA and sleeping. It's gonna be a long weekend without him. Sometimes when he questions me though it hurts, and it kinda makes me question myself. I guess I just have to earn his trust back, or earn it for the first time.
Wow, I didn't think it would hurt this much. I really did screw up. Dang
I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now. Like it almost physically hurts, to know that he doesn't believe anything I say.
I guess I asked for it.....

Hard

Well this is extremely hard. Going through a day is like climbing a mountain. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for him. It would also help if I could just cry and let it all out.I feel such a mixture of things right now. I want to just give up but at the same time I want to fight it. Now my mom is starting to worry about me, which isn't good because she would just make it worse. It's like I have a two track mind, one side is ED and the other is RA. Those are the things I'm always thinking about.
I just can't wait till graduation, then that's one less thing I have to worry about. I can leave that stupid he'll hole and never come back. Hopefully the pain will go away completely then.
Well I'm back to the ED topic.......again. Sorry. I just wish things could stay good. They get good then go bad again and it's not just slightly, it's major. No one will ever understand. I'll just keep it to myself from now on.
Someone please help my dad!!!
I'm tired of being alone, I just like to have someone I really care about right next to me. It helps me to know that I am wanted by someone or that I can actually do something right. And for a while I forget everything.

Ehhh day

Today started out ok. I didn't sleep well the night before and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I went to school and took two exams that I passed. Then I went home.....not good. I had a bowl of cereal (that was ok), then yogurt (that was pushing it), then some veggie lasagna (over doing it), then some ice cream (really over doing it), some point I had 2 nutri-grain bars (way way over board), then some cheese and twislers (overboard). So my world came crashing down once again. I lost it. I just wanted to leave but I couldn't. I just wanted to escape my life. Everything around here has to many bittersweet memories. So, I drove, I went all the way to Ashland city. Its the only place that I know how to get around. Here are some pics: 
Ashland City

After I got home I felt a lot better. Not totally good again but better. Would've been better if I had gotten to see RA. but he is still here so I'm not complaining. I didn't even feel like yelling at my mom and brother today. I am in an unusual calm mood right now. Its really weird. I just hope Jessika doesn't ruin it.

RA I am really sorry, for everything. I don't mean to constantly hurt you. I'm trying so hard not to do anything bad. I really do mean what I say. The reason it took me so long to say it is because I'm so careful with that kinda thing. I don't want to end up making the wrong decision. I want to make sure its what is best and its what I want. When I'm feeling horrible all I can think is, "I wish he was here with me".

I found this quote on a while ago and I agreed with it whole heartily:
"i want a guy who calls you beautifull instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. the boy who kisses your forehead who thinks you're pretty without makeup on. the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you."
RA is the closest I have come to that, and I feel pretty lucky to have him as a friend (maybe as more in the future, that is if he wants that).

As for school and graduation, I'm at the point where I'm just going through the motions. The day I walk across that stage will be so bittersweet. I will finally be done with overton and high school but at the same time I'm losing everything. I'm just gonna make the best of it, hopefully I won't have to many break downs. And my dad, well he is doing better but I still worry about him everyday. I just can't wait to go on vacation with him at the end of the month. Back to nature!! and out of nashville!!! I wish that RA didn't have to go to school for so long or I would take him with me :) that is even if he could or wanted to. but he is stuck at school with exams.
Oh well, guess thats all I got to say, bye bye.

well.....

I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't cry, I don't get mad, so what am I suposed to do?? Coming home is like hell now. It all comes rushing back to me. Like, I feel so numb right now. I can't even describe it. So many things running through my head right now. Doubt, fear, excitement, happiness, sadness, sorrow, confusion, all going a hundred miles an hour through my mind.
I now realize what separates the men from the boys. I realize what really matters, most of the time. I know how important the truth is, and what lieing can do. I now know the full power of words and actions. I now know who are my real friends and who are just jerks. Now the problem is everyone else not knowing all this.
I'm now wondering if my dad was right. All every buy thinks or wants from a girl is to get into her pants. Most don't care about her, they just like her body. RA if you are this way, please leave now. Cause I've had enough guys who are like that. That's why I don't like to kiss and stuff like that, because that's how I tell if a guy really cares. If all he tries to do is get physical (Lio) I know they don't like me for me. Yeah, don't get me wrong, I like all the compliments from everyone, but that makes me feel like that's all they see sometimes. I just really hope your not one of those guys......
I love spending time with you and I wish I never had to leave you.  You make me forget everything.

Ugh!!!! I wish I could cry!! I need to so bad right now!!!
I also wish I could sleep.
I wish I was 93 lbs again,
I wish I wasn't so tired most of the time,
I wish I could just run away,
I wish that I could go back in time,
I wish that I could be a good person, I feel like I'm a horrible, dirty, crazy girl.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

What happened? What brought this on?

Well I feel like I'm falling, and falling quick. I have had a semi-great week. I was actually feeling good, until today. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm trying sooooo hard to. but I don't know how much longer I can make it. I'm having thoughts come back and the depression. I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough, nothing works. Everywhere I go, there are memories, of what was and reminders of how I have given in. I mean, this week was really good, compared to the others. It was my birthday, I didn't go to school for most of it, I got my yearbook, had my last full day of high school, spent an amazing night with this guy. But today was all downhill. This is exactly why I don't like to go out anywhere. I see all the skinny girls, all the clothes I wish I could wear, all the food I wish I could eat, all the fun I wish I could have. But right now, It all feels kinda hopeless, how long will it take?
I just want to escape for a while. I want to go out and leave this reality and this pain. I could really use it. I think my mom would kill me if I did that. I would go right now if I didn't have to work or take exams. I would just go, with no plans, sleep in my car if I had to.
FML!!! My mom and brother are going to the Y and I can't even bring myself to go. I know I need to but I just can't do it right now. It's not gonna happen. Once again, they are so much better than me.
Oh man, I wish I could put into words what I am thinking right now. How can you go from one day being great to the next being complete crap? I don't get it, it's horrible. Like I can't even cry right now, I'm not even angry, I just kinda am. but my brain feels like its going to explode.
I have no one right now, or that's what it feels like.
I have felt worse than this before but I have never had to thoughts that I am having now. I hope I'm not turning into my dad....
RA where are you when I need you!!

Is it possible for your heart to really,physically break??? Cause that's kinda how mine feels like right now. I feel like I have divided it up and given it to certain people and they just don't care or don't even realize it. MB took a hunk of it and just threw it on the ground and stomped on it, RA has part of it but doesn't realize it. He thinks he means so little to me. If he didn't mean anything, if I didn't care, would I have told him everything about me, would I have come to him crying my eyes out? It's like the chunk of my heart that he has he takes for granted.
I wish I knew who to believe. I wish I could trust my closest friends. I wish I could just run away.
I just wish I could better explain how I feel and what I'm thinking right now.
I have never felt so hurt in my life and it sucks!!
I feel hurt and betrayed by most of my friends (MB, RA, HD, JK).
Is it bad that I'm to tired and uncaring right now that I can't even cry? Cause that's all I want to do right now but all I can do is stare into my darkened room, hoping sleep will eventually come.

(2 of 2) then I could just go....

(1 of 2) So, I feel completly alone in the world right now. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have lost my two best friends. I wish I ahd money, cause

 I fell like crap but at the same time I feel great? It makes no sense to me. I feel great because I didn't have to go to school today, I got to hang  out with some friends (even though it wasn't the best time), I had fun scrapbooking, and I'm not constantly thinking about my weight. It was bad because he still managed to rip my heart out, I feel bigger than ever, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I miss Humbolt like crazy. Today  would have been perfect if I weren't so freaking fat and lazy, if I hadn't eaten, and if I could stop caring. Because all it does is cause me pain and misery. I'm thinking that I just need to take off on my own for a week, I'll be 18 soon. I'm tired of the drama, the pain, the tears, and the worry. Over everything. All I ever want to do anymore is lay on the swing by myself and listen to nature. Maybe my mom and brother are right, I am a hermit. Or maybe I'm tired of the real world...... 

Frustration

Here are some pics from this weekend. I have a bunch more but they are of flowers. I had one of my best weekends I've had lately. Which is weird because it was spent with my dad.
This weekend

Ok here is the deal. I don't even want to deal with all my crap. Like I'm thinking about it all but its in the back of my mind. Like right now I'm telling myself fat ass get up of your butt and exercise. You know what I'm doing?, sitting here writing this. I don't even care enough right now to do something about it. I'll just regret it later, whats new.
I should clean my room, study for AP Gov't, give the dogs a bath, etc. But nope, I'm just being lazy.

At this point, I am tired of trying to fix things when they go wrong. If things can't stay good, then it's just not meant to be. shit happens but not all of it can be fixed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want things to go wrong or to give up but there is only so much you can do.

Like, I don't even want to cry, but I prob will tonight, it always comes back. I'll prob be up all night since I slept most of the day. I woke up before my alarm for work went off which was set for 6:15 am. When I got back at like 8 I tried to sleep right away but I couldn't. So I got up and helped my dad with yard work and played with lucy and laid on the swing and got some sun. Then we went to McKay's and a few other places and when we got back I got back on the swing, then I helped dad some more then I finally slept. I actually fell asleep on the floor! lol I got up at about 5 and ate and then came back to my moms early, before they got back from Memphis.
Overall I really enjoyed my weekend even though I ate way to much and didn't run or anything. Saturday night was bittersweet though. It started out good then took a turn for the worse. I'm not gonna get into the details, lets just say that I wasn't a very happy person. It ended fairly well. I sat outside on the swing till late because I actually feel alseep on it. But it was amazing and I loved it.
I just don't want the week to start, because I'll prob go back down into my sad depressed self. On the bright side, I only have two weeks of school left. 

While I was playing on my Ipod I found some interesting stuff.
       "If a man or woman has done his best, what else is there?" 
      " I may not lead the most dramatice life, but in my brain it's war and peace everyday."
       "Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool."
       "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
     "I wish I could just float away and I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving the ones I loved and I could start a new"
      "Don't worry about anything instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done."
     "sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
     "you put me through so much yet still love you"
     " there's always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok."
     "what do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?"
      " cus I need, I need a hand to hold, to hold me from the edge, the edge I'm sliding over slowly....."
     "who do you turn to? when the only person in the world who can stop you crying is the one thats making you cry?"
     "its a great day... don't let some idiot ruin it for you"  :)
    "sometimes the ones that smile all the time are the ones who truly need help"
    "drunkenness is temporary suicide; the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessationg of unhappiness"

Great now they are home, and I have to deal with them. They are just to happy for me, its kind of annoying. Like I know ya'll are better than me, so you don't have to put it in my face. You're tanner than me, thinner than me, smarter than me, funner than me, must I go on?

Ugh Ugh Ugh, I feel so freaking fat right now!!! Here comes the anger hopefully I won't do anything stupid this time. I wish I had gas in my car :(

Honestly I am very tempted to go live with my dad right now, thats how much I hate this place right now.

Gah!!!!!!!! I want to scream!!!!! Ugh, things are coming back, time to risk running out of gas and go to the creek before they get back. all alone once again........

More Pictures!!!!

these are just some random pictures that I picked out. Im going through all my pictures on my computer and found some good ones.

Ahhhhh, better times

Old Times

Pictures

here is a link to some old pictures of me

These were the good days

I'm so tired, of everything. Right at this moment I just have the attitude of I don't care about anything and I give up. I fighting the urge.......

RA thanks for putting up with all my crap.

More pictures coming later tonight or this weekend.

ehhh

So today wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I'm glad we aren't doing anything in school because I wouldn't do any work anyway. So I haven't been thinking a whole lot sense this morning because it hurts to much. I just can't wait till school is out. I actually had fun at work and after I got home. I went to the creek and took some pictures, they didn't turn out great but I had fun and that's all that matters. I'll try to get them up somehow cause of course it won't be easy and work the correct way.

I feel like sometimes he is jerking me around. Like if I'm the only girl around then yeah I'm his but if there is someone else he rips my heart out. But idc, as long as he is still there to talk to. I know, I'm crazy.

RA, you mean more to me then anyone does right now. Don't ever forget that. Your perfect the way you are.

Oh boy, I'm on my "fake high" right now and I can feel the crash coming. WHY!!!!!! ERRRR!!!!!
My eyes hurt too much already and I can hardly breath as it is. Dang it!!! well just shows how screwed up I am.....

It's been a long, boring, stressful, confusing day so far. More later....

Lord give me strength!!

This weekend was going great! I felt like I was finally coming back and that my hard work was paying off. I guess it was just my head fooling me. Cause tonight I feel as fat as ever and its getting really hard to keep my spirits up right now. Now I'm scared to see what I will do once I get home after school tomorrow. Will I be able to stay strong and not pig out? Will I be able to run or exercise?
OMG!!! I just want to just go run nonstop all night!!! I feel like I've completely ruined everything today. I have also banned myself from looking at the pictures on my laptop. They just remind me of how much I've lost.
I just really want someone to talk to right now. umm like MB, but I don't want to bother him anymore. RA just is, idk. I feel like I can't really talk to him till we get everything worked out, if we even do. Even then will he understand?
RA, there's something I want you to try to understand. Yes you might have said something similar to what he told me but you couldn't have had the impact or said the exact same thing. He knew me before all this mess, like last year and way before that even. So when he said that, I knew something had to change. I don't want you thinking you didn't help at all, cause you did, a lot. Who knows what I would've done that night. I wouldn't blame you if yo gave up on me, I don't deserve it. I've treated you like crap. I can't say sorry enough, and its not like you believe anything I say anyways. All I can say is that I'm trying my gdamn hardest to become the person I used to be. who would've never done all this crap, who wouldn't have taken you for granted.
I wish I could move on but I can't....... I love him..........but he doesn't anymore.......

Goodbye new me, hello Old me!!!

Lately I have been feeling so lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore and I couldn't make sense of what was going on in my head. But then after thinking for a couple of days, I figured I would ask an old friend for help. And he did. I told him that I knew I had changed but that I didn't think it was a good change and I asked him what he thought. It said that I had changed. I then proceeded to ask him if it was bad. His response, "I mean, I like the old you better. but I mean a lot of it is you not believing in yourself, you don't have confidence, there isn't any of the drive and determination you used to have. its like you just gave up on everything."
And you know what? after a few tears in the bathroom at work, I realized that he was right. I hope that I can get back to the old me, like he says, "you need to find those qualities you had before all this because that's where you need to be".  Harsh, but so true. I was so much happier then.
I then proceeded to apologize about everything. and said that "I didn't know what happened to me, but I'm tired of this mess." his response, "yes me too haha".  Now if what he said earlier didn't hurt that did!! but I'm cool with it. Because he didn't lie to me, he was just blunt, which is what I wanted, don't get me wrong.

I also took RA's advice about trying to take my "happy pills" again. And it actually helped, so thank you.

So hopefully this is a whole new start for me, no more mess.

RA

I'm sorry. I realize now how stupid I've been. I would like to be friends but, thats if you would want to. As for Kristauf and Jonny, I hate them. MB is my best friend. Thats all, he is over me.
I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again.

one more thing for today.

I give up for today!!!!

I'm just gonna have to settle with getting fat.

end of story.

ok, how do I always get things wrong or mess them up?
I can't eat right, I can't act right, I can't do anything right.
I feel like I'm all alone again. No one to talk to or who understands.
yeah, I may "have lots of issues that I need to work out" (thanks Hannah, didn't know it was so obvious). but my question is, how do I "work" them out?

I was almost to the point of tears at the end of the day. Nothing is going right. I can't figure MB out. One day he talks to me and acts like a good friend and the next he barely talks to me. And hangs out with all the "skinny" popular girls. I don't know, I'm probably just jealous, no I am jealous. On top of that I was feeling horrible because I ate the lunch they brought for us. It wasn't part of my plan. Then when we get back I walk by one of MB best girl buddies ,Katlyn, and she is staring at me. I had to walk away to get here to stop. I can't help but to feel like she doesn't like me for some reason.
At this point I wanted to go home and bawl my eyes out. you know what I did instead?I ate, pizza, and a whole lotta m&m's.  So at this point I feel completely useless. I tell myself that I can't sit down or it will all turn into fat. so I figure I'll go for a walk with Lucy, and see if that helps any. No it did not. If anything, I come out of it feeling worse. I made RA feel like crap, when he isn't. Why can't he see its for the best.

The worst part of everything is that I feel like I am losing my best friend. I mean, I've known him since first grade. Now I feel like he is slowly slipping away.

Who am I?? That is the question I'm trying to figure out.
Why do I do the things I do?
Why does it bother me so much?
Where did I go wrong with him?
What went wrong?
Why am I so powerless?
What did I ever do to them?

I'll get back to you later, I gotta play taxi.

Bits and Pieces

RA

Here are the parts of "Tomorrow" by Chris Young  that I was talking about.

Tomorrow I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna let you go and walk away
Like every day I said I would
And tomorrow, I'm gonna listen
To that voice of reason inside my head
Telling me that we're no good

We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But there's too much bad for us to think
That there's anything worth trying to save

We are always arguing about something. You either assume the worst of me or of yourself. We are always threatening to hurt ourselves if the other does something. Its not right.
Plus, I can't keep dragging you along. You want to be more than friends but I don't and I'm not sure if I will ever want to be more than that.

You haven't done anything. It's just that we don't go good together, we just make things worse for each other, or at least I make them worse for you.
So, don't do anything stupid. I'm gonna keep my promise so please keep yours.
No matter what you think, I do care and would hate to see anything happen to you.

RA

I shoulda stuck to what I said that night. I new I would regret taking it back. Things get better for a couple days then it gets bad again.  And it's not anything you did, trust me. So I mean it this time when I say goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Just don't blame yourself.

Shadows Everywhere

Is it bad that I don't want to come home. I go out and I just don't want to have to come back home. Sometimes I just wish I had my own place and just lived alone. I kinda feel like I don't belong here anymore. My mom and brother are always together doing stuff, and when I am with them I always feel left out. Like at church today, I was sitting in between my mom and brother, I got up to go to the bathroom and came back to find that my brother had taken my spot. Once again I was separated from them. I kinda feel really alone whenever I'm home. I mean I could go out there with them, but it is just weird for me, its hard to explain, I just feel like I can't talk to them.
My dad isn't doing good either. I am so worried about him all the time now. He doesn't know when to stop. My heart pounds every time I see the grimace in his face. Seeing the bruises, scraps, and swelling just makes me want to cry.
The only time that I feel ok or good is when I'm with him. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

RA

I'm sorry. For everything. For the pain I caused, for the trouble I have caused. I'm sorry that I treat you the way I do. I don't know why I do, I honestly have no clue why I do.
Sometimes I take out the anger and frustration I have toward myself, and throw it at you. Even when you didn't do anything wrong.
I feel like I should leave you alone. Cause I just make things worse for you. Plus, I'm not even worth it.
So I guess this is goodbye. Don't think its your fault, cause it definitely is not!!! It's mine and always has been. I enjoyed every minute I spent with you. But it doesn't hide the bad things good enough. I screw up everything I touch.
Be careful and don't do anything stupid. I would never forgive myself.

So Tired

I am so worthless. I have lost myself and I can't do anything but sit around and mope and cry. I want to be skinny so bad but I can't make myself do anything about it. And I can't blame anyone for it. Its all my fault. I did this to myself. I gotta stop taking it out on other people. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I know the possible solutions but I'm so damn weak that I can't make myself do it. Even when someone tells me its ok to do it, I still can't. I'm a monster, who doesn't care about anything but herself.
I lie to myself and to everyone else. I don't know whats wrong with me.
anybody got any ideas??????
Maybe I am as bad as people say I am.......

Can I ever do anything right??

apparently not.........

I Hate Myself!!
I want to sew my mouth shut.

hmph

Well I don't know what to say. I'm trying to stay positive and keep things to myself but its hard. I'm tired of writing about all the bad stuff, its just the only time that I want to write.
So I'm offically not the real me anymore. I now realize that now. The pieces have finally fell into place, I can see what I have become. I blame it all on ED.
I'm now mean, a player, a bitch, a liar, a fatty, fake, lazy, and stupid. I've lost everything. or at least it feels like it.
On top of that, my brother continues to outshine me in everything. I feel like I'm useless now.
No matter how hard I try I can't do anything right. and it sucks, I feel powerless. but whats new.
Oh no, tears, better go......

Sooooooooooooooooo tired!!! of everything!!!
and I wish this constant pain would go away!!

I don't know what to say or do anymore

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML !!!!!!!! ok, I have recently realized how much of a complete screw up I am. I really really am. I treat my friends like crap and I don't care almost anything anymore. It's almost like I have given up on trying to get back what once was. I have been trying not to admit it to myself but I think I have slowly lost who I truly am. I don't know when it started happening but I have a feeling it had to do with ED, in differents ways and reasons. I am no longer the good student like I used to be, I no longer keep to myself, I no longer have control over food/eating, I am no longer as nice as I used to be, I have huge mood swings now, its ridiculous. I purposely avoid spending time with my mom now when she used to be all that i had. I miss the happiness of last year, the good times. Now all I have is trouble and depression. I feel weird saying that but I don't know how else to explain it. It doesn't help that now its getting warmer out and I have nothing that fits, its all from the 93 lb me, which I miss so much!!! Hopefully I can at least get to 100 lbs again soon. I can't keep going on like this anymore, its killing me.
I can hardly stand spending time at my dad's either. He seems like he is constantly drunk now. It makes me so mad. Plus he acts so stupid. He doesn't even try to hide the beer now. I'm debating weather or not I should tell him how I feel. I don't want to hear more crap and see him cry and him try to find something in common with me or try to make excuses. I've heard to many by now. I'm soooooo tired of it! It takes everything in me not to yell at him sometimes.
(RA your gonna hate me for what I'm about to say)
The only thing keeping me sane right now is MB, at least it feels like it. He keeps me motivated and trys to get me to run everyday. He can always make me feel better and he was the only one who thought I never had a ED in the first place. I feel like I can tell him anything and he would never judge me for it. Like at the game one night, I cried my eyes out in front of him and he didn't run away. He talked to me about it and told me I could fix it I just had to work at it everyday.
Also the one year anniversary of the hospital stay is coming up. Which doesn't help any at all. I find myself thinking about it more often now. I sometimes wish I could go back to then. I know its horrible but its true. Its a symbol/sign that I was still skinny or smaller than I am now. A sign that I was still doing something right. I remember sitting in my room at night watching Pirates, texting MB, and not having any worries but when I was getting out. The best part was when I finally got to leave, I will never forget that day! I got to go eat something that wasn't hospital food, than I went home and enjoy the fresh air for the first time in a week and a half, than I went to his game to surprise him. I will never forget his face when he found out I was there. At the same time I remember the day I had to go to the hospital. I had had a really doctors appt. when out of nowhere the doc decided I needed to go to the hospital. I was so mad and didn't understand why. but I had no choice but to go. So before I went home to get my stuff together I went by his game. Sense I couldn't wait till the end of the game I had no choice but to get him out of the dugout. I tried to hold the tears in while I told him where I was going. I didn't want to leave him but he had to play so I left in tears just as I had come in tears. But I still look back on that week as something I will always want to go back to.

just another day

today was just like any other normal day. school school school. But, I didn't have to work and I got to see my dog, who I have missed dearly for the past few months. I was so excited and I can't stop petting her. The sun was out again as well. It felt so good! It also reminded me of how hard I'm going to have to work to get into shape for the summer. At least I didn't eat to much junk today, almost made it with less than 1,000 calories but blew it at the end of the day, I had to have the twislers! My new plan is to go home, change, leave the house, watch rugby practice, go to work, get home and eat light, if I have energy run or something, shower then bed. Hopefully it will keep me from eating to much. It may not, at this point I have tried everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't work. Just trying to stay positive.

so.....idk if I want to talk about some stuff yet. oh well, I'll just keep blabbing cause I feel like writing. I want a new car soooo bad, I hate my granny mobile!! but I think I'm gonna be stuck with it for a while, a long while. Ok, question, why aren't we ever satisfied with what we have? why do we always want more or something different? I'm not saying that I'm not included in this category, because I am. My guess is that we always want to be better than everyone else or we want to be the best we can be. Also we get mad because we mess up every once and a while. but why? Its not like we are or can be perfect and never do anything wrong.

I guess I should give up on him. I don't know what went wrong. Oh well, I'm not surprised.
Good Night

ugh!!

I am going on a roller coaster right now. Up down, up down, up down..... One moment I feel great and the next I'm falling apart. I'm tired of it. Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I'm just so tired of what I plan in my head not actually happening. I'm so close to just giving up. I keep thinking of things I haven't tried before. I think about not eating at all or fasting for a little bit. but deep inside I know it won't work. I know why but I don't want him to know, it's embrassing, its the one thing I haven't told him. At least I don't remember telling him. Only one person outside of my family knows and thats MB. Its just something I fight with every single day. It is what keeps me from losing weight and in a way excersising. Also I have had some thoughts about drinking, and I have come close to actually doing it. I know its wrong and I hate it with a passion but I just want to forget everything and have some fun. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, feeling like I'm worthless and that I can't do anything. All I see in myself right now is a fat, lazy, stupid, annoying girl. ugh! I wish I could write and explain what I am thinking right now! Its so frustrating!
The other night had to be one of the worst nights ever. I felt so freaking bad. It was so pathetice. I was laying in bed, curled up next to my stuffed elephant, balling my eyes out. I couldn't even let it all out or I would have woken my mom and brother up. I was just so overwhelmed with the past year and what I have become. I was frustrated with myself and how I let people tell me what to do. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling like shit every f***ing day!  I went from a size 0 to over a size 5! I refuse to buy any bigger then a 6, absolutely refuse to. I wake up everyday thinking this is a brand new day, you can do it, you can be normal, but it never works out. I always screw it up like the idiot that I am. Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever. I can't even look at my prom pictures without holding back frustration and tears.
On a good note, Lucy is home tomorrow!! I am soooo excited to see her. Plus I don't have to work! I just hope its nice outside again. I also got this huge stuffed elephant, Manny, I love him!! He is adorable, he makes me feel better, and he is always there when I want a hug. I know, I'm crazy. And today was so much fun. The sun was actually out! It probably also had to do with the fact that I actually exercised some as well. Seeing him helped a lot as well. I forgot about stuff for a little bit. and I didn't have to go to work.
But now I'm home again and in my room trying to fight off the sadness and tears and loneliness. I'm sure it will happen at some point anyway though. I still can't find works for what I am thinking. Maybe its because I'm in such a good mood. I don't know.

Not the best day

well yet another long day. Senior slide show was a piece of crap. Then I had a horrible 3rd block. I have way to much crap going on right now. School grades and attendance, my dad in the hospital, work, and prom making me feel like a fatso, and trying to figure out the mess with the trio of friends I have. I feel like I am falling apart in a way. But at the same time I feel like I am gaining so much more. Gah I'm so tired I can't even think.

busy busy busy

Well nonstop day today. 1st I got up late for school. Then we had the senior picnic which was so much fun!! The dodge ball tournament was so fun and then just waiting in line for an hour for food and then playing cards with a bunch of friends. It was one of the best days. Then I had to take a car load of rugby players to practice. I had 4 in the backseat and 2 in the passenger seat. So when I turned in to the park some pipe on the bottom of my car scratched against the pavement. but I don't even know what it was and I hope its not important cause I'm not gonna try to look at it anymore. Then I had work from 3 till 6. It wasn't that bad today, probably because I kinda know what I'm doing now. Then I rushed to the baseball game and made it for the last 10 minutes of it. Then I went home and exercised for 30 minutes (I know, not a lot, but you gotta start somewhere). Then I had to go back out for an errand. Finally I got home for the night and I was gonna do more running but I was too tired and just got in the shower. I know I will regret it later, a lot. Now its 9:30 and I'm laying in bed and relaxing kinda. I've still got a lot on my mind: prom, work, ED, guys, family (dad), and school in general. In a way I'm glad I'm so busy because I don't think about things as much or I don't have time to anymore.
So I can't figure those two out. They change from day-to-day. I never know what to expect from them. First it was she didn't want me to have anything to do with him and he didn't want to have anything to do with her. Then out of nowhere they are cool again and I'm so confused. Now she wants to help fix things between me and him?????? He also gets mad so easily, like I was at work on my first day and he basically gets mad at me cause I couldn't talk to him?? I just can't keep up with these two. I don't know anymore.
Prom well, it's stupid and I hate it!!!!
So my dad is getting a heart cath tomorrow "just in case". He said he was having epigastric pain and sweating badly. I swear I worry more and more about him everyday. It would also help if he would stop smoking and drinking, I don't know, its not like I'm a doctor or anything, just doesn't take much brains to figure that out.
Ok I could go on and on but I'm not gonna. I hope things start to make sense again at some point.

Weird

well school is now officially akward and weird. I can't even look at him in the hallway. It's stupid! Everyone keeps asking me about prom and crap but I don't want to answer because that would bring on even more questions. I don't even know how to act now. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Oh well, gotta switch classes, this will be interesting.

Why me? Why now? Why?

Well, where do I start? How about the fact that I feel all alone now? I know I have friends but they just seem so distant now. MB doesn't even act the same around me. I'm sure HD hates me now and I don't blame her. I don't even know who to believe anymore. Its so ridiculous. RA hates me as well. I'm seeing a new side of him now. Trying on dresses didn't help at all either. I am going to run and eat only fruits and vegetable for a week, maybe even longer than that. Gah, I don't even know how to express the way I feel right now. I had everything and then I lost it. I have no one to talk to now. I don't want to make things worse with MB, RA doesn't want to talk to me or I'm afraid to talk to him, I don't want my mom to worry, and my dad is always drunk. I almost lost it this weekend. He was getting on my last nerve!! I can't even be happy that I finally got a job. I mean yes I'm getting paid but it is working at a vet clinic in their kennels. At least I well get to work with the dogs, they won't have any bad feelings toward me.
I feel so worthless right now.
"one good thing about music-when it hits-you feel no pain"
"sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
"is anybody out there? I feel like I'm talking to myself, No one seems to know my struggles and everything I come from. can anybody hear me?"
"there is always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok"