I give up. I don't know what the point is anymore. I don't belong anywhere. Especially at Rhodes. I can't make myself do my work, I can't make myself exercise, I can't even try to make myself be happy. I sleep but when I wake up in the morning I feel like I haven't slept in days, even when I go home and sleep in my own bed. I'm endlessly tired. I can't keep caught up on my reading and papers and videos and studying. I can't do anything right with my eating and weight, just keep getting fatter. I just feel miserable right now. I just want to go home and never come back here again. Honestly, I haven't learned anything so far or anything very useful to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yeah mom said I could just call but I don't feel like she could help very much. Yeah RA is there but I like to talk to him face to face or by this but he won't read it anymore. And I don't want to ruin the two days we get together by blabbing about my problems and its not like he will believe half of what I say. Can't talk to dad because he is either drunk or tries to relate it to something from his past or tries to get all religious (which I'm not even sure if he even believes in God). Gregory is just to young and I don't want to let all this out on him, it would be to much for him. Jessika, well, she would make it about her.
another thing that has been on my mind is RA and his other girl-friends. How often does he talk to her? does he think about her a lot? does he still have feelings for her? but at the same time I know he wouldn't hurt me. its just me getting jealous. and what about Cassidy? what other girls does he talk to? what other girls flirt with him? I don't want to lose him or be hurt again. I'm just being jealous, I need to get over it.
What about grandma? I'm so worried about her. at the same time I can't even stand to be in the same room as her, to see her falling apart like that. She doesn't deserve all of this.
As for mom, I don't know. I'm worried about her as well. Her blood pressure has been bad and she is always worried about me and dad is always stressing her out even more.
I'm just feed up, I really am. I'm tired up trying to be happy and trying to do this college work that I just can't keep up with. I'm tried up trying to make myself feel happy when deep down I'm not. The only time when I get back to happiness is Friday nights with him. Because then I know I can see him Saturday but then saturday night I'm thinking its my last night with him for a week and Sunday is just shadowed with the fact that I have to leave again. But I'd rather come home every weekend then stay here because then I would just be totally hopeless. I like to go back to familiar surroundings, back to where I know I don't have to act happy all the time, back to the less stressful life. I don't know, I'm just lazy, I'm a lazy worthless girl.
Well I got to go be a tazi for three other girls and I'm almost out of gas. story of my life.
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