Well let me just start out by saying, Today Was Freaking Awesome!!! Even though it was super hot outside I still had a great time. Today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. (Even though it did have some shadows) Yesterday was a great day as well; which is surprising considering how much I freaking ate! Besides me having to work this morning, today was amazing. I'm so glad he came with me to the festival (again, it was hot!). I didn't feel like a complete odd ball this time. Then the afternoon/evening I spent with him was my absolute favorite of the day. I could just lay with him all day and be content. RA, just want to let you know, the few tears that did fall were not b/c of anything you did, it happens to me all the time. Also, I LOVE YOU!!!! Wish you didn't have exams and I didn't have work, and maybe I coulda stayed longer, but hey, we have all summer :)

and of course ED isn't far behind. What is weird is that I had a few times during the day that I actually thought about doing something, which hasn't happened in a while now. I don't know, I feel like all this happiness is going to be taken away by my bipolar depression again. I just need to accept the fact that I am a screw up and I am worthless. I have freaking gained 30 pounds in less than a year. It kills me to think how hard I had to work to lose all that in the first place. It kills me that I can't get myself to do it again. It kills me to see my favorite pair of jeans folded up in the back of the closet b/c I can't wear them anymore. It kills me that I don't even feel comfortable wearing jeans at all. It kills me that I am not what people think I am. I am not skinny, beautiful, hot, small, nice, etc. I am none of these things, but whenever someone says something like that it just makes me want to work harder to fill what they think I am but at the same time makes me want to give up. I don't know, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.

Mixed Emotions

I am such a mess right now. I'm all around the place with emotions. One minute I'm happy the next I'm calm the next I'm sad. Its so un-nerving.
Like, I'm happy because its summer and no more school, but then I start thinking about me and I get all the feelings that come with my weight issue, then I'm calm because I know its all gonna be ok, then I'm sad because he is mad at me, then I'm tired for no flipping reason, then depressed because its summer and that means shorts and a bathing suit.
Some people I just can't understand, at all. Enough said, moving on.
These flipping cicadas are driving me nuts!!! They need to shut up! I mean, what good do they do, all they do is make noise and fly around and be gross.
I am such a fatty!!!! I had a big bowl of cereal this morning, then later i had a bunch of double stuff oreos, then later I had some chips (natural, whole grain kind), then I had some yogurt which I could barely finish because I drank to much water. Hopefully I won't eat anything else today. It would help if I could stay out of the house, cause I get bored and I eat.
How come, everytime I think of him I smile? or cry, or frown, or giggle, or sigh? I didn't think one person could have such a big affect on someone.
Ok I kinda like work now. Yes it may get hot and I may get frustrated but I like it, the people and the dogs. Days like today make me wish that I worked all day or more. It keeps my mind off things and gives me exercise.
Here is a link to some pics. I love love love flowers and nature pictures!!!! I can just look at these when I'm down and they will help a little. I'll add more pics later.
Beautiful
Ok I'm running out of time so I better go.
RA if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!!! haha I know, I'm creepy, sorry.

sorry

RA I don't know how to express how sorry I am and how much I love you. I know I screwed up big time and that it will take a long time to fix it. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry and I'll never lie again. I know, I know, you don't even believe me when I say that. If you don't believe anything else I say, at least believe this, that I love you more than you know and that I will never lie to you again.

Not what I expected

Well, I managed to walk across the stage without tripping. I am so tired right now. The two days before I was so nervous I could barely eat or sleep. And having to go to work the next day doesn't help either. Because when I am up, I am up for the day. I had fun during and after graduation but the afternoon and night were not the best. I realize now, I was kinda being a little over dramatic about it but, I just didn't want to mess with crap last night. So on my graduation day I was in bed and asleep by 9:30. Over all the I'm proud of you's and congrats, I still feel like crap. Not so much as I used to but still enough to bother me. I wish I could've seen RA, it would've helped me a lot. But life's not meant to be easy and let me tell you that mine as been far from easy. But when I look back on all these years, there are moments I'm glad I have, moments I regret, moments that were the saddest and happiest of my life. I have learned a lot over the last four years alone. I am going to miss a select few from high school but, the majority of them I say good riddance!!

Pictures:
Graduation!

I am ready for a great summer. But I would like the humidity and the cicadas to go away! Just enough annoying stuff to make me want to stay inside and be lazy, which isn't good. Oh well.

*Sigh*

Hmmmm, looooonnnng day. So much going on, its crazy and tomorrow will be worse. It was a pretty good day, would've been better if I hadn't had the snack before I laid down for the night. Now I'm laying here and all I can think about is how fat I am, ugh! Oh well.
Right now all I want is to be curled up with RA and sleeping. It's gonna be a long weekend without him. Sometimes when he questions me though it hurts, and it kinda makes me question myself. I guess I just have to earn his trust back, or earn it for the first time.
Wow, I didn't think it would hurt this much. I really did screw up. Dang
I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling right now. Like it almost physically hurts, to know that he doesn't believe anything I say.
I guess I asked for it.....

Hard

Well this is extremely hard. Going through a day is like climbing a mountain. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for him. It would also help if I could just cry and let it all out.I feel such a mixture of things right now. I want to just give up but at the same time I want to fight it. Now my mom is starting to worry about me, which isn't good because she would just make it worse. It's like I have a two track mind, one side is ED and the other is RA. Those are the things I'm always thinking about.
I just can't wait till graduation, then that's one less thing I have to worry about. I can leave that stupid he'll hole and never come back. Hopefully the pain will go away completely then.
Well I'm back to the ED topic.......again. Sorry. I just wish things could stay good. They get good then go bad again and it's not just slightly, it's major. No one will ever understand. I'll just keep it to myself from now on.
Someone please help my dad!!!
I'm tired of being alone, I just like to have someone I really care about right next to me. It helps me to know that I am wanted by someone or that I can actually do something right. And for a while I forget everything.

Ehhh day

Today started out ok. I didn't sleep well the night before and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I went to school and took two exams that I passed. Then I went home.....not good. I had a bowl of cereal (that was ok), then yogurt (that was pushing it), then some veggie lasagna (over doing it), then some ice cream (really over doing it), some point I had 2 nutri-grain bars (way way over board), then some cheese and twislers (overboard). So my world came crashing down once again. I lost it. I just wanted to leave but I couldn't. I just wanted to escape my life. Everything around here has to many bittersweet memories. So, I drove, I went all the way to Ashland city. Its the only place that I know how to get around. Here are some pics: 
Ashland City

After I got home I felt a lot better. Not totally good again but better. Would've been better if I had gotten to see RA. but he is still here so I'm not complaining. I didn't even feel like yelling at my mom and brother today. I am in an unusual calm mood right now. Its really weird. I just hope Jessika doesn't ruin it.

RA I am really sorry, for everything. I don't mean to constantly hurt you. I'm trying so hard not to do anything bad. I really do mean what I say. The reason it took me so long to say it is because I'm so careful with that kinda thing. I don't want to end up making the wrong decision. I want to make sure its what is best and its what I want. When I'm feeling horrible all I can think is, "I wish he was here with me".

I found this quote on a while ago and I agreed with it whole heartily:
"i want a guy who calls you beautifull instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. the boy who kisses your forehead who thinks you're pretty without makeup on. the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you."
RA is the closest I have come to that, and I feel pretty lucky to have him as a friend (maybe as more in the future, that is if he wants that).

As for school and graduation, I'm at the point where I'm just going through the motions. The day I walk across that stage will be so bittersweet. I will finally be done with overton and high school but at the same time I'm losing everything. I'm just gonna make the best of it, hopefully I won't have to many break downs. And my dad, well he is doing better but I still worry about him everyday. I just can't wait to go on vacation with him at the end of the month. Back to nature!! and out of nashville!!! I wish that RA didn't have to go to school for so long or I would take him with me :) that is even if he could or wanted to. but he is stuck at school with exams.
Oh well, guess thats all I got to say, bye bye.

well.....

I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't cry, I don't get mad, so what am I suposed to do?? Coming home is like hell now. It all comes rushing back to me. Like, I feel so numb right now. I can't even describe it. So many things running through my head right now. Doubt, fear, excitement, happiness, sadness, sorrow, confusion, all going a hundred miles an hour through my mind.
I now realize what separates the men from the boys. I realize what really matters, most of the time. I know how important the truth is, and what lieing can do. I now know the full power of words and actions. I now know who are my real friends and who are just jerks. Now the problem is everyone else not knowing all this.
I'm now wondering if my dad was right. All every buy thinks or wants from a girl is to get into her pants. Most don't care about her, they just like her body. RA if you are this way, please leave now. Cause I've had enough guys who are like that. That's why I don't like to kiss and stuff like that, because that's how I tell if a guy really cares. If all he tries to do is get physical (Lio) I know they don't like me for me. Yeah, don't get me wrong, I like all the compliments from everyone, but that makes me feel like that's all they see sometimes. I just really hope your not one of those guys......
I love spending time with you and I wish I never had to leave you.  You make me forget everything.

Ugh!!!! I wish I could cry!! I need to so bad right now!!!
I also wish I could sleep.
I wish I was 93 lbs again,
I wish I wasn't so tired most of the time,
I wish I could just run away,
I wish that I could go back in time,
I wish that I could be a good person, I feel like I'm a horrible, dirty, crazy girl.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

What happened? What brought this on?

Well I feel like I'm falling, and falling quick. I have had a semi-great week. I was actually feeling good, until today. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm trying sooooo hard to. but I don't know how much longer I can make it. I'm having thoughts come back and the depression. I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough, nothing works. Everywhere I go, there are memories, of what was and reminders of how I have given in. I mean, this week was really good, compared to the others. It was my birthday, I didn't go to school for most of it, I got my yearbook, had my last full day of high school, spent an amazing night with this guy. But today was all downhill. This is exactly why I don't like to go out anywhere. I see all the skinny girls, all the clothes I wish I could wear, all the food I wish I could eat, all the fun I wish I could have. But right now, It all feels kinda hopeless, how long will it take?
I just want to escape for a while. I want to go out and leave this reality and this pain. I could really use it. I think my mom would kill me if I did that. I would go right now if I didn't have to work or take exams. I would just go, with no plans, sleep in my car if I had to.
FML!!! My mom and brother are going to the Y and I can't even bring myself to go. I know I need to but I just can't do it right now. It's not gonna happen. Once again, they are so much better than me.
Oh man, I wish I could put into words what I am thinking right now. How can you go from one day being great to the next being complete crap? I don't get it, it's horrible. Like I can't even cry right now, I'm not even angry, I just kinda am. but my brain feels like its going to explode.
I have no one right now, or that's what it feels like.
I have felt worse than this before but I have never had to thoughts that I am having now. I hope I'm not turning into my dad....
RA where are you when I need you!!

Is it possible for your heart to really,physically break??? Cause that's kinda how mine feels like right now. I feel like I have divided it up and given it to certain people and they just don't care or don't even realize it. MB took a hunk of it and just threw it on the ground and stomped on it, RA has part of it but doesn't realize it. He thinks he means so little to me. If he didn't mean anything, if I didn't care, would I have told him everything about me, would I have come to him crying my eyes out? It's like the chunk of my heart that he has he takes for granted.
I wish I knew who to believe. I wish I could trust my closest friends. I wish I could just run away.
I just wish I could better explain how I feel and what I'm thinking right now.
I have never felt so hurt in my life and it sucks!!
I feel hurt and betrayed by most of my friends (MB, RA, HD, JK).
Is it bad that I'm to tired and uncaring right now that I can't even cry? Cause that's all I want to do right now but all I can do is stare into my darkened room, hoping sleep will eventually come.

(2 of 2) then I could just go....

(1 of 2) So, I feel completly alone in the world right now. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have lost my two best friends. I wish I ahd money, cause

 I fell like crap but at the same time I feel great? It makes no sense to me. I feel great because I didn't have to go to school today, I got to hang  out with some friends (even though it wasn't the best time), I had fun scrapbooking, and I'm not constantly thinking about my weight. It was bad because he still managed to rip my heart out, I feel bigger than ever, I feel like I can't do anything right, and I miss Humbolt like crazy. Today  would have been perfect if I weren't so freaking fat and lazy, if I hadn't eaten, and if I could stop caring. Because all it does is cause me pain and misery. I'm thinking that I just need to take off on my own for a week, I'll be 18 soon. I'm tired of the drama, the pain, the tears, and the worry. Over everything. All I ever want to do anymore is lay on the swing by myself and listen to nature. Maybe my mom and brother are right, I am a hermit. Or maybe I'm tired of the real world...... 

Frustration

Here are some pics from this weekend. I have a bunch more but they are of flowers. I had one of my best weekends I've had lately. Which is weird because it was spent with my dad.
This weekend

Ok here is the deal. I don't even want to deal with all my crap. Like I'm thinking about it all but its in the back of my mind. Like right now I'm telling myself fat ass get up of your butt and exercise. You know what I'm doing?, sitting here writing this. I don't even care enough right now to do something about it. I'll just regret it later, whats new.
I should clean my room, study for AP Gov't, give the dogs a bath, etc. But nope, I'm just being lazy.

At this point, I am tired of trying to fix things when they go wrong. If things can't stay good, then it's just not meant to be. shit happens but not all of it can be fixed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want things to go wrong or to give up but there is only so much you can do.

Like, I don't even want to cry, but I prob will tonight, it always comes back. I'll prob be up all night since I slept most of the day. I woke up before my alarm for work went off which was set for 6:15 am. When I got back at like 8 I tried to sleep right away but I couldn't. So I got up and helped my dad with yard work and played with lucy and laid on the swing and got some sun. Then we went to McKay's and a few other places and when we got back I got back on the swing, then I helped dad some more then I finally slept. I actually fell asleep on the floor! lol I got up at about 5 and ate and then came back to my moms early, before they got back from Memphis.
Overall I really enjoyed my weekend even though I ate way to much and didn't run or anything. Saturday night was bittersweet though. It started out good then took a turn for the worse. I'm not gonna get into the details, lets just say that I wasn't a very happy person. It ended fairly well. I sat outside on the swing till late because I actually feel alseep on it. But it was amazing and I loved it.
I just don't want the week to start, because I'll prob go back down into my sad depressed self. On the bright side, I only have two weeks of school left. 

While I was playing on my Ipod I found some interesting stuff.
       "If a man or woman has done his best, what else is there?" 
      " I may not lead the most dramatice life, but in my brain it's war and peace everyday."
       "Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool."
       "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
     "I wish I could just float away and I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving the ones I loved and I could start a new"
      "Don't worry about anything instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done."
     "sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
     "you put me through so much yet still love you"
     " there's always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok."
     "what do you do when the one who broke your heart is the only one who can fix it?"
      " cus I need, I need a hand to hold, to hold me from the edge, the edge I'm sliding over slowly....."
     "who do you turn to? when the only person in the world who can stop you crying is the one thats making you cry?"
     "its a great day... don't let some idiot ruin it for you"  :)
    "sometimes the ones that smile all the time are the ones who truly need help"
    "drunkenness is temporary suicide; the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessationg of unhappiness"

Great now they are home, and I have to deal with them. They are just to happy for me, its kind of annoying. Like I know ya'll are better than me, so you don't have to put it in my face. You're tanner than me, thinner than me, smarter than me, funner than me, must I go on?

Ugh Ugh Ugh, I feel so freaking fat right now!!! Here comes the anger hopefully I won't do anything stupid this time. I wish I had gas in my car :(

Honestly I am very tempted to go live with my dad right now, thats how much I hate this place right now.

Gah!!!!!!!! I want to scream!!!!! Ugh, things are coming back, time to risk running out of gas and go to the creek before they get back. all alone once again........

More Pictures!!!!

these are just some random pictures that I picked out. Im going through all my pictures on my computer and found some good ones.

Ahhhhh, better times

Old Times

Pictures

here is a link to some old pictures of me

These were the good days

I'm so tired, of everything. Right at this moment I just have the attitude of I don't care about anything and I give up. I fighting the urge.......

RA thanks for putting up with all my crap.

More pictures coming later tonight or this weekend.

ehhh

So today wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I'm glad we aren't doing anything in school because I wouldn't do any work anyway. So I haven't been thinking a whole lot sense this morning because it hurts to much. I just can't wait till school is out. I actually had fun at work and after I got home. I went to the creek and took some pictures, they didn't turn out great but I had fun and that's all that matters. I'll try to get them up somehow cause of course it won't be easy and work the correct way.

I feel like sometimes he is jerking me around. Like if I'm the only girl around then yeah I'm his but if there is someone else he rips my heart out. But idc, as long as he is still there to talk to. I know, I'm crazy.

RA, you mean more to me then anyone does right now. Don't ever forget that. Your perfect the way you are.

Oh boy, I'm on my "fake high" right now and I can feel the crash coming. WHY!!!!!! ERRRR!!!!!
My eyes hurt too much already and I can hardly breath as it is. Dang it!!! well just shows how screwed up I am.....

It's been a long, boring, stressful, confusing day so far. More later....

Lord give me strength!!

This weekend was going great! I felt like I was finally coming back and that my hard work was paying off. I guess it was just my head fooling me. Cause tonight I feel as fat as ever and its getting really hard to keep my spirits up right now. Now I'm scared to see what I will do once I get home after school tomorrow. Will I be able to stay strong and not pig out? Will I be able to run or exercise?
OMG!!! I just want to just go run nonstop all night!!! I feel like I've completely ruined everything today. I have also banned myself from looking at the pictures on my laptop. They just remind me of how much I've lost.
I just really want someone to talk to right now. umm like MB, but I don't want to bother him anymore. RA just is, idk. I feel like I can't really talk to him till we get everything worked out, if we even do. Even then will he understand?
RA, there's something I want you to try to understand. Yes you might have said something similar to what he told me but you couldn't have had the impact or said the exact same thing. He knew me before all this mess, like last year and way before that even. So when he said that, I knew something had to change. I don't want you thinking you didn't help at all, cause you did, a lot. Who knows what I would've done that night. I wouldn't blame you if yo gave up on me, I don't deserve it. I've treated you like crap. I can't say sorry enough, and its not like you believe anything I say anyways. All I can say is that I'm trying my gdamn hardest to become the person I used to be. who would've never done all this crap, who wouldn't have taken you for granted.
I wish I could move on but I can't....... I love him..........but he doesn't anymore.......