Well hello,
it's been a while....
Tonight has been a struggle. One of the hardest I've had in a while. So here I am trying to let some of it out before I do something I will regret or upset RA.
Life has been a whirlwind the past few months. Graduation, job search, new job, life occurrences. And of course there is always the internal war within me. I have to admit, I have had a lot of good times this summer. And I have gotten a lot better with things in general and am enjoying life a little more. I don't know what exactly is changing or if its just re-occuring but I feel like I'm going back down again. And, honestly I'm kinda scared about it.
I have been working out for the past 2-3 weeks at least 3 times a week and up to 5 times a week. I have been doing ok with eating healthier. But for some reason today was hard. All I wanted to do was stuff my face. I need a day off from exercise because I'm a little sore. The closer it got to five the more I wanted to go to Logan's to have a real chicken salad. But of course I can't just have a salad. I have to have a roll, peanuts, and fried zucchini fries as well and half a cookie when I got home. It wouldn't have been as bad if I had worked out before it or at all but I have been sitting on my butt all day at work. So not only did I feel extremely full but when I undressed for a shower and looked at myself I was angry and ashamed and frustrated. I wanted to do one of two things that I hadn't done in a long time.
I just can't believe that I still have yet to gain back my self control that I had before all this mess. I'm starting to wonder if I should just give up and try accept the way my head works and that I will never be that way again.
What upsets me sometimes too is that now I feel like I can't even really talk to RA about it cause it upsets him or he is just over it and fed up with my crap. Yes it hurts but how can I blame him? After 4 years of putting up with it who wouldn't be tired of it.
While at the same time I started a new job and am learning all this stuff for this job and trying to do the best I can there and keep a smile on. Some days its hard and some days I just don't want to be there but I make myself stay and work hard. I know that one day I will move up and grow and even get my masters I just need to be patient. Everyone has to start somewhere.
Also, RA went back to school so I am having to readjust to that as well. I don't even want to get into that.
DD went to start his freshman year as well. He seems to really be enjoying it except for one class but we all have that one class that we hate. I a glad that he is doing good so far. I was worried that he wouldn't even go to classes to begin with. So now I am home with mom and so she can focus on my now instead of him but don't get me wrong he is still her baby. She just doesn't like me working out and stuff. And sometimes I just want my space but she is right there and I feel bad if I close my door because of the AC.
Idk, life is just hard right now. I just needed to let some of it out whether or not someone reads this. It helps.
Night.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sooooo, this weekend. Possibly one of the worst I have had in a while. On top of that, it was so yo-yo mood wise. I would go from enjoying myself to deep anxiety. At this point I feel like my life is falling apart. I should have just kept my butt in Memphis for the weekend instead of trying to enjoy myself by leaving. Don't get me wrong I had some fun this weekend it is just REALLY overshadowed by the bad. I had fun at a cookout with friends and a craft fair with my family and some light running with the dog but other than that it wasn't any good.
I am not gonna talk about the worst of it because I don't want to even think about that right now. But my dad started going into withdrawal this morning. I had seem him start withdrawal and have heard about how bad it can be but nothing compares to actually seeing it happen. Dry heaving at least once an hour and uncontrollable shaking. And thats just from what I could see from watching him. This started early this morning and continued until early afternoon when it slowed down. When I left around 4 he couldn't keep water down but had made it out of bed. I am not saying he didn't bring it on himself or that he doesn't deserve it. No matter what I still love him and it still kills me to see him in so much pain and feel so helpless.
Also, my uncle's back gave out this morning while he was visiting us, ended up on the floor for about an hour. It was not fun to watch but I think he is ok now. Just didn't help my mood.
To add to all this, I could not seem to control what I put in my mouth this weekend. Soooo many sweets. If its there, I'm likely to eat it. Its a vicious cycle I go through every week. I'm starting to think I should just give up.
Everything looks hopeless right now.
Everything.
Stuck.
Got to go.
I am not gonna talk about the worst of it because I don't want to even think about that right now. But my dad started going into withdrawal this morning. I had seem him start withdrawal and have heard about how bad it can be but nothing compares to actually seeing it happen. Dry heaving at least once an hour and uncontrollable shaking. And thats just from what I could see from watching him. This started early this morning and continued until early afternoon when it slowed down. When I left around 4 he couldn't keep water down but had made it out of bed. I am not saying he didn't bring it on himself or that he doesn't deserve it. No matter what I still love him and it still kills me to see him in so much pain and feel so helpless.
Also, my uncle's back gave out this morning while he was visiting us, ended up on the floor for about an hour. It was not fun to watch but I think he is ok now. Just didn't help my mood.
To add to all this, I could not seem to control what I put in my mouth this weekend. Soooo many sweets. If its there, I'm likely to eat it. Its a vicious cycle I go through every week. I'm starting to think I should just give up.
Everything looks hopeless right now.
Everything.
Stuck.
Got to go.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
So today has been an overall sucky day, started off bad, ending bad. Just woke up feeling like crap and that feeling never went away. I had a lot of work to do and a test tomorrow but no matter how hard I try my brain will not function properly or concentrate on anything other then how messed up i am and this day. For the first time in a while I had a dream last night that I remember and maybe that threw me off to start with.
I spent almost an hour trying to find something to wear but nothing felt right. I don't look good in anything, I just look in the mirror and see ugliness. What breaks me is that I fight with this everyday and I tell myself you can fix this but it never happens. I do good for a few days but then I fall. Today was just a really bad day. I just feel so helpless and alone. I go from wanting to get in shape the right way to wanting to not eat again but nothing ever happens, Im stuck and its the worst. Its becoming painful. I don't have control over anything anymore. I feel like ive almost slipped back into a depression where all i do or want to do is sit alone or read and not think about life.
This weekend is Valentine's day and I'm excited I think. I finally get to see RA and alone, spend some time with him for the first time in like 3 weeks. I was reading his old blog posts (kinda surprised they are still there) and its amazing how much has changed. In some ways I miss the old him but in others I don't. we have both come so far, im just hoping that he isn't in this relationship just cause he doesn't want to be single or sees me as a prize, idk. this is what I wonder sometimes. But deep down I know that he truly loves me and he is happy with me.
Graduation is also looming and im not sure how i feel about that. it just reminds me that I have nothing in my future, i have accomplished nothing. and at the moment Im not motivated to find something, cause i have come to feel that i am not good enough for anything. Its not for not applying to internships that I don't have one, its that I never hear back from any of them.
I want so much out of life but I can't seem to find happiness in the day to day activities anymore. All I see is the struggle.
no control
no power
no motivation
no freedom
pain
is
all
i
feel...
i just want the release.
I spent almost an hour trying to find something to wear but nothing felt right. I don't look good in anything, I just look in the mirror and see ugliness. What breaks me is that I fight with this everyday and I tell myself you can fix this but it never happens. I do good for a few days but then I fall. Today was just a really bad day. I just feel so helpless and alone. I go from wanting to get in shape the right way to wanting to not eat again but nothing ever happens, Im stuck and its the worst. Its becoming painful. I don't have control over anything anymore. I feel like ive almost slipped back into a depression where all i do or want to do is sit alone or read and not think about life.
This weekend is Valentine's day and I'm excited I think. I finally get to see RA and alone, spend some time with him for the first time in like 3 weeks. I was reading his old blog posts (kinda surprised they are still there) and its amazing how much has changed. In some ways I miss the old him but in others I don't. we have both come so far, im just hoping that he isn't in this relationship just cause he doesn't want to be single or sees me as a prize, idk. this is what I wonder sometimes. But deep down I know that he truly loves me and he is happy with me.
Graduation is also looming and im not sure how i feel about that. it just reminds me that I have nothing in my future, i have accomplished nothing. and at the moment Im not motivated to find something, cause i have come to feel that i am not good enough for anything. Its not for not applying to internships that I don't have one, its that I never hear back from any of them.
I want so much out of life but I can't seem to find happiness in the day to day activities anymore. All I see is the struggle.
no control
no power
no motivation
no freedom
pain
is
all
i
feel...
i just want the release.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Contemplations...
As my life ebs on i realiz that i have accomplished nothing with my life. I have just been carelessly moving through it. Im starting to question everything.
Yes, i still have good days, days where i feel happy. But sitting here tonight, listening to the many noises that are this city, i feel lost.
Weighing on me is the pain that sometimes comes from love. Tonight, i feel like i love him with all my being but there is a nagging whisper "he doesnt love you as strongly, he could be happy without you in his life." Maybe its just simply the male species or that i have an idealized idea of love and happiness from my books.
Graduation is in May but i have nothing to look forward to. I feel so incompetent. I can't even get an internship, i dont even want to go to classes anymore. I want to start living and stop being so scared. I look around me here and everyone is so smart and on the road to success, with nothing stopping them. Not me.
Sometimes i wish i had a capable father. I love him despite everything. Times like these, i wish i had a strong male figure to talk to and tell me that everything will be ok. Mine does good to make the motions to get through the day. I miss the fun we used to have when he was sober, its all tainted now.
Sometimes, i just wish i could start over. Go back to the days before the hospital, before my world completely exploded. I hate to say this and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like this was the turning point in my life so far, every little day mattered.
As i sit here alone, i contemplate my life. How do i move on. I miss my love so badly but he does not even seem like he misses me in the slightest. All this struggle an for what?
Maybe sleep will bring a better mind, peace to my anxiety.
As my life ebs on i realiz that i have accomplished nothing with my life. I have just been carelessly moving through it. Im starting to question everything.
Yes, i still have good days, days where i feel happy. But sitting here tonight, listening to the many noises that are this city, i feel lost.
Weighing on me is the pain that sometimes comes from love. Tonight, i feel like i love him with all my being but there is a nagging whisper "he doesnt love you as strongly, he could be happy without you in his life." Maybe its just simply the male species or that i have an idealized idea of love and happiness from my books.
Graduation is in May but i have nothing to look forward to. I feel so incompetent. I can't even get an internship, i dont even want to go to classes anymore. I want to start living and stop being so scared. I look around me here and everyone is so smart and on the road to success, with nothing stopping them. Not me.
Sometimes i wish i had a capable father. I love him despite everything. Times like these, i wish i had a strong male figure to talk to and tell me that everything will be ok. Mine does good to make the motions to get through the day. I miss the fun we used to have when he was sober, its all tainted now.
Sometimes, i just wish i could start over. Go back to the days before the hospital, before my world completely exploded. I hate to say this and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like this was the turning point in my life so far, every little day mattered.
As i sit here alone, i contemplate my life. How do i move on. I miss my love so badly but he does not even seem like he misses me in the slightest. All this struggle an for what?
Maybe sleep will bring a better mind, peace to my anxiety.
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