Goodbye new me, hello Old me!!!

Lately I have been feeling so lost. I didn't know what I was doing anymore and I couldn't make sense of what was going on in my head. But then after thinking for a couple of days, I figured I would ask an old friend for help. And he did. I told him that I knew I had changed but that I didn't think it was a good change and I asked him what he thought. It said that I had changed. I then proceeded to ask him if it was bad. His response, "I mean, I like the old you better. but I mean a lot of it is you not believing in yourself, you don't have confidence, there isn't any of the drive and determination you used to have. its like you just gave up on everything."
And you know what? after a few tears in the bathroom at work, I realized that he was right. I hope that I can get back to the old me, like he says, "you need to find those qualities you had before all this because that's where you need to be".  Harsh, but so true. I was so much happier then.
I then proceeded to apologize about everything. and said that "I didn't know what happened to me, but I'm tired of this mess." his response, "yes me too haha".  Now if what he said earlier didn't hurt that did!! but I'm cool with it. Because he didn't lie to me, he was just blunt, which is what I wanted, don't get me wrong.

I also took RA's advice about trying to take my "happy pills" again. And it actually helped, so thank you.

So hopefully this is a whole new start for me, no more mess.

RA

I'm sorry. I realize now how stupid I've been. I would like to be friends but, thats if you would want to. As for Kristauf and Jonny, I hate them. MB is my best friend. Thats all, he is over me.
I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again.

one more thing for today.

I give up for today!!!!

I'm just gonna have to settle with getting fat.

end of story.

ok, how do I always get things wrong or mess them up?
I can't eat right, I can't act right, I can't do anything right.
I feel like I'm all alone again. No one to talk to or who understands.
yeah, I may "have lots of issues that I need to work out" (thanks Hannah, didn't know it was so obvious). but my question is, how do I "work" them out?

I was almost to the point of tears at the end of the day. Nothing is going right. I can't figure MB out. One day he talks to me and acts like a good friend and the next he barely talks to me. And hangs out with all the "skinny" popular girls. I don't know, I'm probably just jealous, no I am jealous. On top of that I was feeling horrible because I ate the lunch they brought for us. It wasn't part of my plan. Then when we get back I walk by one of MB best girl buddies ,Katlyn, and she is staring at me. I had to walk away to get here to stop. I can't help but to feel like she doesn't like me for some reason.
At this point I wanted to go home and bawl my eyes out. you know what I did instead?I ate, pizza, and a whole lotta m&m's.  So at this point I feel completely useless. I tell myself that I can't sit down or it will all turn into fat. so I figure I'll go for a walk with Lucy, and see if that helps any. No it did not. If anything, I come out of it feeling worse. I made RA feel like crap, when he isn't. Why can't he see its for the best.

The worst part of everything is that I feel like I am losing my best friend. I mean, I've known him since first grade. Now I feel like he is slowly slipping away.

Who am I?? That is the question I'm trying to figure out.
Why do I do the things I do?
Why does it bother me so much?
Where did I go wrong with him?
What went wrong?
Why am I so powerless?
What did I ever do to them?

I'll get back to you later, I gotta play taxi.

Bits and Pieces

RA

Here are the parts of "Tomorrow" by Chris Young  that I was talking about.

Tomorrow I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna let you go and walk away
Like every day I said I would
And tomorrow, I'm gonna listen
To that voice of reason inside my head
Telling me that we're no good

We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But there's too much bad for us to think
That there's anything worth trying to save

We are always arguing about something. You either assume the worst of me or of yourself. We are always threatening to hurt ourselves if the other does something. Its not right.
Plus, I can't keep dragging you along. You want to be more than friends but I don't and I'm not sure if I will ever want to be more than that.

You haven't done anything. It's just that we don't go good together, we just make things worse for each other, or at least I make them worse for you.
So, don't do anything stupid. I'm gonna keep my promise so please keep yours.
No matter what you think, I do care and would hate to see anything happen to you.

RA

I shoulda stuck to what I said that night. I new I would regret taking it back. Things get better for a couple days then it gets bad again.  And it's not anything you did, trust me. So I mean it this time when I say goodbye. I can't do this anymore. Just don't blame yourself.

Shadows Everywhere

Is it bad that I don't want to come home. I go out and I just don't want to have to come back home. Sometimes I just wish I had my own place and just lived alone. I kinda feel like I don't belong here anymore. My mom and brother are always together doing stuff, and when I am with them I always feel left out. Like at church today, I was sitting in between my mom and brother, I got up to go to the bathroom and came back to find that my brother had taken my spot. Once again I was separated from them. I kinda feel really alone whenever I'm home. I mean I could go out there with them, but it is just weird for me, its hard to explain, I just feel like I can't talk to them.
My dad isn't doing good either. I am so worried about him all the time now. He doesn't know when to stop. My heart pounds every time I see the grimace in his face. Seeing the bruises, scraps, and swelling just makes me want to cry.
The only time that I feel ok or good is when I'm with him. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

RA

I'm sorry. For everything. For the pain I caused, for the trouble I have caused. I'm sorry that I treat you the way I do. I don't know why I do, I honestly have no clue why I do.
Sometimes I take out the anger and frustration I have toward myself, and throw it at you. Even when you didn't do anything wrong.
I feel like I should leave you alone. Cause I just make things worse for you. Plus, I'm not even worth it.
So I guess this is goodbye. Don't think its your fault, cause it definitely is not!!! It's mine and always has been. I enjoyed every minute I spent with you. But it doesn't hide the bad things good enough. I screw up everything I touch.
Be careful and don't do anything stupid. I would never forgive myself.

So Tired

I am so worthless. I have lost myself and I can't do anything but sit around and mope and cry. I want to be skinny so bad but I can't make myself do anything about it. And I can't blame anyone for it. Its all my fault. I did this to myself. I gotta stop taking it out on other people. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I know the possible solutions but I'm so damn weak that I can't make myself do it. Even when someone tells me its ok to do it, I still can't. I'm a monster, who doesn't care about anything but herself.
I lie to myself and to everyone else. I don't know whats wrong with me.
anybody got any ideas??????
Maybe I am as bad as people say I am.......

Can I ever do anything right??

apparently not.........

I Hate Myself!!
I want to sew my mouth shut.

hmph

Well I don't know what to say. I'm trying to stay positive and keep things to myself but its hard. I'm tired of writing about all the bad stuff, its just the only time that I want to write.
So I'm offically not the real me anymore. I now realize that now. The pieces have finally fell into place, I can see what I have become. I blame it all on ED.
I'm now mean, a player, a bitch, a liar, a fatty, fake, lazy, and stupid. I've lost everything. or at least it feels like it.
On top of that, my brother continues to outshine me in everything. I feel like I'm useless now.
No matter how hard I try I can't do anything right. and it sucks, I feel powerless. but whats new.
Oh no, tears, better go......

Sooooooooooooooooo tired!!! of everything!!!
and I wish this constant pain would go away!!

I don't know what to say or do anymore

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML !!!!!!!! ok, I have recently realized how much of a complete screw up I am. I really really am. I treat my friends like crap and I don't care almost anything anymore. It's almost like I have given up on trying to get back what once was. I have been trying not to admit it to myself but I think I have slowly lost who I truly am. I don't know when it started happening but I have a feeling it had to do with ED, in differents ways and reasons. I am no longer the good student like I used to be, I no longer keep to myself, I no longer have control over food/eating, I am no longer as nice as I used to be, I have huge mood swings now, its ridiculous. I purposely avoid spending time with my mom now when she used to be all that i had. I miss the happiness of last year, the good times. Now all I have is trouble and depression. I feel weird saying that but I don't know how else to explain it. It doesn't help that now its getting warmer out and I have nothing that fits, its all from the 93 lb me, which I miss so much!!! Hopefully I can at least get to 100 lbs again soon. I can't keep going on like this anymore, its killing me.
I can hardly stand spending time at my dad's either. He seems like he is constantly drunk now. It makes me so mad. Plus he acts so stupid. He doesn't even try to hide the beer now. I'm debating weather or not I should tell him how I feel. I don't want to hear more crap and see him cry and him try to find something in common with me or try to make excuses. I've heard to many by now. I'm soooooo tired of it! It takes everything in me not to yell at him sometimes.
(RA your gonna hate me for what I'm about to say)
The only thing keeping me sane right now is MB, at least it feels like it. He keeps me motivated and trys to get me to run everyday. He can always make me feel better and he was the only one who thought I never had a ED in the first place. I feel like I can tell him anything and he would never judge me for it. Like at the game one night, I cried my eyes out in front of him and he didn't run away. He talked to me about it and told me I could fix it I just had to work at it everyday.
Also the one year anniversary of the hospital stay is coming up. Which doesn't help any at all. I find myself thinking about it more often now. I sometimes wish I could go back to then. I know its horrible but its true. Its a symbol/sign that I was still skinny or smaller than I am now. A sign that I was still doing something right. I remember sitting in my room at night watching Pirates, texting MB, and not having any worries but when I was getting out. The best part was when I finally got to leave, I will never forget that day! I got to go eat something that wasn't hospital food, than I went home and enjoy the fresh air for the first time in a week and a half, than I went to his game to surprise him. I will never forget his face when he found out I was there. At the same time I remember the day I had to go to the hospital. I had had a really doctors appt. when out of nowhere the doc decided I needed to go to the hospital. I was so mad and didn't understand why. but I had no choice but to go. So before I went home to get my stuff together I went by his game. Sense I couldn't wait till the end of the game I had no choice but to get him out of the dugout. I tried to hold the tears in while I told him where I was going. I didn't want to leave him but he had to play so I left in tears just as I had come in tears. But I still look back on that week as something I will always want to go back to.

just another day

today was just like any other normal day. school school school. But, I didn't have to work and I got to see my dog, who I have missed dearly for the past few months. I was so excited and I can't stop petting her. The sun was out again as well. It felt so good! It also reminded me of how hard I'm going to have to work to get into shape for the summer. At least I didn't eat to much junk today, almost made it with less than 1,000 calories but blew it at the end of the day, I had to have the twislers! My new plan is to go home, change, leave the house, watch rugby practice, go to work, get home and eat light, if I have energy run or something, shower then bed. Hopefully it will keep me from eating to much. It may not, at this point I have tried everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't work. Just trying to stay positive.

so.....idk if I want to talk about some stuff yet. oh well, I'll just keep blabbing cause I feel like writing. I want a new car soooo bad, I hate my granny mobile!! but I think I'm gonna be stuck with it for a while, a long while. Ok, question, why aren't we ever satisfied with what we have? why do we always want more or something different? I'm not saying that I'm not included in this category, because I am. My guess is that we always want to be better than everyone else or we want to be the best we can be. Also we get mad because we mess up every once and a while. but why? Its not like we are or can be perfect and never do anything wrong.

I guess I should give up on him. I don't know what went wrong. Oh well, I'm not surprised.
Good Night

ugh!!

I am going on a roller coaster right now. Up down, up down, up down..... One moment I feel great and the next I'm falling apart. I'm tired of it. Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I'm just so tired of what I plan in my head not actually happening. I'm so close to just giving up. I keep thinking of things I haven't tried before. I think about not eating at all or fasting for a little bit. but deep inside I know it won't work. I know why but I don't want him to know, it's embrassing, its the one thing I haven't told him. At least I don't remember telling him. Only one person outside of my family knows and thats MB. Its just something I fight with every single day. It is what keeps me from losing weight and in a way excersising. Also I have had some thoughts about drinking, and I have come close to actually doing it. I know its wrong and I hate it with a passion but I just want to forget everything and have some fun. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, feeling like I'm worthless and that I can't do anything. All I see in myself right now is a fat, lazy, stupid, annoying girl. ugh! I wish I could write and explain what I am thinking right now! Its so frustrating!
The other night had to be one of the worst nights ever. I felt so freaking bad. It was so pathetice. I was laying in bed, curled up next to my stuffed elephant, balling my eyes out. I couldn't even let it all out or I would have woken my mom and brother up. I was just so overwhelmed with the past year and what I have become. I was frustrated with myself and how I let people tell me what to do. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling like shit every f***ing day!  I went from a size 0 to over a size 5! I refuse to buy any bigger then a 6, absolutely refuse to. I wake up everyday thinking this is a brand new day, you can do it, you can be normal, but it never works out. I always screw it up like the idiot that I am. Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever. I can't even look at my prom pictures without holding back frustration and tears.
On a good note, Lucy is home tomorrow!! I am soooo excited to see her. Plus I don't have to work! I just hope its nice outside again. I also got this huge stuffed elephant, Manny, I love him!! He is adorable, he makes me feel better, and he is always there when I want a hug. I know, I'm crazy. And today was so much fun. The sun was actually out! It probably also had to do with the fact that I actually exercised some as well. Seeing him helped a lot as well. I forgot about stuff for a little bit. and I didn't have to go to work.
But now I'm home again and in my room trying to fight off the sadness and tears and loneliness. I'm sure it will happen at some point anyway though. I still can't find works for what I am thinking. Maybe its because I'm in such a good mood. I don't know.