Its been toooooo long!!
A lot has happened, I don't even know what I wrote last time, I don't read over my stuff. Its been interesting, everything from really good to really bad.
I'm having a rough time right now but im trying to stay strong and keep going. I just want to stop, give up and drive home. just, ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
finals, papers, money, weight, gym, food, work, blah!!!!!!
this is my head right now, i know, makes no sense right?
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, Im tired of thinking, of trying to understand. wish things could just be easy. I miss ryan and home and my dogs and my scrapbooking. Im tired of doing this philosophy crap that i don't even care about. im ready to just be done.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
been a while
wow, its been forever since i have been on here. i don't even know where to start. for one thing I'm feeling kinda low and i don't really know why.probably because i just realized tonight that i have gain some weight again :( I'm going to weight myself at work tomorrow, which i haven't done in a while, probably because subconsciously i knew I was gaining weight but didn't want to face the facts. on top of that, I'm starting to worry about me and ryan again. I'm just being paranoid though.Im also super worried about college, i still haven't heard back from rhodes and haven't finished the union app. ugh, and ryans bday is saturday and i haven't gotten him anything yet. humph, so much going through my mind. its gonna be hard to sleep tonight. even after working all day. sometimes i wish i could just start over and like a lot of people I wish I had a time machine to go back and relive parts of my life. but i guess, thats what life is about making mistakes, moving on and up, loving, laughing, crying, regretting, and much more. so tired, just so tired, watching time go by, leaving me behind.
Monday, April 2, 2012
where to start
things have been crazy lately. I don't even know where to start. I really should be studying for my accounting test tomorrow but i can't focus or even think right now. Im hoping writing will help me feel better. the last two weeks have been tough. I go up and down, up and down. dads been in and out of cumberland heights for his alcohol/drug problem and, well, i am honestly tired of dealing with that. I grew up dealing with it, trying to get him to stop, to many nights crying and worrying. I know this sounds bad but I had to get that out. i feel like i have done all i can do to help him. I love him and want him to be happy and get better but, idk can't do it anymore, its all up to him.
gregory is growing up. he has a truck, just no license plate and crap. he loves his new "freedom". I just hope he is being careful and would talk to me more. he barely does anymore.
well, as for me, its hard to explain. I am happy with where I'm at and sometimes not so much. I just wish I could find that happy medium. wish I weren't so attached to ryan. he doesn't even understand how much he matters to me. and i feel/know he doesn't feel as attached to me.
I miss home and am ready to move back for summer break. I'm so tired at failing at everything i do here at rhodes, I'm not smart enough to be here. I'm to lazy and dumb. i give up to easily. I'm tired of always worrying about papers and tests, its always one or the other.
I wish I wouldn't eat so much and exercise more. I'm so tired of this, I'm over it. it will never go away and i need to just accept that.
im tired of feeling so alone when I'm not. i have ryan and my mom. i shouldn't feel that way. guess its cause they don't really understand what I'm feeling. I don't really talk to them about what exactly I'm feeling, so how could they even begin to understand?
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats all i feel like right now. just so over it all. I'm so frustrated with myself. i need to stop being so jealous and lazy and stupid and dependent.
ugh, i just want someone to talk to and to understand without being embarrassed or feel like I'm being judged.
wish i could talk to ryan
wish i could talk about or explain what i have been feeling lately.
i just want to cry
gregory is growing up. he has a truck, just no license plate and crap. he loves his new "freedom". I just hope he is being careful and would talk to me more. he barely does anymore.
well, as for me, its hard to explain. I am happy with where I'm at and sometimes not so much. I just wish I could find that happy medium. wish I weren't so attached to ryan. he doesn't even understand how much he matters to me. and i feel/know he doesn't feel as attached to me.
I miss home and am ready to move back for summer break. I'm so tired at failing at everything i do here at rhodes, I'm not smart enough to be here. I'm to lazy and dumb. i give up to easily. I'm tired of always worrying about papers and tests, its always one or the other.
I wish I wouldn't eat so much and exercise more. I'm so tired of this, I'm over it. it will never go away and i need to just accept that.
im tired of feeling so alone when I'm not. i have ryan and my mom. i shouldn't feel that way. guess its cause they don't really understand what I'm feeling. I don't really talk to them about what exactly I'm feeling, so how could they even begin to understand?
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats all i feel like right now. just so over it all. I'm so frustrated with myself. i need to stop being so jealous and lazy and stupid and dependent.
ugh, i just want someone to talk to and to understand without being embarrassed or feel like I'm being judged.
wish i could talk to ryan
wish i could talk about or explain what i have been feeling lately.
i just want to cry
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I'm still alive!!
"Being in Love is a very strange thing. Your thoughts constantly drift towards this other person, no matter what you're doing. You could be reaching for a glass in the cupboard or brushing your teeth or listening to someone tell a story, and your mind will just start drifting towards their face, their hair, the way they smell, wondering what they'll wear, and what they'll say next time they see you. And on top of the constant dream state you're in, your stomach feels like it;s connected to a bungee cord, and it bounces and bounces around for hours until it finally lodges itself next to your heart."
The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore
ok well, where to start lol. christmas break was great but wish it was longer. my dad isn't doing the best but he is trying which is better than nothing. I just don't know what to do to help or say, it never seems to help or work. I'm so proud of him for trying to fix this and wish I could help him more but all i can do is encourage him which is still hard.
I finally saw my grandmother. she is doing ok but nothing like her old self and I'm afraid she never will be again. it hurts me to see her hobble around. plus, misty, her dog is at the end of her life. it even pains me to see misty in so much pain, i can barely pet her anymore. she has lumps and bumps and is losing her fur, she can barely get around. grandma walks with a bad limp and doesn't have much energy anymore. she stopped coloring her hair and now its just flat and gray. but she is in good spirits which is all I ask for. Im gonna have to try to stop by more often and see her. i just hate to see how old she has gotten and i guess, she just doesn't seem to be the same ole grandma i used to know and idk, somehow it hurts me to see that.
mom and gregory are doing fine. both wrapped up in rugby. gregory is spoiled and thinks he is invincible, which in my opinion is not a good thing. but i still get caught up in thinking that everyone likes him best and he turned out better than i did and isn't such a screw up as me. people see him and think perfect, he has the grades (kinda), the looks, the attitude (sorta), and has no "past" issues. so yes, sometimes I'm jealous of him. but ill get over it.
as for ryan, well, he is amazing. i hate ever having to leave his side for any reason. I love every minute i spend with him and hope he feels the same. I just wish i could be a better person to him and treat him better. he deserves way better than me and i thank God for giving him me, I'm so lucky to have him. and i want to hit myself every time i think this but, sometimes i wonder if he just likes me for my looks and not me. idk, i guess i don't understand how he could love someone like me who has so many issues and isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I hate myself for thinking that but just had to get it out. and i can't help but feel like I'm losing him. over the last couple of weeks the feeling has increased and it tears me apart inside to think that i could lose him. I'm probably just going crazy. now all i do is over analysis everything.
as for the new year, well, i have a feeling it will be interesting. i haven't really made a set list of goals for this year but i guess thats what I'm gonna do right here and now:
1) get back to running!
2) do better in school
3) improve myself- change the things i see that are wrong in myself, things that have been pointed out as flaws in myself
4) not be so serious all the time
5) have fun!!!!!!!
as for Christmas, it was good. got to much, like always. hopefully one year my mom will listen to me and not get me anything. idk, it just didn't feel like Christmas this year. i feel like cindy lou who from the grinch.
I finally got some time to read again!!! and i love it!!! i just hope i get to keep it up this semester. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed it.
ok, time for random thoughts.
i can't help but to think/feel that i am holding RA back and i hate that.
i see my faults and flaws and hate them and myself for it...
but at the same time i see how far i have come and am proud of myself, sorta
ok well i better stop before i get into one of my "moods"
be back eventually
The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore
ok well, where to start lol. christmas break was great but wish it was longer. my dad isn't doing the best but he is trying which is better than nothing. I just don't know what to do to help or say, it never seems to help or work. I'm so proud of him for trying to fix this and wish I could help him more but all i can do is encourage him which is still hard.
I finally saw my grandmother. she is doing ok but nothing like her old self and I'm afraid she never will be again. it hurts me to see her hobble around. plus, misty, her dog is at the end of her life. it even pains me to see misty in so much pain, i can barely pet her anymore. she has lumps and bumps and is losing her fur, she can barely get around. grandma walks with a bad limp and doesn't have much energy anymore. she stopped coloring her hair and now its just flat and gray. but she is in good spirits which is all I ask for. Im gonna have to try to stop by more often and see her. i just hate to see how old she has gotten and i guess, she just doesn't seem to be the same ole grandma i used to know and idk, somehow it hurts me to see that.
mom and gregory are doing fine. both wrapped up in rugby. gregory is spoiled and thinks he is invincible, which in my opinion is not a good thing. but i still get caught up in thinking that everyone likes him best and he turned out better than i did and isn't such a screw up as me. people see him and think perfect, he has the grades (kinda), the looks, the attitude (sorta), and has no "past" issues. so yes, sometimes I'm jealous of him. but ill get over it.
as for ryan, well, he is amazing. i hate ever having to leave his side for any reason. I love every minute i spend with him and hope he feels the same. I just wish i could be a better person to him and treat him better. he deserves way better than me and i thank God for giving him me, I'm so lucky to have him. and i want to hit myself every time i think this but, sometimes i wonder if he just likes me for my looks and not me. idk, i guess i don't understand how he could love someone like me who has so many issues and isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I hate myself for thinking that but just had to get it out. and i can't help but feel like I'm losing him. over the last couple of weeks the feeling has increased and it tears me apart inside to think that i could lose him. I'm probably just going crazy. now all i do is over analysis everything.
as for the new year, well, i have a feeling it will be interesting. i haven't really made a set list of goals for this year but i guess thats what I'm gonna do right here and now:
1) get back to running!
2) do better in school
3) improve myself- change the things i see that are wrong in myself, things that have been pointed out as flaws in myself
4) not be so serious all the time
5) have fun!!!!!!!
as for Christmas, it was good. got to much, like always. hopefully one year my mom will listen to me and not get me anything. idk, it just didn't feel like Christmas this year. i feel like cindy lou who from the grinch.
I finally got some time to read again!!! and i love it!!! i just hope i get to keep it up this semester. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed it.
ok, time for random thoughts.
i can't help but to think/feel that i am holding RA back and i hate that.
i see my faults and flaws and hate them and myself for it...
but at the same time i see how far i have come and am proud of myself, sorta
ok well i better stop before i get into one of my "moods"
be back eventually
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