What I do during my writing class

wandering around,

not knowing where to go,

what to do.

Lost in a world of motion

I'm just standing still

watching it all go by

lost in my mind of indecision

trying to figure out where I went wrong

where things got lost

trying to hold on to my last pieces of hope

to my remaining happiness

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sitting still

watching tv

this, is my mind

his arm around me,

hearing the steady beat of his heart,

knowing that I am safe,

peaceful at the moment of time

loving him.

the silence is it,

the tv in the background,

this is my mind

my momentary happiness.

then my return to the darkness once he is gone,

it is eminent,

no way to escape it.

my only hope is him

What now?

I give up. I don't know what the point is anymore. I don't belong anywhere. Especially at Rhodes. I can't make myself do my work, I can't make myself exercise, I can't even try to make myself be happy. I sleep but when I wake up in the morning I feel like I haven't slept in days, even when I go home and sleep in my own bed. I'm endlessly tired. I can't keep caught up on my reading and papers and videos and studying. I can't do anything right with my eating and weight, just keep getting fatter. I just feel miserable right now. I just want to go home and never come back here again. Honestly, I haven't learned anything so far or anything very useful to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Yeah mom said I could just call but I don't feel like she could help very much. Yeah RA is there but I like to talk to him face to face or by this but he won't read it anymore. And I don't want to ruin the two days we get together by blabbing about my problems and its not like he will believe half of what I say. Can't talk to dad because he is either drunk or tries to relate it to something from his past or tries to get all religious (which I'm not even sure if he even believes in God). Gregory is just to young and I don't want to let all this out on him, it would be to much for him. Jessika, well, she would make it about her.
another thing that has been on my mind is RA and his other girl-friends. How often does he talk to her? does he think about her a lot? does he still have feelings for her? but at the same time I know he wouldn't hurt me. its just me getting jealous. and what about Cassidy? what other girls does he talk to? what other girls flirt with him? I don't want to lose him or be hurt again. I'm just being jealous, I need to get over it.
What about grandma? I'm so worried about her. at the same time I can't even stand to be in the same room as her, to see her falling apart like that. She doesn't deserve all of this.
As for mom, I don't know. I'm worried about her as well. Her blood pressure has been bad and she is always worried about me and dad is always stressing her out even more.
I'm just feed up, I really am. I'm tired up trying to be happy and trying to do this college work that I just can't keep up with. I'm tried up trying to make myself feel happy when deep down I'm not. The only time when I get back to happiness is Friday nights with him. Because then I know I can see him Saturday but then saturday night I'm thinking its my last night with him for a week and Sunday is just shadowed with the fact that I have to leave again. But I'd rather come home every weekend then stay here because then I would just be totally hopeless. I like to go back to familiar surroundings, back to where I know I don't have to act happy all the time, back to the less stressful life. I don't know, I'm just lazy, I'm a lazy worthless girl.
Well I got to go be a tazi for three other girls and I'm almost out of gas. story of my life.

Wish I could curl up in bed and cry for hours but I can't cause roommate is here.

Well here I go again, end of the day downing. I ate, thats why I do this. I was doing fine, I worked out for 50 mins and burned 550 calories but then I come back and I eat more, so I just canceled all that work. Why do I do this to myself?! I don't even want to know how many calories I just ate. I had 2 boca burgers again with a steamer veggie thingy. it was good but to much!
I miss RA a lot, its driving me crazy, I know, Im obsessed and its probably freaking him out a little. I hope he is ok though because lately it seems like something is wrong or he is upset or something, idk. He says he is fine but he doesn't seem happy. Idk, its probably me annoying the heck out of him. I'm trying to stop bothering him with my issues but its hard. Plus he keeps thinking that I'm going to leave him or cheat on him, well, I would kill myself before I would do that. I wish he would just have faith in me and trust me. I wish he knew how much Ive thought about him leaving me or cheating on me. Its always there but i push it away saying he loves me and he wouldn't do that, just like Im not gonna do to him. Idk, its frustrating sometimes.
I miss home, as in nashville, where I can just go walk or go drive. I miss having him there to talk to or just to hold me when I need it. I miss being there for him. I miss the dogs at the clinic. I miss the creek. I miss the lazy days. I miss the pizza nights with RA. I haven't had pizza in two weeks, its sad, I can't even eat it without him anymore.
As for college, I constantly feel like im on a temporary trip away from home. I never feel comfortable here, it sucks and its starting to happen when i go home to.
Ok well i need a shower and then to get back to work. see ya

I'm holding on

Well, right as I get caught up on my work I get slammed again. I just got done reading 26 bible verses, which was horrible. I still have 51 pages in my english book due friday along with a paragraph response, 94 pages in my lit book due friday as well, a whole book to read and write a paper on due Monday.
As for today, not the best but not the worst. I had three classes, wrote a 1-1/2 page paper and did my reading for tomorrow's class. I cleaned Bobo's tank (which is now spotless), I think that made him very happy. And of course I ate like a pig, it all adding up to 1,200 calories :'( I had a yogurt at 8:30, then at 11:15 I had two huge bowls of cereal, then I just ate two boca burgers (w/o the buns), a bunch of peanut butter and some carrots. Way to much!!!! The sad thing is I really want to go get some dessert out of the vending machine. Its so tempting but I know I cant and would hate myself later for it. So that is a no go for me tonight. I'll just suffer, its gonna happen either way.
I just want  to go home!! I look at my wall and tears come to my eyes, I miss him so much (and its only been barely two days since I left him). I go outside and I want to cry because Im not home, I love this weather, its my favorite  but I can't enjoy it with him or Lucy. I can't just go walking around down here unless I want to get raped or killed. Maybe that wouldn't be to bad.
I wander will I will ever feel at home again. I get it temporarily when I with him for those precious hours but then its gone. I feel so seperated from things way out here, alone, well not completely i still have him to talk to. I just can't seem to get over the fact that I'm not gonna see him every day and its killing me. I need to get over myself, everything doesn't revolve around me, the world moves on wether im there or not. I simply want/wish to be there but can't. I can't be there when he gets hurt, I can't be there when he is down, I can't be there when he is confused, excited, happy, tired. I have to watch from the sidelines. He was/is my life, now its boring and the days of the week just go by without a pause. Full of reading, sleeping, not sleeping, sitting in class, eating, feeling down, not smiling, waiting for friday night to come. Then the weekend does come and its gone again, I spend half of it waiting to see him, knowing he is within sight or mins away but i can't see him or be next to him, its killer.
And I know he is having a good time while Im gone. He may try to hide it but i see through it. plus its his senior year. its only a matter of time before he finds someone better then me. He has some of my favorite teachers which also brings back memories, good and bad. like i told him, carrots, tea, and 93 lbs. but along with that goes soooo much more. theres puppy lucy, fall and winter, fruit, running, thin thin thin thin, calorie counting, bugs,heart rate, cold all the time, hospital, football, baseball,rumors, trotter, snakes and taylor, 100 Oaks, shopping, food network channel, broccoli, anger, happiness, hurt hurt hurt. All of this and probably more consisited of my Junior Year of high school. I look back on it with regret and sadness, with wonder and amazement, with happiness and the feel of great accomplishment. I am proud of the things I overcame, ashamed of the things I did, glad of the friendships ended and the new ones, regrettful that I let people tell me what to do which lead to my unhappiness that could've been avoided. I start to think sometimes what would've happened if I had found the right people to talk to if things would've gone easier. sometimes i wonder if matt had acted differently, like actually came to see me at vandy, actually told me that I wasn't being healthy instead of encouraging it. what if jessika had shown more worry and not all smiles, what if she had said something sooner as well. so many what-ifs run through my head.
so, in sum, kinda, yes Im extremely happy with where Im at but at the same time i wish i was still that 93 lbs, If i could just have the weight with the people I have now, that would be perfect.
ok well, i gots a lot of reading to do so i better get on that. RA, I love you soooooo much and thank you for being there for me and putting up with my crap, I wouldn't be here without you. I hope i never lose you. as for the rest of the night, I can't tell you how it will go.
bye for now

“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”      roy croft

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”     

Robert Heinlein

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.

 

“Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”
—Baby (Jennifer Grey) to Johnny (Patrick Swayze).


Well, Im confused on how I feel right now. I freaking bipolar! Bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts bad thoughts. ugh but im not gonna do anything. but why, oh why am I thinking even worse thoughts then normal. not good not good not good. UGH!!!!
Then the weather is extremely nice down here but he isn't here so that cancels that out.
I miss him soooooo much, it sucks.
then im f*&$ing fat and a pig. ugh, im getting a headache with all this thinking.
I want to be with him so bad.
well, Im gonna go.

 

 

well, Im tired and don't really know what I feel like right now or how to explain it at least. I know that I hate myself, I'm fat, worthless, and ugly. I feel like I need some sort of punishment for being such a pig and being so lazy. I'm just so tired all the time and its so hot. I know all I do is whine whine whine. I feel so bipolar sometimes (and no its not that time of month). I start out fine and as the day progresses I get worse (probably cause I cant stop eating!!) and its not that I eat a lot its just I sit here all day freaking reading and my fat ass doesn't get exercise. I know why don't i go walk or exercise or something, well i say to myself, you have to much to do, its to hot, your exhausted, blah blah blah. see how screwed up I am. It might help if i could remember to take my meds everyday, like that would help, ha!
I just feel like walking out in front of a bus right now. Ah, crap and i just remembered something i was supposed to do for by midnight tonight, crap crap crap, f&%# my life!!!!!
I tried to take pics this afternoon but I couldn't even do that properly, see for yourself.
Rhodes

Ugh!!!!!!!

I want to go home, I miss him soooooooo much!!