days keep going by

well, its october and it feels like it came out of nowhere. things have been up and down, as usual. I have all c's on my midterm grades. hopefully i can pull them up some, idk, i have almost given up. I have finally lost a little weight, nothing big. I went shopping, alone, today, got some new jeans and a couple shirts. I really wanted a pair of boots but I couldn't find any that I liked or could try on. I just couldn't sit in my dorm any more, I had to get out. I just hope I can bring myself to wear the stuff i bought, or that I don't gain the weight back. I hope I lose more, but I doubt that will happen. RA is doing good. I love him sooo much. I don't know what I would do without him. I may not be right/sure/happy with everything in my life but I am glad I have him and I couldn't ask for any better.
dad is doing ok, wish he at least try to go get another job. he just does stuff around the house all day. well, I'm glad he has got lucy to keep him semi sane.
neither mike or I have heard from mom or gregory, which kinda worries me. I hope everything is going ok down there, plus I need to ask a favor of them. I wish I could be there.
well, time to go have my afternoon boredom and downhill crash.

day started out good but ended/ending badly. Im exhausted, tired of studying, want to just lay down and watch a movie, read for fun, not have to go to class, go home, lose weight cause I'm getting fatter. Im tired at failing everything. I wish i could go on the mexico mission trip but i can't because i have a midterm and classes. we don't even get a full week for fall break or thanksgiving. Im tired mentally more than i am physically. RA has the shingles and I hate to see him in so much pain. I wish i could help him, i just feel useless/worthless, i can't do anything for him. like right now, he is low, really low and i can't do anything about it way out here in memphis. he is saying its cause he is trying to quit the pain pills cold turkey like he is getting addicted to them :( I don't know what to do now. I'm even more worried about him now. this is killing me!! plus i have a midterm tomorrow and another friday.
i feel like RA doesn't tell me anything anymore, like i don't matter as much to him.
i wish there was something that could just take all this away. the anxiety, the exhaustion, the worry, the sadness, the frustration. i want it all gone or to feel more, idk. I'm not making any sense.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost without him, without home. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm useless and fat. I can't get a grade any better than a c- in college. Which doesn't help to make me want to study for midterms this week, doesn't make me want to do any work at all. Bad thoughts, thats all thats running through my mind. I want to not eat, i want to go workout, I'm tired, I have work to do, blah blah blah. whats the point when it won't be good enough. plus i don't get to go on the mission trip this year and it would be perfect to do my next paper on but i have stupid midterms!! I miss going soooooo much!! I need a break from college and i only get two days for fall break. This sucks!!

tired

im tired, continually tired. so much is going on and i can't keep up. i wish i could slow down. i shouldn't have taken that nap today. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY!!!!