I haven't written in a while but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. guess im finally doing it right now, or trying to. A lot is going on right now and I feel like I'm slowing slipping back into the hole, unfortunately :/
A lot has been on my mind recently and I'm not even sure why. maybe its because I've been spending so much time alone recently or I feel like I have. Haven't technically been by myself for a decent amount of time for about two weeks which is weird for me. I love my alone time, thats why I'm gonna try to get a single next year and just deal with a hall bathroom.
I've realized that I can be fickle sometimes and really not make any sense. People who don't know me might think I'm bipolar or something.
The main thing on my mind recently has been my body image. If you have been reading sense I started this blog you know that I battled/battle with an eating disorder and had anorexia. I'm still eating but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't analyze everything I eat and pester myself about going to the gym. Most of the time I can just ignore it now, thats what I have learned to do over the years. but some days can get pretty bad still.
See, sometimes I wish I were not as good looking as I supposedly am because of all the attention but at the same time I strive to be as pretty as all the other girls I see everywhere. When I look at myself all i see is flaws, everywhere. But at the same time I am so screwed up because at this point I know how the world sees me I just don't see it in me. so I guess I am constantly trying to become what people think i already am. Idk if that makes any sense at all but I tried.
As for the other stuff I think about...well its a lot. Starting with my dad and all his strengths and weaknesses. He still drinks but not as much as he has or was last year. But I still get upset when he does drink, so upset that I don't even want to be in the same house with him. One time I was staying with him at grandma's in Humboldt for the weekend and at 8:30pm on Saturday night I got so upset that I just up and left and drove to Martin to be with Ryan. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, it just kills me that after everything he still drinks. Just sometimes I think he doesn't really want to stop cause he has been struggling with this all my life.
I also think about school and all the work I have left to do and sometimes I feel like just giving up but others I just want to keep fighting and prove that I am capable.
Well, I ran out of words for tonight, theres plenty more to say, I just don't know how to put it into sentences tonight. Till next time <3
