Days Go By, I can Feel em' Flying Like a Hand Out the Window in the Wind

Well, the summer has had its ups and downs, mostly ups. Now I feel a big down coming, I have been fighting it for a couple days but I don't know how much longer I can make it. The worst part is that it makes me eat even more, which doesn't help any at all and makes me feel worse. This morning was one of the worst eating wise, 2 100 calorie packs, 1 cliff bar, and 2 packs of powdered doughnuts :( I am sooooo scared that I am going to go back to the bingeing. I was feeling so good about myself and I was having an amazing summer. Why must this always ruin it?
The summer is going by sooo fast, its almost July aready!! I have a feeling its gonna start getting crazy again, but I don't mind, I'll eat like a normal person then. I feel like my days are numbered, especially with him. I can't even find words to describe how much I care about him and how much he matters to me. Love You RA!! Hopefully I can make the best of the time that I have left in nashville.

FML!!!!!

Hello again!!!

wow, its been a while since I have been on. A lot has happened. both good and bad, but more good. I have an amazing new boyfriend, who I wouldn't survive without. I think that maybe I have lost some weight and I'm not having as many or as bad of the ups and downs. Its more of the ups and a lot of tiredness ( lots of bad sleep and work). I am soooooo happy right now, or mostly, or happier than I've been in a while. A lot of it is due to RA. As long as I am talking to him or with him, I forget most of the bad and I have a great time. He thinks he loves me more, but I'm not so sure about that. Sometimes all I can think about is beng with him at the end of the day or at least at some point. It gets so bad that I just want to curl up with him and never let go. I wish I could be the beautiful amazing girl that he thinks I am, cause he deserves that.
On to the bad, my dad is getting worse. More so with the drinking, even on vacation with RA there he still did it. He openly drinks in front of us and my grandmother now. Now its to where I get mad and upset with him just because he has been drinking, and its not the way he is acting that does it. Just the fact that he did.
My grandmother is doing better and worse, if that is possible. Her hair has grown back, she is back at her own house, but at the same time I see the pain in her face everyday and she still gets sick some days. It breaks my heart.
I also had to get glasses. Enough said there.
Ummmm, I guess thats the main stuff, so yeah, bye for now.

annoying

I wish sleep would come and save me before I lose it completely. The thoughts and memories from the past are fighting to get center stage in my mind. The later it gets into the night, the more attention those thoughts get. its taking everything in me right now to not get up and go to the top draw of my desk and do the deed. I'm barely able to keep from crying, but I'm making it.                                                                                                                                Well, frankly, I'm tired of the up and downs of my emotions and mind. I will have an amazing guy but somehow it will get ruined by bedtime. Right now all I can think about is memories and what once was. Not so much of what I am now but more of pain over what I have lost. I just have to remember that I have also gained some things as well.  I have gained an amazing guy, the knowledge of who my true friends are, knowing that appearance isn't everything (even though it still bothers me), and the importance of being yourself. I have lost complete happiness (that is, w/o the voice saying you're fat all the time), I've lost some friends, I lost myself, I have lost people's trust, I lost my confidence and drive, and I lost some of my faith. So, see, there are pros and cons, the question is..... which side will win?                                                                                                                                                   This past week has been the best week for me all year almost. I don't remember being so happy in a long time. I thank you RA for sticking with me through all my crap and bipolarness lol. I enjoy every minute with you.  You are the only one who has come anywhere close to understanding me and my issues. See I even forgot all about ED for a the time it took me to type that. You have no idea how much you help me everyday. I love you!!!!!!!                But the minute I log off I will return to battle, my only hope is for sleep to come......