Today started out good, then went down from there. I'm tired, more of mentally then physically. I never thought I would hate reading but that is coming true right about now. This is really getting to me, but I'm not surprised, I knew I wouldn't do good. It was just a matter of when I would start going down.  Which reminds me that I need to take my medicine, ugh. Hopefully it won't make me sick again. Or maybe that would be a good thing and I would actually throw up all this food.
I don't think that I'm going to try to do anymore reading for today, I have everything done for my morning classes. Thats all that matters now. I can do the rest on my 3 hour break. Then after that class I have to write another paper and I am going to do it before 8:00pm.
My workout today was killer, I am so out of shape but its so hard to find the time and energy to do it everyday.
So I just took a shower and I feel even worse. My stomach is being fickle and I just plain feel ugh. I just can't seem to be happy and I kinda feel a headache coming on :(
I wish she would just leave me alone for a few mins, I really just need some quite right now, I feel like I can't think with all the chatting she is doing. There is only so much I can take. But at the same time I like her and I would prefer to have her over most anyone else.
Ok, I really miss him. Esp. right now, I want his arms around me and for him just to be next to me, maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad right now. Ok, gotta go bout to start crying, not good, she is still in here.

ugh

Today went by fast, which is good and bad. Good because it wasn't to boring, bad because I still haven't written my Life paper and it is due at 8am tomorrow and I am still trying to get through the reading. This books is one of the hardest I've read so far. I have to go so much slower to try to comprehend what is being said. And it is really frustrating me to no end.
I feel the bags under my eyes forming again and I haven't done anything to need them. The bad part is that I have to stay up later tonight to do the paper which I have a feeling is going to be really hard. I don't like talking about religion at all, I prefer keeping it to myself.
As for everything else, well, it's there lol. I am keeping up decently with all my other classes except for one but I'm not lost. Its kinda like a review for me since I took AP US history. I really don't think that I am going to do so well my first semester. I am no where near as smart as I need to be.
As for my mental well being, not so great either. I've just been trying to keep my mind busy, so I don't think about my weight, my stupidity, my laziness, missing home, worrying about him. It's a struggle sometimes. I hate to see one thing after another happen to him, I wish it were me instead of him. I wish I could stick to my plans, thats what really bothers me. If I could actually do my homework, if I could actually workout, if I could actually stop eating, I would be a fairly happy person. To be completely happy I would have to be with RA.
I'm so tired of everything, of trying. Why am I here (as in college)?
Also, I find myself thinking of my future. A)What will I be doing? B)Where will I live? C)Will I get married? D)Will I have children? E)Will I be with him still? Most of the time when I think about the answers if I had a say in them would make me happier then ever. My preffered answer for C would be yes and for E yes. (I know I'm freaking you out RA) As for A, B, and D, whatever makes him happy, cause as long as he is I will be. Again, this would be my dream world, which isn't going to happen.
Well, I gotta go and get this paper done, I could keep writing but I have got to stop.

What is wrong with me??

well, hmmm
Don't know how to put my thoughts into words. Maybe cause I'm not sure myself. So many thoughts going through my head.
Well I know I hate having to be away from him. I can't be happy when he isn't near. He makes everything go away. Friday night was one of the worst nights ever. I was home but not with him, then I feel extremely guilty because I didn't go to the game which they won and he also hurt himself in and lost his voice, I was exhausted, I was/am fat, I felt alone, I felt useless, and the question of 'why am I here?' kept going through my head. I meant it in the sense of why was I home, no one wanted me there---why am I going to Rhodes, there's no point, I'm not smart enough or know what I'm doing, I don't fit in---why am I on this earth, I don't do anything worth while, I'm just there wasting space and air and food. All night was what's the point of me existing and I began to think dangerous thoughts. I wasn't wanted anywhere, or at least bad enough.
and recently I haven't been making good plans about my eating. which isn't a bad thing to me. maybe I will lose some of this fat I have everywhere. Hopefully I can make myself workout more too.
Well, I'm scared to. that I'm going to lose him. He is going to find someone so much better then me. someone that actually deserves him. He is so amazing and perfect to me, I know it sounds cheesy.
I wish I would be the one to get hurt, not him, cause he doesn't deserve it and I hate to see it happen to him and I feel so useless b/c I can't do anything about it.
I feel so left out as well, like I don't belong anywhere now. I feel like if I just left no one would know. Like, idk, no one needs me. I go back and I just feel in the way, so maybe I won't go back as often. Esp. to work, I'm really not wanted there.
As for college, not the best thing in the world. don't know what else to say about it.
well time for me to go get depressed again, right as I was feeling better after going home. Let the week in hell begin.

I F$%^ING HATE MY LIFE!!!!

Well

I don't really know what I have to say, just kinda got on here. I should be working on college stuff, I still have a good bit of reading to do. I have also accomplished a lot today as well. I read about 70 pages of So Red The Rose, I have read my stuff for writing class and done my response on Moodle for Oral History. All I have left are about 15 pages in Living Folklore and a chapter in my history txtbook. It doesn't sound like a lot but it really is. What sucks is that I'm gonna get all this done then have more slammed on me tomorrow again. At the same time I have learned a lot already and I have enjoyed some of the reading but it leaves no time for other stuff. What's weird is that I am really tired but I have done nothing all day but sit on my fat ass and read. I swear I have got to find a way to workout everyday and stop being lazy.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now, there is so much going through my head, and I'm not sure if it is even stress that I am feeling. Like I said, I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling.
I'm tired, I miss his voice, depressed kinda, I miss all the dogs back home, sad, I'm scared, I miss him like crazy, I'm mad at myself, I miss 93 pounds, I miss having control, I feel numb almost, I wanta cry, I feel worthless, I feel lazy, I feel upset for some reason,I miss smiling all the time, and most of............all I miss being in his arms being with him every second that I could.
Whats even worse is that I am thinking about finding another therapist here at Rhodes or somewhere around here. I know, its horrible but I feel that bad now. RA, its not like you don't help at all, you do A LOT!!!! Honestly if it weren't for you I would probably be in big trouble right now. Its just, I don't know. I guess I'll give it a few days and if I still feel like this I will do something about it.
I feel like tomorrow is going to be a mess and I just hope I can handle it. Its just, the "bad thoughts" are coming back. I'm doing everything in my power to keep them away though.
As for Kate, my roommate, sometimes I love her and sometimes I hate her. She talks a lot and she is very organized. She stays up late, which is ok with me most of the time except for when she freaking talks to me till 12am and takes a long shower. She is good to go shopping with and workout with and stuff like that, its just when she talks forever.
Ah Bobo, what to say about him lol. I Love Him!! He is my buddy, he comes and looks at me whenever I'm at my desk.  I am slowing learning all his little habits, if thats even possible for a fish.
Well I feel a good bit better now. Guess thats good lol.
RA I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok my previous blog was exaggerated a little, I was just mad at myself

hmmmm

Well, let's just say that it has been interesting so far. I have had my ups and downs but mostly downs. It's been hard, esp. without him here. You don't realize how much having someone a few minutes away and having them 3 hours away can make a difference. And a big one at that. I usually run to him when I need to but out here, I can't and that is a bit of a problem for me. I will just have to learn how to work with what I have. Like right now, so many things running through my head. I want to eat something, I want to do something(cough cough), I want to excercise, I want to cry, I want to run home, I want to scream, and did I mention I still want to eat more even though I'm full from a few minutes ago? Yes, I am aware of my craziness. I feel like I'm losing it again after all this hard work and I'm so scared of that. The harder I try the worse it gets, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just give up and go die in a hole lol jkjk. but I kinda do feel like that sometimes.
Why is it so hard for me to do this on my own? I must be completely worthless (which I already knew).
Sissors sound like a good idea right now. bye for now

Well where to begin? and what to say?
first off, im not the happiest about college so far. to much happiness and talking for me. i need my alone time please. so im skipping most off the planned stuff for welcome week. its prob part of what has kept me sane these past few days. it has been way harder then i thought it would be to be so far from him.
so now he thinks that I dont want him anymore or something, idk. but its killing me to  see this happening. I dont want to lose him for anything. i just wish he could see that but I cant seem to get him to believe that.
i just, idk, its hard right now. im lost really, i cant seem to do anything right or say anything right, nothing helps. Im not gonna cheat or leave him, just wish he could get that.
RA you're my world and please don't let go.

Ok I hate football right now. It means less time with him :(

I don't know what else to do

I do everything in my power to show him that I don't have feelings for Matt anymore. And I thought that my messages on FB would prove that, guess not, they did the opposite. I wasn't on FB last night, I got on for a sec cause jessika commented on my status and I was looking at that, then I got off and got on craigslist for like 5 mins and then feel asleep.
Guess I screwed up again and it feels like there isn't any fixing it now. Cause now I know he doesn't believe and trust me and never will, no matter what I do. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this last summer. But as always I have to go and screw it up. I love him with all my heart and soul, I can't even express how much I love him, but it will never be good enough.
I love you RA, sooooo much. If you don't want me anymore ok, I sorta understand. I don't want anyone but you.

It's gonna be a long night

Well not the best day ever. Work was actually decent, thanks to Shelia coming back and the new puppies. The dentist was ok. I was already worried about RA but now I'm even more worried. I don't think football is a good idea for him, he is always getting hurt, is always sore, and extremely tired all the time. Then I had to go and make things even worse. I have now realized the horrible person that I am. I lie and am lazy and worthless and fat. I have let everything go, my school work, my room, and my ability to be a decent person. I can't even get myself to work out any more all I do is sit on my fat ass. The 130 lbs of me. I have gained 35 pounds since this time last summer. :( My room is always a mess cause I don't want to put stuff up where it belongs. I lie and am selfish. If I hadn't lied and been selfish I wouldn't be where I am right now with the person I love. I feel like I'm already losing him, the thought brings tears to my eyes. I now realize I brought it on myself, I learned my lesson, many times over. I'm being a brat about my car, Mike made me realize that, I'm spoiled. I don't even stop to think about others most of the time, except for RA I always put him first.
And whats worse is I actually thought about purposely getting in a wreck and hurting myself. Then I would be out of every one's way and I could punish myself for everything I have done. My world is falling apart just as it was getting perfect. This summer has been the best time of my life, honestly, no joke. He had helped me feel ok about myself and I kinda got back to the old me. I am truly happy when I'm with him. But I screwed it up.

I am fat, it is a fact now. I have lost all control, wish I could never eat again, but my fat ass can't do that. It won't even workout anymore. I'm so tired, but its gonna be hard for me to go to sleep tonight and work is going to be miserable tomorrow. Oh well