Wow,
I can't believe I haven't written anything on here for a while. I have thought about doing it a few times since my last post but just never did it for some reason. A lot has been going on in my life and I am just trying to keep up and adjust.
The new job isn't so new anymore. I have learned a lot and still am. The work environment is really good and most of the people I work with are really nice and easy to be around. Sadly, this isn't a job I see myself being in for years. It's not what I want to do with my life. I still would like to get my masters or even get an accounting or tax job that I enjoy. I struggle a lot with having set hours that I have to work. That's why I have seriously contemplated trying to run my own business. For now I will just see what the future brings.
RA graduates next week and DD comes home from his first year. It seems like the end to another chapter of my life. It will be interesting/ hard to adjust to RA being home for good. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that he is coming home and I don't have to drive three hours in order to see him. I just feel like it will be hard to drive back and forth from his house. He wants to go to the gym with me but I will be so worn out by the time the workout is done and we eat that it will be hard to make myself go home and shower. It would be a lot easier if we could get our own place. I am more than ready to do that but RA isn't. Well, he wants to but I feel like we need to wait and see where his career takes him. Thats another thing that makes me anxious. I will go with him wherever his job takes him I just don't want to regret leaving where I am at too soon. Like I said I don't see myself there for a long time but I haven't even been there a year and they are training me to be a backup and I have daily responsibilities. I guess it's more of the fact that I would have to tell them that I'm leaving. I don't have a problem losing the job, I just don't want to have to have that conversation with them and then have to continue to work there until I leave. Again, we will see what the future brings.
Everything else in my life is constantly changing I feel like. Many ups and downs, its not even worth going through it all. Let me just say its not always been easy emotionally. I still fight that internal battle every day. I workout at least four days a week and try to eat right. My downfalls are the weekends. Some days I feel like I am handling it better and some I feel like I'm at the bottom of it all again. Some days I honestly wonder what I am struggling for anymore. That what I am fighting is not even attainable. It is even harder when I feel like I have made no progress with anything and that I am in a limbo. Every day brings a new feeling.
We will see what the future brings. Even though I try to plan and be prepared for what life will throw at me, I never see the curve coming.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Well hello,
it's been a while....
Tonight has been a struggle. One of the hardest I've had in a while. So here I am trying to let some of it out before I do something I will regret or upset RA.
Life has been a whirlwind the past few months. Graduation, job search, new job, life occurrences. And of course there is always the internal war within me. I have to admit, I have had a lot of good times this summer. And I have gotten a lot better with things in general and am enjoying life a little more. I don't know what exactly is changing or if its just re-occuring but I feel like I'm going back down again. And, honestly I'm kinda scared about it.
I have been working out for the past 2-3 weeks at least 3 times a week and up to 5 times a week. I have been doing ok with eating healthier. But for some reason today was hard. All I wanted to do was stuff my face. I need a day off from exercise because I'm a little sore. The closer it got to five the more I wanted to go to Logan's to have a real chicken salad. But of course I can't just have a salad. I have to have a roll, peanuts, and fried zucchini fries as well and half a cookie when I got home. It wouldn't have been as bad if I had worked out before it or at all but I have been sitting on my butt all day at work. So not only did I feel extremely full but when I undressed for a shower and looked at myself I was angry and ashamed and frustrated. I wanted to do one of two things that I hadn't done in a long time.
I just can't believe that I still have yet to gain back my self control that I had before all this mess. I'm starting to wonder if I should just give up and try accept the way my head works and that I will never be that way again.
What upsets me sometimes too is that now I feel like I can't even really talk to RA about it cause it upsets him or he is just over it and fed up with my crap. Yes it hurts but how can I blame him? After 4 years of putting up with it who wouldn't be tired of it.
While at the same time I started a new job and am learning all this stuff for this job and trying to do the best I can there and keep a smile on. Some days its hard and some days I just don't want to be there but I make myself stay and work hard. I know that one day I will move up and grow and even get my masters I just need to be patient. Everyone has to start somewhere.
Also, RA went back to school so I am having to readjust to that as well. I don't even want to get into that.
DD went to start his freshman year as well. He seems to really be enjoying it except for one class but we all have that one class that we hate. I a glad that he is doing good so far. I was worried that he wouldn't even go to classes to begin with. So now I am home with mom and so she can focus on my now instead of him but don't get me wrong he is still her baby. She just doesn't like me working out and stuff. And sometimes I just want my space but she is right there and I feel bad if I close my door because of the AC.
Idk, life is just hard right now. I just needed to let some of it out whether or not someone reads this. It helps.
Night.
it's been a while....
Tonight has been a struggle. One of the hardest I've had in a while. So here I am trying to let some of it out before I do something I will regret or upset RA.
Life has been a whirlwind the past few months. Graduation, job search, new job, life occurrences. And of course there is always the internal war within me. I have to admit, I have had a lot of good times this summer. And I have gotten a lot better with things in general and am enjoying life a little more. I don't know what exactly is changing or if its just re-occuring but I feel like I'm going back down again. And, honestly I'm kinda scared about it.
I have been working out for the past 2-3 weeks at least 3 times a week and up to 5 times a week. I have been doing ok with eating healthier. But for some reason today was hard. All I wanted to do was stuff my face. I need a day off from exercise because I'm a little sore. The closer it got to five the more I wanted to go to Logan's to have a real chicken salad. But of course I can't just have a salad. I have to have a roll, peanuts, and fried zucchini fries as well and half a cookie when I got home. It wouldn't have been as bad if I had worked out before it or at all but I have been sitting on my butt all day at work. So not only did I feel extremely full but when I undressed for a shower and looked at myself I was angry and ashamed and frustrated. I wanted to do one of two things that I hadn't done in a long time.
I just can't believe that I still have yet to gain back my self control that I had before all this mess. I'm starting to wonder if I should just give up and try accept the way my head works and that I will never be that way again.
What upsets me sometimes too is that now I feel like I can't even really talk to RA about it cause it upsets him or he is just over it and fed up with my crap. Yes it hurts but how can I blame him? After 4 years of putting up with it who wouldn't be tired of it.
While at the same time I started a new job and am learning all this stuff for this job and trying to do the best I can there and keep a smile on. Some days its hard and some days I just don't want to be there but I make myself stay and work hard. I know that one day I will move up and grow and even get my masters I just need to be patient. Everyone has to start somewhere.
Also, RA went back to school so I am having to readjust to that as well. I don't even want to get into that.
DD went to start his freshman year as well. He seems to really be enjoying it except for one class but we all have that one class that we hate. I a glad that he is doing good so far. I was worried that he wouldn't even go to classes to begin with. So now I am home with mom and so she can focus on my now instead of him but don't get me wrong he is still her baby. She just doesn't like me working out and stuff. And sometimes I just want my space but she is right there and I feel bad if I close my door because of the AC.
Idk, life is just hard right now. I just needed to let some of it out whether or not someone reads this. It helps.
Night.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sooooo, this weekend. Possibly one of the worst I have had in a while. On top of that, it was so yo-yo mood wise. I would go from enjoying myself to deep anxiety. At this point I feel like my life is falling apart. I should have just kept my butt in Memphis for the weekend instead of trying to enjoy myself by leaving. Don't get me wrong I had some fun this weekend it is just REALLY overshadowed by the bad. I had fun at a cookout with friends and a craft fair with my family and some light running with the dog but other than that it wasn't any good.
I am not gonna talk about the worst of it because I don't want to even think about that right now. But my dad started going into withdrawal this morning. I had seem him start withdrawal and have heard about how bad it can be but nothing compares to actually seeing it happen. Dry heaving at least once an hour and uncontrollable shaking. And thats just from what I could see from watching him. This started early this morning and continued until early afternoon when it slowed down. When I left around 4 he couldn't keep water down but had made it out of bed. I am not saying he didn't bring it on himself or that he doesn't deserve it. No matter what I still love him and it still kills me to see him in so much pain and feel so helpless.
Also, my uncle's back gave out this morning while he was visiting us, ended up on the floor for about an hour. It was not fun to watch but I think he is ok now. Just didn't help my mood.
To add to all this, I could not seem to control what I put in my mouth this weekend. Soooo many sweets. If its there, I'm likely to eat it. Its a vicious cycle I go through every week. I'm starting to think I should just give up.
Everything looks hopeless right now.
Everything.
Stuck.
Got to go.
I am not gonna talk about the worst of it because I don't want to even think about that right now. But my dad started going into withdrawal this morning. I had seem him start withdrawal and have heard about how bad it can be but nothing compares to actually seeing it happen. Dry heaving at least once an hour and uncontrollable shaking. And thats just from what I could see from watching him. This started early this morning and continued until early afternoon when it slowed down. When I left around 4 he couldn't keep water down but had made it out of bed. I am not saying he didn't bring it on himself or that he doesn't deserve it. No matter what I still love him and it still kills me to see him in so much pain and feel so helpless.
Also, my uncle's back gave out this morning while he was visiting us, ended up on the floor for about an hour. It was not fun to watch but I think he is ok now. Just didn't help my mood.
To add to all this, I could not seem to control what I put in my mouth this weekend. Soooo many sweets. If its there, I'm likely to eat it. Its a vicious cycle I go through every week. I'm starting to think I should just give up.
Everything looks hopeless right now.
Everything.
Stuck.
Got to go.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
So today has been an overall sucky day, started off bad, ending bad. Just woke up feeling like crap and that feeling never went away. I had a lot of work to do and a test tomorrow but no matter how hard I try my brain will not function properly or concentrate on anything other then how messed up i am and this day. For the first time in a while I had a dream last night that I remember and maybe that threw me off to start with.
I spent almost an hour trying to find something to wear but nothing felt right. I don't look good in anything, I just look in the mirror and see ugliness. What breaks me is that I fight with this everyday and I tell myself you can fix this but it never happens. I do good for a few days but then I fall. Today was just a really bad day. I just feel so helpless and alone. I go from wanting to get in shape the right way to wanting to not eat again but nothing ever happens, Im stuck and its the worst. Its becoming painful. I don't have control over anything anymore. I feel like ive almost slipped back into a depression where all i do or want to do is sit alone or read and not think about life.
This weekend is Valentine's day and I'm excited I think. I finally get to see RA and alone, spend some time with him for the first time in like 3 weeks. I was reading his old blog posts (kinda surprised they are still there) and its amazing how much has changed. In some ways I miss the old him but in others I don't. we have both come so far, im just hoping that he isn't in this relationship just cause he doesn't want to be single or sees me as a prize, idk. this is what I wonder sometimes. But deep down I know that he truly loves me and he is happy with me.
Graduation is also looming and im not sure how i feel about that. it just reminds me that I have nothing in my future, i have accomplished nothing. and at the moment Im not motivated to find something, cause i have come to feel that i am not good enough for anything. Its not for not applying to internships that I don't have one, its that I never hear back from any of them.
I want so much out of life but I can't seem to find happiness in the day to day activities anymore. All I see is the struggle.
no control
no power
no motivation
no freedom
pain
is
all
i
feel...
i just want the release.
I spent almost an hour trying to find something to wear but nothing felt right. I don't look good in anything, I just look in the mirror and see ugliness. What breaks me is that I fight with this everyday and I tell myself you can fix this but it never happens. I do good for a few days but then I fall. Today was just a really bad day. I just feel so helpless and alone. I go from wanting to get in shape the right way to wanting to not eat again but nothing ever happens, Im stuck and its the worst. Its becoming painful. I don't have control over anything anymore. I feel like ive almost slipped back into a depression where all i do or want to do is sit alone or read and not think about life.
This weekend is Valentine's day and I'm excited I think. I finally get to see RA and alone, spend some time with him for the first time in like 3 weeks. I was reading his old blog posts (kinda surprised they are still there) and its amazing how much has changed. In some ways I miss the old him but in others I don't. we have both come so far, im just hoping that he isn't in this relationship just cause he doesn't want to be single or sees me as a prize, idk. this is what I wonder sometimes. But deep down I know that he truly loves me and he is happy with me.
Graduation is also looming and im not sure how i feel about that. it just reminds me that I have nothing in my future, i have accomplished nothing. and at the moment Im not motivated to find something, cause i have come to feel that i am not good enough for anything. Its not for not applying to internships that I don't have one, its that I never hear back from any of them.
I want so much out of life but I can't seem to find happiness in the day to day activities anymore. All I see is the struggle.
no control
no power
no motivation
no freedom
pain
is
all
i
feel...
i just want the release.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Contemplations...
As my life ebs on i realiz that i have accomplished nothing with my life. I have just been carelessly moving through it. Im starting to question everything.
Yes, i still have good days, days where i feel happy. But sitting here tonight, listening to the many noises that are this city, i feel lost.
Weighing on me is the pain that sometimes comes from love. Tonight, i feel like i love him with all my being but there is a nagging whisper "he doesnt love you as strongly, he could be happy without you in his life." Maybe its just simply the male species or that i have an idealized idea of love and happiness from my books.
Graduation is in May but i have nothing to look forward to. I feel so incompetent. I can't even get an internship, i dont even want to go to classes anymore. I want to start living and stop being so scared. I look around me here and everyone is so smart and on the road to success, with nothing stopping them. Not me.
Sometimes i wish i had a capable father. I love him despite everything. Times like these, i wish i had a strong male figure to talk to and tell me that everything will be ok. Mine does good to make the motions to get through the day. I miss the fun we used to have when he was sober, its all tainted now.
Sometimes, i just wish i could start over. Go back to the days before the hospital, before my world completely exploded. I hate to say this and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like this was the turning point in my life so far, every little day mattered.
As i sit here alone, i contemplate my life. How do i move on. I miss my love so badly but he does not even seem like he misses me in the slightest. All this struggle an for what?
Maybe sleep will bring a better mind, peace to my anxiety.
As my life ebs on i realiz that i have accomplished nothing with my life. I have just been carelessly moving through it. Im starting to question everything.
Yes, i still have good days, days where i feel happy. But sitting here tonight, listening to the many noises that are this city, i feel lost.
Weighing on me is the pain that sometimes comes from love. Tonight, i feel like i love him with all my being but there is a nagging whisper "he doesnt love you as strongly, he could be happy without you in his life." Maybe its just simply the male species or that i have an idealized idea of love and happiness from my books.
Graduation is in May but i have nothing to look forward to. I feel so incompetent. I can't even get an internship, i dont even want to go to classes anymore. I want to start living and stop being so scared. I look around me here and everyone is so smart and on the road to success, with nothing stopping them. Not me.
Sometimes i wish i had a capable father. I love him despite everything. Times like these, i wish i had a strong male figure to talk to and tell me that everything will be ok. Mine does good to make the motions to get through the day. I miss the fun we used to have when he was sober, its all tainted now.
Sometimes, i just wish i could start over. Go back to the days before the hospital, before my world completely exploded. I hate to say this and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like this was the turning point in my life so far, every little day mattered.
As i sit here alone, i contemplate my life. How do i move on. I miss my love so badly but he does not even seem like he misses me in the slightest. All this struggle an for what?
Maybe sleep will bring a better mind, peace to my anxiety.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
rough water
Well....
its been a while....
not enough time to write a whole lot but life is rough.
School is making me feel like crap. I don't know if i can do this.
I'm so scared of disappointing RA and my family. And I'm tired of doing that.
But I feel like all I do now is struggle without getting anywhere and it is really starting to wear me down.
Losing....
my will power....
its been a while....
not enough time to write a whole lot but life is rough.
School is making me feel like crap. I don't know if i can do this.
I'm so scared of disappointing RA and my family. And I'm tired of doing that.
But I feel like all I do now is struggle without getting anywhere and it is really starting to wear me down.
Losing....
my will power....
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Where to even start.....
Today has just been a mess and I fear it is only the beginning of a long onslaught of nastiness. And it is only the second day of classes. Its not really even the classes themselves that are messing with me so much, its all the side stuff. All the little things that add up.
I guess it doesn't help that I haven't been feeling all that great the past few days, i've been blaming it on the move and classes starting but I am starting to wonder if thats really it.
Classes have been fine and as expected. I have just had little things that really bother me. Like money, who doesn't worry about that. I worked soooooo hard all summer to save up so I could at least have some cushion but that is slowly going away and there is still stuff I have to buy for classes even though I thought I was done spending money.
My brother wants to join the army, basically for the money. So that worries me.
My dad is not doing good at all. His whole family has given up hope that he will ever stop drinking. My grandma and I think that he has just done it so long that he will never stop. All we can do is pray but you know what? ( and what I am about to say is horrible and I hate myself for saying it) I have prayed about it my whole life and nothing ever happened so I don't even do that anymore. Its all just another big let down. Ya know what sucks though? even though I am used to his crap and have given up that he will ever stop, it still kills me every time I see him drunk or on his way to being drunk. It breaks my heart. I still get mad at him for it. But I still get surprised. Like after he went to the ER and had an alcohol level of .4 I was stupid enough to think this really might be the last straw for him to get back to being sober for good. I thought he was actually doing it this time and I was so excited to be able to see him on my way to school. I should've expected what happened. He wasn't there when I got there and I didn't see him till night time and he was drunk. and I was SURPRISED that he was!!! I actually thought he was going to be sober. He kept telling me he thinks he has it this time, while he was drunk. He has been going to AA meetings but he goes drunk!!! He isn't only breaking my heart, he is breaking his families too. I think my grandmother suffers the worst which pains me even more to see. I just found out he is yet another rehab facility, we'll see how this one works out. I could go on and on about him and the heartache he causes but I won't bore ya'll with that.
I am also worried about my mom b/c she has so much on her shoulders and I think it is really starting to wear on her. She is really broke and I wish I could help her. She has to take care of herself, her mom, and my brother when she needs to focus on herself more.
RA is still around but he just moved back into his campus and now I worry about him being stupid or cheating, etc. He still has the pic of him and his friend that is a girl when he was drunk on his old phone for some reason. He loves me and I know it and deep down i know he won't cheat on me but on the surface I am scared out of my mind that he will break my heart or find someone better than me. I don't think I will hardly see him any this semester any because I refuse to go down there as much when I am paying rent and have a room of my own. So if he misses me enough, he can come down here. I doubt that will ever happen bc i just don't think he cares that much. I guess I will find out.
On top of having to spend more money for school I just found out that the sound isn't working on my laptop, which sucks bc it is my only source to watch tv or listen to music. its not that big a deal but on top of everything it makes me feel even worse.
Oh and when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair off with my towel a flea jumped off!!! thats just F#$%&^ great!!! Now I have to worry about fleas and stop by the management office yet another time. I was hoping to actually sleep tonight but now I doubt that will happen.
Of course with everything going on I have been eating like a cow and now look like one too. it doesn't help. and Im to busy worrying about everything else that I dont do anything about it or i just say F#$% it and be miserable.
So obviously the new meds aren't helping any, at least not yet. I'm starting to think that i am just stuck this way no matter what.
time for homework
out
Today has just been a mess and I fear it is only the beginning of a long onslaught of nastiness. And it is only the second day of classes. Its not really even the classes themselves that are messing with me so much, its all the side stuff. All the little things that add up.
I guess it doesn't help that I haven't been feeling all that great the past few days, i've been blaming it on the move and classes starting but I am starting to wonder if thats really it.
Classes have been fine and as expected. I have just had little things that really bother me. Like money, who doesn't worry about that. I worked soooooo hard all summer to save up so I could at least have some cushion but that is slowly going away and there is still stuff I have to buy for classes even though I thought I was done spending money.
My brother wants to join the army, basically for the money. So that worries me.
My dad is not doing good at all. His whole family has given up hope that he will ever stop drinking. My grandma and I think that he has just done it so long that he will never stop. All we can do is pray but you know what? ( and what I am about to say is horrible and I hate myself for saying it) I have prayed about it my whole life and nothing ever happened so I don't even do that anymore. Its all just another big let down. Ya know what sucks though? even though I am used to his crap and have given up that he will ever stop, it still kills me every time I see him drunk or on his way to being drunk. It breaks my heart. I still get mad at him for it. But I still get surprised. Like after he went to the ER and had an alcohol level of .4 I was stupid enough to think this really might be the last straw for him to get back to being sober for good. I thought he was actually doing it this time and I was so excited to be able to see him on my way to school. I should've expected what happened. He wasn't there when I got there and I didn't see him till night time and he was drunk. and I was SURPRISED that he was!!! I actually thought he was going to be sober. He kept telling me he thinks he has it this time, while he was drunk. He has been going to AA meetings but he goes drunk!!! He isn't only breaking my heart, he is breaking his families too. I think my grandmother suffers the worst which pains me even more to see. I just found out he is yet another rehab facility, we'll see how this one works out. I could go on and on about him and the heartache he causes but I won't bore ya'll with that.
I am also worried about my mom b/c she has so much on her shoulders and I think it is really starting to wear on her. She is really broke and I wish I could help her. She has to take care of herself, her mom, and my brother when she needs to focus on herself more.
RA is still around but he just moved back into his campus and now I worry about him being stupid or cheating, etc. He still has the pic of him and his friend that is a girl when he was drunk on his old phone for some reason. He loves me and I know it and deep down i know he won't cheat on me but on the surface I am scared out of my mind that he will break my heart or find someone better than me. I don't think I will hardly see him any this semester any because I refuse to go down there as much when I am paying rent and have a room of my own. So if he misses me enough, he can come down here. I doubt that will ever happen bc i just don't think he cares that much. I guess I will find out.
On top of having to spend more money for school I just found out that the sound isn't working on my laptop, which sucks bc it is my only source to watch tv or listen to music. its not that big a deal but on top of everything it makes me feel even worse.
Oh and when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair off with my towel a flea jumped off!!! thats just F#$%&^ great!!! Now I have to worry about fleas and stop by the management office yet another time. I was hoping to actually sleep tonight but now I doubt that will happen.
Of course with everything going on I have been eating like a cow and now look like one too. it doesn't help. and Im to busy worrying about everything else that I dont do anything about it or i just say F#$% it and be miserable.
So obviously the new meds aren't helping any, at least not yet. I'm starting to think that i am just stuck this way no matter what.
time for homework
out
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