So today has been an overall sucky day, started off bad, ending bad. Just woke up feeling like crap and that feeling never went away. I had a lot of work to do and a test tomorrow but no matter how hard I try my brain will not function properly or concentrate on anything other then how messed up i am and this day. For the first time in a while I had a dream last night that I remember and maybe that threw me off to start with.
I spent almost an hour trying to find something to wear but nothing felt right. I don't look good in anything, I just look in the mirror and see ugliness. What breaks me is that I fight with this everyday and I tell myself you can fix this but it never happens. I do good for a few days but then I fall. Today was just a really bad day. I just feel so helpless and alone. I go from wanting to get in shape the right way to wanting to not eat again but nothing ever happens, Im stuck and its the worst. Its becoming painful. I don't have control over anything anymore. I feel like ive almost slipped back into a depression where all i do or want to do is sit alone or read and not think about life.
This weekend is Valentine's day and I'm excited I think. I finally get to see RA and alone, spend some time with him for the first time in like 3 weeks. I was reading his old blog posts (kinda surprised they are still there) and its amazing how much has changed. In some ways I miss the old him but in others I don't. we have both come so far, im just hoping that he isn't in this relationship just cause he doesn't want to be single or sees me as a prize, idk. this is what I wonder sometimes. But deep down I know that he truly loves me and he is happy with me.
Graduation is also looming and im not sure how i feel about that. it just reminds me that I have nothing in my future, i have accomplished nothing. and at the moment Im not motivated to find something, cause i have come to feel that i am not good enough for anything. Its not for not applying to internships that I don't have one, its that I never hear back from any of them.
I want so much out of life but I can't seem to find happiness in the day to day activities anymore. All I see is the struggle.
no control
no power
no motivation
no freedom
pain
is
all
i
feel...

i just want the release.