Contemplations...

As my life ebs on i realiz that i have accomplished nothing with my life. I have just been carelessly moving through it. Im starting to question everything.

Yes, i still have good days, days where i feel happy. But sitting here tonight, listening to the many noises that are this city, i feel lost.

Weighing on me is the pain that sometimes comes from love. Tonight, i feel like i love him with all my being but there is a nagging whisper "he doesnt love you as strongly, he could be happy without you in his life." Maybe its just simply the male species or that i have an idealized idea of love and happiness from my books.

Graduation is in May but i have nothing to look forward to. I feel so incompetent. I can't even get an internship, i dont even want to go to classes anymore. I want to start living and stop being so scared. I look around me here and everyone is so smart and on the road to success, with nothing stopping them. Not me.

Sometimes i wish i had a capable father. I love him despite everything. Times like these, i wish i had a strong male figure to talk to and tell me that everything will be ok. Mine does good to make the motions to get through the day. I miss the fun we used to have when he was sober, its all tainted now.

Sometimes, i just wish i could start over. Go back to the days before the hospital, before my world completely exploded. I hate to say this and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like this was the turning point in my life so far, every little day mattered.

As i sit here alone, i contemplate my life. How do i move on. I miss my love so badly but he does not even seem like he misses me in the slightest. All this struggle an  for what?

Maybe sleep will bring a better mind, peace to my anxiety.