Lost

I just really wish you were here right now. I'm totally breaking down right now.

Thoughts of the Day

So many thoughts running through my mind,
like a train with no stopping.

Why can't everyday be as good as this afternoon was? Why must I always be so negative about things? Why must I always over think and over analyse and not just go with my heart? Why can't I gain control over ED? Why do I feel like randomly breaking out in tears? Why must my dad drink? Why can't I take a compliment and not make it negative? Why do I just want to run away with him? How did I get lucky enough to meet him? Why do I seem to be losing my faith in God? How will I leave him? What will happen to my grandmother? Will my life ever be simple again? Why can't I just tell him? Why do I hold myself back?

I just really miss Humboldt right now. I'm tired of this horrible place with all of this fakeness. I just want so bad to just get in my car (with R of course) and just drive away, anywhere that is far from here. I can't even stand to spend time with my mom anymore and it kills me because I don't know why. I feel like I have to work to be happy around others sometimes, with one exception.

I feel so pathetic right now. All I want to do is cry my eyes out. From sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, disappointment and regret. I just want to go to him and ball my eyes out, but I know I will just push him away if I were to do that.

I feel like I have no one to talk to about ED. My it feels like I can't talk to my mom anymore. My best friend J.K. would make it about her somehow and my dad just would babble on about stuff he thinks he knows. He would try to tell me that he knows how I feel, but he doesn't.I miss the 100 lb girl I knew once. She was happy and enjoyed life, mostly. Now I feel like a whale that is stranded on the beach. I feel like I have lost myself sometimes.

I'm frustrated because I'm not being the best that I can be. I feel like ED took everything from me. Including my happiness. All I do recently is worry most of the time, when I'm not thinking about ED. I worry about my dad everyday. I love him so much but he just doesn't like to be like everyone else and do things the conventional ways. He continues the drinking, the smoking, the overexertion. I feel like if he would just stop drinking that that would fix a lot of his problems. I constantly worry that he is going to have another heart attack like last summer. I constantly worry that I am going to lose him, even though at times I feel like I could care less about him. I also worry about my grandmother. Every time I see her she looks like she has lost some of the life in her. She doesn't deserve this torture. I just want to take all the pain from her and transfer it to me. Imagine seeing the person you love the most in the world slowly deteriorating. I would totally lose myself if I lost her now.

I just feel so alone sometimes. I know there are some people who would listen, but that doesn't mean that they are paying attention or care. There are some who would make it about them. There are some who would try to help and act like they know what they are talking about. Some would just think its an easy fix and that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone to agree with me I guess, someone to really listen. I feel like when I let go of MB I lost the last piece of who I used to be and I don't know if that is good or bad. Hopefully R will help me find me again.


But, through all this, he has gotten me to forget all of it if only temporarily. I have no worries when I am with him and I don't feel so self conscious. I'm just afraid that once he finds out all of the baggage that I have that he will run away. I don't know what I would do without him. I just wish I could stop myself from holding back.

Finding Beauty in a World of Ugly

So I'm sitting at a creek near my house, just thinking. I was just in awe of how beautiful it was and wondering why I can't feel this good all the time. It reminds me that even though some things or people are mean and ugly that there is always something or someone out there that is better. The person you talk to at one point on a road may be the meanest most hurtful person but if you just take the time and patience to walk down the road a little father you might find the most wonderful person who was worth the wait. One minute you can be on a busy intersection with cars and sirens all around you, if you just walk across that street, through the noisy park, you can find a wonderful new place. You can all the sudden be free again, without the pain, confusion, and stress of the streets. You can hear the wind blowing and the calming waters, you can see the good and wonderful things in life. You can find the strength to keep moving forward through the storm.
It amazes me how one day you an have fierce storms and the next a beautiful sunny day. Even though I may be having the worst day I just need to remember that there is someone or something waiting to take you away from this horrible reality. Life keeps moving, just like this creek, it continually flows without stopping. It may get blocked but somewhere along the way it comes undone and continues on its way. Today may not be the best and your life may remain blocked and overflowing but you never know when the one piece that is holding the blockage together will separate and make everything good again.
Thank you R for helping me get rid of the blockage in my life. Thank you for helping me through the storm.

Great Day

Awesome, mostly, was how today was. I got to go see my dog Lucy at the trainers. She was sooo excited. All she would do was run!! She is no longer our little puppy though :( We miss her a lot and can't wait till she comes home in April. I have also found another friend at the trainers. Her name is Lucille and she is a pretty short haired pointer. She is so sweet, I could just pet her all day!!
After that I got to go see my grandmother. It breaks my heart to see how bad she is. I hate to see her in so much pain. She has also lost weight. I wish I could do something but all I can do is pray for her everyday. I also got the learn a little about how to make a quilt and I'm thinking about making one myself. I also got to start a new book, The Da Vinci Code. I know I'm a little late on it but it was 15 cents at McKay's so I thought why not. It is actually really good.
Then when I got back to the house I got to ride the 4-wheeler. I had more fun on it than I normally do. Ever since we flipped on it, it hasn't been my favorite thing to do. But I got to go fast today :) It feels so good to just be there in the woods, I just stopped for a few minutes and listened. The best few mins I had in a while, except for a few exceptions.
Now I'm back inside trying to stay positive and thinking about my day. I got to take to the best guy ever all day. I even got to see his dog and I have a plan to steal his dog, cutest thing!! Every time I saw his name pop up on my phone I couldn't help but think how great it would have been if he were here with me now. I just hope I'm not annoying him too much.
I hope tomorrow will be just as good if not better.

Quick turn Around

Well today has taken a complete 180, thanks to a certain someone :) So the day didn't start out as one of my best. I was feeling very low about myself when I looked in the mirror this morning. School was ok....... until 3rd block. He just had to ruin the day. He blames everything on me and never understands whatever I try to tell him. According to him I'm just "dropping" him for someone else. Well he can't seem to understand why I would do that, ummm you lie and cheat and make me feel horrible. Then I couldn't even get him to leave me alone. He followed me everywhere I went. I wasn't sure what he was going to do next, it's not like I can overpower him. Now all he does is make me feel horrible about it well, you know what?? I DONT CARE!!! I have some other friends that will treat me so much better. so goodbye :)

Then I got to see the awesomest guy after school. Even though it wasn't for long, I enjoyed it. I'm gonna try to be the best I can be for him, if it be as friends or more. He deserves that. I just got to work on a few things; like weight and the "thoughts" I have rarely. I feel like I can be myself around him :) I'm so glad I got to know him, no matter how short the time. Hopefully once I go to college we won't stop being friends, I would be lost all over again. I just want him to know that: I will never hurt him on purpose, never.
"This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road, that lead me straight to you"
                             ~Rascal Flatts
"I know it ain't easy, so find your place, come and find me, I'm a stones throw away"
                            ~Gavin Thorpe

I also left for West TN this afternoon, my favorite place to go. I get to see my grandmother finally. I also get to ride the 4-wheeler and see my dog Lucy. I just love the peace and relative quite out here, no cars flying by, I can hear the birds, train going down the track, the wind through the trees, I can hear myself think, and I can just enjoy my surroundings with out seeing a car around. I just wish I had brought my camera, oh well just means more time for me to enjoy nature :)

Yet another horrible day

Well today was one of the worst. MB made me feel like crap and that everything I my fault. Then he wouln't leave me alone. He about hit me I'm afraid. But maybe he is right, I do cause everything. I can't get rid of him, so when I new guy comes around he gets scared away. What makes me mad is that MB doesn't even know what he is doing or doesn't understand. He made me cry during school for the second time this year.
Maybe I am worthless and don't deserve anybody better than him.

Dangerous Thoughts

I have been having thoughts that I shouldn't have. That could get me into a lot of trouble. Just sometimes I want to punish myself, for being wrong and messed up, for being me, for feeling this way. These thoughts happen on rare occasions but today they have been stronger than ever.
I actually started to put my thoughts into action while I was act school, which I would never do, or thought I would never do. Let me just say that long nails come in use sometimes. No, I didn't do anything really bad before you freak out. I would have done worse if I hadn't seen the old scars as reminders of the last time. It makes me ashamed and is about the only thing that keeps me from doing it again.
I just want to punish myself for being so fat, having ED, not being able to control myself. I know I sound like a crazy person, but its how I feel. I don't know, maybe if I would have been alone today I might have actually done something.

smile

soooooo,
I was walking in the hallway today, on my way to my car when a random smile popped onto my face. What was it that made me smile? good question.
well a certain person came into my thoughts and well, it just made me smile.
Doesn't really happen a lot, but I guess he has that effect on me.

Questions?????

What will the future bring?
What will happen in London?
Will I ever get a job?
Is it worth fighting anymore?
Should I give up?
Should I just do what I want to do?
Will my grades come up?
Will I be okay alone in college?
Will my grandmother be okay?
Will he stay?
Who should I trust?

All of these and more are the questions I ask myself everyday. Most of all I wonder about the future. Will I be happy? Will I be sad? Have I found someone I can trust, lean on, confide in, and tell all my secerts? Has my mom grown to be someone I dislike?
I guess there would be no point in life if everyone knew the answers to everything. Then it would become boring and not worth while.

Random thoughts and boredom

Well, I'll do anything to avoid doing homework. So here I am, again. Well let me just say, I hated today. First, I forgot I had to go to my dad's house and that wasn't part of my plans for tonight. So, I just locked up in my room early tonight. I'm just trying not to think about how much I ate today, I went waaayyyy over my calorie limit today. But surprisingly I'm not feeling as bad about it as I usually do, I think its because I'm talking to a certain someone :)
Ugh, my dad has already started to act drunk :( I swear he wouldn't have so much problems if he would just stop smoking and drinking. I'm tired of yelling and arguing with him. Luckily I'll be gone next year so I won't have to deal with it as much. but I will constantly be worrying about my brother being with him.
So, I'm listening to music and 21 guns comes on and I really listened to it for the first time. It really goes with what I'm thinking. " when you're at the end of the road, and you lost all sense of control, and your thoughts have taken their toll, when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul, your faith walks on broken glass, and the hangover doesn't pass, nothings ever built to last, you're in ruins, one-21 guns, lay down your arms-give up the fight, one-21 guns, throw up our arms into the sky, you and I" My mind is so tired of thinking through things, so I'm just gonna go day by day and not worry as much. I'm sure I'll still think about things though.
So, its especially hard for me some days at school because I have to deal with MB. Sometimes I just wish we had stayed friends. It just frustrates me that I can't let go. Every time he talks to me I can't get mad at him and remember the old times. But I'm tired of getting hurt by him. "and I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it ain't no way we can be friends"
But to look on the bright side I have got a great, new person in my life, that I don't know where I would be without him right now. I think he has an idea though. He keeps me sane and thinking relatively straight, haha. He helps me through everyday. Like today, my phone died and I was lost all day. I just thought that I might of been because I didn't get to talk to him. I know, I sound like I'm obsessed, but whatever. He can tell me to f*** off if he wants to, until then I'm gonna keep annoying him. I wish I could have known him sooner, but I'm grateful that I got to know him when I did. "every now and then I get a little lost, my strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed, every now and then I'm right up on the edge, dangling my toes out over the ledge, I just thank God you're here"   Thanks for putting up with me :) I know I'm a weirdo and a little crazy. I still don't know why you talk to me. Even though I haven't known you for long, you have helped me through one of the hardest times in my life.

I will Survive.........maybe

Well today was odd. Thats the only way I can think of to explain it. I spent a lot of time thinking about stuff, trying not to cry. It seems like everytime things start to get better, they start to fall apart again. I just feel tired, phsyically and mentally. I'm ready to give up....on everything. I'm tired of trying to keep it together. I'm tired of trying to convince people that they are wrong about things people say about them and what they think about themselves. I wish people would just be themselves and not try to be something that they aren't.
I wish he would do what he wants to do. I will make it through it if he leaves. maybe. I can go another three months alone...can't I? But, at the same time, I've been through worse and the hurt he would cause wouldn't be all that bad.....hopefully. All I want for him is to be happy, and if that means that he leave, I wish he would just do it. I'd rather go through the pain and loss sooner rather than later.

Some of my old writing

Control

Does anyone have it?,
         the ability to do what you please.
It is taken for granted,
         when you don't realize its importance.

I say:
   I can do anything
   I can be happy
   I CAN

But when you don't?
     you lose
     you are worthless
       in a world of harsh realities

Can you change?

Untitled

is there any way out?
of this tangle of wires and strings we call life

just keep moving,
   more, more, more

It's never enough
Can't we just accept what we've got and move on?

Instead, we keep on going round in this circle of brutality.
  in this web of want and need.

Isn't it enough to just be
  and have what we have
  to be happy??

Isn't it??

Untitled

night & day
good & bad
love & hate
right & wrong
all complete opposites,

but completely together

Untitled

They tell me I am beautiful
                            smart
                            nice.
   but I don't believe them,
     I don't see it in me.

Where is this amazing person they tell me I am?
    cause I don't know her.

All I see is a shy
                   unintellegent
                  average girl.
   I don't see the face
                         eyes
                         skin
                         body, they so love.

All I see is someone who is not comfortable
   someone who is fighting an internal war,

                 with no true allies.

It Will all be Okay

Through it all:
   - the pain
   - the hurt
   - the sorrow
   - the regret

I know there is still beauty out there,
       in a flower
           a smile
                laughter
          a hug
          the sun

The hard part is
   remembering its there, even in all this rain and shadow.

But it's there.
  just don't lose sight.

No Control
   over anything!!

- can't stop
- don't do right
- do wrong
 just don't care anymore.
    no, I do, but why can't I stop.

I used to could
    - have good grades
    - had control
    - will, power
Where'd it go??

Its somewhere out there.
In this world of truths and lies.

but where?
I want it back.

Wishes

how can you go from one opposite to another?
           is there no inbetween?
           no middle line?
               no garden of eden, but without the forbidden fruit?

can't you just get there and stay there,
       no moving forward
         just stay
           freeze time
             with no regrets

ahhhh, the simple wishes
             and regrets

Time

moving fast
like its never gonna end
  lost in this tunnel of confusion
not knowing
  which way to go next

Ups and Downs

to be or not to be
seems my mind can't be made
one day sun, next rain
don't know what to expect in this heat.

it's starting to burn me, to the point of no return

Movies

my escape from this reality
  I forget
       - the pain, regret, sorrow, hate
 go into a seperate world
      of unrealities
      of things that are amazing and impossible
I wish I could live in them
Instead of this mess of a life

Untitled

why must he drink this poison?
we have a great time 'til he starts
    -why do I still get surprised
 to see
    -him stumble, be silly or stupid
    - the bottle or can
    - the drunken eyes
you would think I 'd be used to it by now.......

Untitled

lies
like the black rock
      at the bottom of the lake
so deep, but hidden
      unknown
but when you find it
     its ugly and green
     hurtful

Song that Explains me

Beautiful Disaster
By: Jon Mclaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments. It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.
And she would change everything, everything just ask her.Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

What's Wrong With Me?

Ok, I feel like I am soooo screwed up! I feel like all I do I make people disappointed in me, like I can't do anything right.
Right as I think things are getting better, I some how screw it up. I am older than my brother by three years and he is still my mom's baby. I get straight As and I don't get into trouble, I don't do stupid things, I do stuff for her all the time, I'm a taxi for my little brother all the time and I get into a really good college. But she still treats me differently then my brother. Like, last night my brother and I just got back from a one day ski trip with a friends church. I had only 4 hours of sleep then went skiing and had a 6 hour ride home and didn't get to bed till 12. We were planing on going into school late but I didn't get up till 10:30 and thought whats the point in going to school, by the time we get there we would only be there for like one class. I gave my brother every opportunity to go but he didn't say that he wanted to, so we stayed home. When I get home from having a great time with a certain person :) all I get from my mom is "why didn't you tell me that you didn't go to school today?", "your brother is close to getting in trouble because of how many days he has missed", like he can't speak up for himself and it's all my fault that he didn't go to school. I didn't know I was supposed to keep up with my brothers life as well as mine. She says she isn't mad, she is just disappointed in me. He is always been given the easy life. He gets sick and the world is going to end, but when I get sick, ewwww, go in your room and stay away from us. I swear, sometimes I feel like she doesn't care about me or that he is her favorite.

Why can't I let go of this guy, he doesn't matter to me anymore, but I still can't let go. Everyone says to just not talk to him or anything. But they don't know what he means to me. I've known him all my life and he has always listened to me. He understands me......most of the time. But he has this little problem, he can't stay away from other girls and he can't tell me the truth. And for those reasons I can't stand him. I just don't know why I can't let him go. Why do I spend time and energy and tears over him?????

Why can't I control myself? When I'm away from home, I barely eat, but when I get home I pig out, on anything and everything. I feel so weak.

But, even with him (yes you :) ) knowing all of this crap about me and knowing how screwed up I am, he still likes me. Why??? I'm not even worth it. I'm just scared that I will end up hurting him or him hurting me or people making stuff up about me (idk maybe what they would say would be true). I didn't realize how much he meant to me..... until he said goodbye. I lost it and didn't know what the point of trying was any more. I wish I wasn't so scared to tell him how I feel about him. Also, I'm going to college, what then?? How would I say goodbye?

Hard Day

This definitly didn't go as hope.This was horrible,alone time is my enemy.I start to think. I see the real me. The mean careless fat horrible unreliable me. I feel completly worthless. I can't ever do as I plan. It frustrates me to no end. Do you know what it feels like to feel like you are powerless with no control over yourself. I feel so uncomfortable around others, like I should hide my body from everyone. It's a constant nagging in my mind, your fat, lose weight, don't think about food,you can do it.

But I appericate all the reasurance from other people that I'm perfect the way I am. I just wish I could believe them.

Future and other ramdom stuff

Well, this auoght to be interesting. Hopefully I will get some alone time, it's a necessity for me. I wonder what this day will bring. Joy,excitment,wonder,laughter,pain,sadness,or frustration? How can I enjoy this trip,if all I think about is him,my grandmother,and ED? Will childish people start crap at school? Will I be the talk of the school again,and what would they say? I can't believe her, she is such a hoe,she deserves this. Will I make another enemy?All of this might go on without me even being there.But will I also make new friends.
I hope I'm not going hungary for no reason.But I'm not scared,I've done it before. In the end it will all be worth it, in the end.
I'm tired of these sleepless nights. All I do is think of him. Is he telling the truth about me or does he just like me for looks. I know he doesn't but after all these other high school boys I'm always scared, to be lied to, hurt,cheated on,and seen as only a hot girl.I think of it as bittersweet.
But as I was saying, he seems like someone I made up. I can't wait to find out more about him.
I'm just scared that I will be given this just for it to be taken away.

New Horizon

Wow!! Today was amazing!! It was the bast day I have had in a long time. Let me just say he is awesome. He understands me like no one else. I don't even know how to put it into words. I also learned that there is still some good in the world. I just wish I could control ED. It was the only bad part of my day.

Bittersweet

Today was bittersweet. For many reasons. One, I didn't get much sleep because of some issues from the night before. I thought I had lost someone that means a lot to me. He helped me through a rough time and I have told him almost everything about me. The only thing is, he won't trust me or believe me because high school kids are a bunch of stuck up, know it all, pain in the butt, babies. I like him because he tells the truth no matter what, most of the time, he isn't afraid to be who he is and can act wiser than his age. My problem is that I am used to being lied to and betrayed and talked about that I find it hard not to be suspicious of anyone. How do I know that he isn't like the other guys, who only care about my looks? Well, he is doing a pretty good job of proving that he isn't like that. We barely see each other, except in a class, and if I couldn't trust him, he would have already told all my secrets Over all he is pretty awesome :)

My other issues are my other long time friend and my eating disorder (which I sometimes refer to as ED). Well for the long time friend problem. For some reason stupid ole me keeps going back to this jerk. Don't ask me why, cause I don't even know myself. I guess it's cause he is the only person (besides previously mentioned guy) that really, truly knows me, maybe even better than my best friend. We have had sooo many good times, but for me they are all overshadowed my bad ones. Of hurt, betrayal, lies, harsh words and so much more. He always ruins everything for me, so for that reason I know what I have to do but for some reason find it extremely hard to do. I know I have to let him go, as a friend, but it is so hard. As for ED, still a problem and a constant struggle for me everyday. I just wish someone could really understand what I am going through. They all say you don't need to worry about your weight, you look fine, don't do that. But it is so much easier said than done. Not even my mom understands. I want to control this soooo bad!!

As for the other problems in my life, they are varied. From family health to school to the future. My hero, the person I look up to, is sick and cant seem to stay well. She is my grandmother. She has had breast cancer, then broke her leg, than cancer again, now we don't even know what is wrong with her. It just tears me up to see her this way. I aim to be like her. My father is also having issues. Because of money and stress he has become weak and lost weight and other things. I am scared for what might happen to him everyday.
All of the other problems are minor compared to what I have already explained.

Through all of this, I am trying to focus on the positive. I am a senior at high school and I have a great family (at times). I just made a GREAT new friend and have finally "taken out the trash". I have college paid for and I get to go to London. I keep going because I know that everyday is a new day, a fresh start. I have also learned to cherish the little moments in time, and not focus so much on the big stuff.

" I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid."
                                                       ~ John 14:27

Thursday

Today was a complete and utter disaster.

Todays Results

Well, today didn't go quiet as planned but it was better then the ones I have been having lately. It sort of fell apart when I got home but, tomorrow is a new day and another chance. I'm really starting to find out who my true friends are. I think I have finally found a true friend :)
Tomorrow will be good as well friday and saturday. We have a blood drive at school tomorrow and hopefully there won't be to much drama. Then Friday I have a field trip to go on and I won't have to go to any classes at all. Then hopefully I will get to hang out with my best friend and her boyfriend :)
I am also on a hunt for another good book, I'm thinking another classic would be good. Just some of them are a little hard for me to understand easily.
Well thats it

Fresh Start

Okay, today I am going to start all over. But this time I will really do it. I'm going to stop complaining about all the crap that is going on in my life and start doing something about it. I am going to be positive about things and not worry as much. Because after all, I really do have a lot of good things happening that I have been totally blocking out.

I will start by:
Eating right
Helping Others
Not complain as much
Have more Fun!!!