Thoughts of the Day

So many thoughts running through my mind,
like a train with no stopping.

Why can't everyday be as good as this afternoon was? Why must I always be so negative about things? Why must I always over think and over analyse and not just go with my heart? Why can't I gain control over ED? Why do I feel like randomly breaking out in tears? Why must my dad drink? Why can't I take a compliment and not make it negative? Why do I just want to run away with him? How did I get lucky enough to meet him? Why do I seem to be losing my faith in God? How will I leave him? What will happen to my grandmother? Will my life ever be simple again? Why can't I just tell him? Why do I hold myself back?

I just really miss Humboldt right now. I'm tired of this horrible place with all of this fakeness. I just want so bad to just get in my car (with R of course) and just drive away, anywhere that is far from here. I can't even stand to spend time with my mom anymore and it kills me because I don't know why. I feel like I have to work to be happy around others sometimes, with one exception.

I feel so pathetic right now. All I want to do is cry my eyes out. From sadness, anger, frustration, happiness, disappointment and regret. I just want to go to him and ball my eyes out, but I know I will just push him away if I were to do that.

I feel like I have no one to talk to about ED. My it feels like I can't talk to my mom anymore. My best friend J.K. would make it about her somehow and my dad just would babble on about stuff he thinks he knows. He would try to tell me that he knows how I feel, but he doesn't.I miss the 100 lb girl I knew once. She was happy and enjoyed life, mostly. Now I feel like a whale that is stranded on the beach. I feel like I have lost myself sometimes.

I'm frustrated because I'm not being the best that I can be. I feel like ED took everything from me. Including my happiness. All I do recently is worry most of the time, when I'm not thinking about ED. I worry about my dad everyday. I love him so much but he just doesn't like to be like everyone else and do things the conventional ways. He continues the drinking, the smoking, the overexertion. I feel like if he would just stop drinking that that would fix a lot of his problems. I constantly worry that he is going to have another heart attack like last summer. I constantly worry that I am going to lose him, even though at times I feel like I could care less about him. I also worry about my grandmother. Every time I see her she looks like she has lost some of the life in her. She doesn't deserve this torture. I just want to take all the pain from her and transfer it to me. Imagine seeing the person you love the most in the world slowly deteriorating. I would totally lose myself if I lost her now.

I just feel so alone sometimes. I know there are some people who would listen, but that doesn't mean that they are paying attention or care. There are some who would make it about them. There are some who would try to help and act like they know what they are talking about. Some would just think its an easy fix and that it isn't a big deal. I just want someone to agree with me I guess, someone to really listen. I feel like when I let go of MB I lost the last piece of who I used to be and I don't know if that is good or bad. Hopefully R will help me find me again.


But, through all this, he has gotten me to forget all of it if only temporarily. I have no worries when I am with him and I don't feel so self conscious. I'm just afraid that once he finds out all of the baggage that I have that he will run away. I don't know what I would do without him. I just wish I could stop myself from holding back.