Why?

Why do I somehow screw everything up? After a long hard day I was finally doing better after I finally got to see him. He makes everything go away. I don't feel so worthless when I'm with him. But no, my asshole of an ex-bf has to go and be a jerk. He can't stand the fact that someone is better then him. Honestly you would you would really have to try to be worse then him.
And I brought this on myself. If I weren't such a horrible person this wouldn't have happened.
I wish he knew how much I love him (fyi, RA, talking about you now). And honestly, if you asked me to or I had to get married today, I'd marry you. (prob just scared you away even more) I never want to leave you, ever. I love everything about you and your family is awesome (most of the time).
RA the only way your gonna get rid of me is by telling me you dont care about me anymore.
Love you!!

Will I ever stay happy?

I'm done again, like way down. I'm fat and worthless. And right as I get happy with where I'm at I have to lose it. I only have a few weeks left here. all of this will disappear, RA, wht little confidence I had, and my happiness.  I will gain tons of weight and he will leave me. Oh well, thats my life for ya.

"So this, is love"

TI thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong, this is love, he is everything I ever wanted and more. I've never cared so much about someone as I do for him. It kills me to see him like this, I wish I was the one who was sick, he doesn't deserve this. I can't function when he is so sick. Bad sleep, can't do anything right, I miss him even though he is right next to me. He is all I can think about. I wish I could do more to trip him and make him better. Wish he would listen to me and let me help him.

I'm feeling kinda down as well. Probably just a mix of him being sick and me hating work and being broke and being fat. I'm worthless and pathetic. I have no effect on anyone or anything. Whats the point of me even going to Rhodes? Its not like I'm smart enough or am actually gonna do anything with my life. I feel like I'm just a bother to him and to everyone else. I was more useful when I was sick.

I'm spoiled, thats wht I am. Haven't had to work to hard for stuff, mom always got me almost anything I wanted. Well I need to grow up and stop being a baby.

I do know he makes me happy, he makes it all go away. I just gotta be strong for him now, when he needs me (or I think he does). I can do this, I'd do anything for him.

Ok back to college. I'm going to fail out. I can't do it. I'm not smart enough. I'm to lazy and unsocialable. I'm gonna have a horrible roommate and hate it. I won't be able to see him everyday either.

Oh well time to grow up.

LOVE YOU RA!!!!  Forever! Please dont ever leave me (unless you don't love me anymore).

Found it!!

I have been trying to find this quote for a long time. I heard part of it in a movie. It is part of one of Tennyson's poems.

"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow,
The delight of happy laughter,
The delight of low replies."

I don't know why but I like it.

well.....

He is out of town and retard kristauf is here so I am locked in my room. I'm kinda bored and missing him like crazy. I feel like such a baby, I have been fighting tears all day. I don't think I have smiled all day.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today, about a lot of things.
     1) my dad is being difficult. mainly about vacation time and child support money. he won't let my mom have one of his weekends when he does it all the time to her. I just want to scream at him. Stop drinking and creating drama all the time and life would be a lot easier for you!!!!
     2) College. How am I gonna survive? I'm not smart enough to do the work, I'm too shy, and I can't stand the thought of leaving him. I'm afraid its gonna get me started on my binging thing again. I'm afraid that I will hate it. At the same time I am excited. I finally get to be on my own, I don't have to worry about who's house I'm supposed to be at, telling my parents every little detail about what I am doing. The hardest part though is gonna be not being able to see him everyday.
     3) My future, what am I gonna do with my life? what will I become? Will I be a pilot, a vet/ vet tech, accountant? I'm tired of people asking and not having an answer, it makes me feel like I'm a disappointment.
     4) My weight/ED problem/issue. Am I getting better or getting worse? Am I really losing weight or gaining it? If I am doing better, will I keep it up or just crash when I go to college? I have also been thinking about the size I used to be and still wish I could have that back. I hate to try on clothes now, cause its all just a disappointment. Just another reminder of how fat I've gotten. But at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I've got him there to help me feel better about myself. Even though I may not openly agree with him, it helps me. Sometimes I say negative things about myself just to get him to disagree, I like it, it makes me feel better about myself.
     5) My car. I really really want better gas and a smaller car but I don't want to spend the money and I don't have the money. I might but I have a feeling my dad won't give me much help and I'm not gonna get much for my car. I am gonna get a new one, just don't know when.
     6) Are Jessika and I done? Will we ever see each other again? To be honest I don't care if we are done or not. Idk we'll see what happens.
     7) And the biggest one, how much I love RA. I wish I never had to leave his side. I never would have pictured myself with him but I am sooooo glad I am. I haven't been this happy in a while. I really don't know how I will be able to live without seeing him when I go off to college. He is amazing and I am so lucky to have  him. Thank you RA and I love you and I don't plan to stop loving you anytime soon.

well, I'm starting to get sad so I am gonna go.