He is out of town and retard kristauf is here so I am locked in my room. I'm kinda bored and missing him like crazy. I feel like such a baby, I have been fighting tears all day. I don't think I have smiled all day.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today, about a lot of things.
1) my dad is being difficult. mainly about vacation time and child support money. he won't let my mom have one of his weekends when he does it all the time to her. I just want to scream at him. Stop drinking and creating drama all the time and life would be a lot easier for you!!!!
2) College. How am I gonna survive? I'm not smart enough to do the work, I'm too shy, and I can't stand the thought of leaving him. I'm afraid its gonna get me started on my binging thing again. I'm afraid that I will hate it. At the same time I am excited. I finally get to be on my own, I don't have to worry about who's house I'm supposed to be at, telling my parents every little detail about what I am doing. The hardest part though is gonna be not being able to see him everyday.
3) My future, what am I gonna do with my life? what will I become? Will I be a pilot, a vet/ vet tech, accountant? I'm tired of people asking and not having an answer, it makes me feel like I'm a disappointment.
4) My weight/ED problem/issue. Am I getting better or getting worse? Am I really losing weight or gaining it? If I am doing better, will I keep it up or just crash when I go to college? I have also been thinking about the size I used to be and still wish I could have that back. I hate to try on clothes now, cause its all just a disappointment. Just another reminder of how fat I've gotten. But at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I've got him there to help me feel better about myself. Even though I may not openly agree with him, it helps me. Sometimes I say negative things about myself just to get him to disagree, I like it, it makes me feel better about myself.
5) My car. I really really want better gas and a smaller car but I don't want to spend the money and I don't have the money. I might but I have a feeling my dad won't give me much help and I'm not gonna get much for my car. I am gonna get a new one, just don't know when.
6) Are Jessika and I done? Will we ever see each other again? To be honest I don't care if we are done or not. Idk we'll see what happens.
7) And the biggest one, how much I love RA. I wish I never had to leave his side. I never would have pictured myself with him but I am sooooo glad I am. I haven't been this happy in a while. I really don't know how I will be able to live without seeing him when I go off to college. He is amazing and I am so lucky to have him. Thank you RA and I love you and I don't plan to stop loving you anytime soon.
well, I'm starting to get sad so I am gonna go.
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