I am soooooo ready for Christmas break. I am not doing well right now, I feel myself going down right now. I look at myself and all I see is bags under my eyes, fat everywhere, and laziness. These two weeks are critical for classes and I just can't focus right now. I don't want to do anything. Like I sit down to do it and I just can't. I don't know what is wrong and it is so frustrating. I know I can do it I just can't...I don't know how to say it. I just sit and stare at my work, I don't do anything. All I have done today is go to class, read some, sleep, go look at a monument for my next paper (which I should also be working on), eat, and eat again, and eat again, and shower. 
now I'm in one of my moods which means I just sit and think about how fat and worthless I am. great, just great. I have got way to much work to do. after this, I will once again attempt to do work and probably won't get far. I have done about half of the assignment so far. I just hate grammar and writing so much.
ERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I can't get over how much I have eaten and how much of a fatty I am! I looked at old pics last night and now they just keep replaying in my head. 
I just want to scream right now. I'm so upset and mad. my thoughts of how fat I am keep getting in the way of my work. its all I can think about.
oh well

ooookk

Well, things are ok. a lot of thinking has gone on in the past week and a half. still can't make sense of it all. all i know, is i don't know what i would do without RA.
I wish i could go home and stay home for a while. I can't keep up with this work. waaaay to much reading and writing for me and honestly, idk if I'm learning a whole lot. I miss working with the dogs, i miss my dogs, i miss my brother, i miss my mom, i miss RA, i miss not being confined like I'm in a hospital room but more permeant and a little bigger. I'm trying not to complain to much to RA anymore, its hard, i still slip up though.
on top of this I'm worried about my car, its starting to act weird and my phone is just being a butthole and doesn't want to do what it is supposed to do.
well, I'm getting mad, better go

I hate it when u want to cry but the tears won't come and ur almost at the point of numbness

trying to hold on but...

so this week has been and is going to be rough. I have soooo much reading and papers to do, I wouldn't be in this position if i had done my work on time. I was doing ok yesterday and today but now its all crumbling down. now, its not just the work, its the money problem, its the weight issue, the job issue. i can't bring myself to keep working tonight but i need to keep working as long as I can, I'm just so frustrated i don't know if i will do any good.
i keep thinking about what i used to look like and weigh. i miss it but at the same time i don't. i could wear whatever i wanted and not be self conscious, i felt like i could actually wear the fashion. now all i do is look and wish i could wear it. i wish i could make myself workout more and find the time to do it. because it does make me feel better, most of the time. all i feel like i can wear right now is baggy clothes and sweats and tees, rarely wear a pair of jeans, which i used to love.
so, i am broke and have no job and no time for a job. I'm stuck, i don't know what to do, i really don't. i hate having to rely on my mom for money and not being able to pay her back. i hate letting RA pay for everything, i want to treat him every once and a while, but i can't do that anymore.
its just, ugh. my mind is whirling, i can't concentrate anymore, I'm not good for anything right now, which is the worst timing.
im also struggling with the fact that I'm not good enough, i feel like I'm not capable of living up to people's expectations of me. RA thinks i can do this, he thinks i can do the work and make it here at Rhodes, but i feel like i can't. i feel like i have to make my mom and church family proud, and RA. if it weren't for them, i would be so done with Rhodes, i would have quit and still think about it everyday. but there is also the side of me that wants to be able to do it but is frustrated because I'm not smart enough.
ahhhhh!!!!!! i just want to scream!!!!

ok so, I'm done, I'm just done. i want to go home for good but i can't.
RA i need you right now!!!

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy
dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

see, i can't freaking concentrate, its so frustrating!!!

ugh, i give up, bye