so this week has been and is going to be rough. I have soooo much reading and papers to do, I wouldn't be in this position if i had done my work on time. I was doing ok yesterday and today but now its all crumbling down. now, its not just the work, its the money problem, its the weight issue, the job issue. i can't bring myself to keep working tonight but i need to keep working as long as I can, I'm just so frustrated i don't know if i will do any good.
i keep thinking about what i used to look like and weigh. i miss it but at the same time i don't. i could wear whatever i wanted and not be self conscious, i felt like i could actually wear the fashion. now all i do is look and wish i could wear it. i wish i could make myself workout more and find the time to do it. because it does make me feel better, most of the time. all i feel like i can wear right now is baggy clothes and sweats and tees, rarely wear a pair of jeans, which i used to love.
so, i am broke and have no job and no time for a job. I'm stuck, i don't know what to do, i really don't. i hate having to rely on my mom for money and not being able to pay her back. i hate letting RA pay for everything, i want to treat him every once and a while, but i can't do that anymore.
its just, ugh. my mind is whirling, i can't concentrate anymore, I'm not good for anything right now, which is the worst timing.
im also struggling with the fact that I'm not good enough, i feel like I'm not capable of living up to people's expectations of me. RA thinks i can do this, he thinks i can do the work and make it here at Rhodes, but i feel like i can't. i feel like i have to make my mom and church family proud, and RA. if it weren't for them, i would be so done with Rhodes, i would have quit and still think about it everyday. but there is also the side of me that wants to be able to do it but is frustrated because I'm not smart enough.
ahhhhh!!!!!! i just want to scream!!!!
ok so, I'm done, I'm just done. i want to go home for good but i can't.
RA i need you right now!!!
fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy
dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly
see, i can't freaking concentrate, its so frustrating!!!
ugh, i give up, bye
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