Friday

well, im in a really good mood for no reason at all and im pretty sure im going to crash both physically and mentally at some point tonight. soooooo.......im going to enjoy the happiness while it lasts. cause its rare that i ever feel this good. hopefully Kirby will txt me later and ill go out with her, maybe. we shall see what the night brings....

long day

its been a super long day and not an easy one at that. I have gone from feeling like im at the top of the world to the bottom of it and everywhere in-between. its not fun and its wears on you. Im pretty sure im gonna have to withdraw from that class. idk what Im gonna do and i dont want to even think about the shame im gonna feel when i have to tell my mom and ryan.

I dont think tomorrow will be any easier. ill probably find out for sure if i should withdraw cause i have to go back to the professor to talk to him about it and from his face and attitude when i talked to him today, i don't think it will be good.

its like i told my uncle earlier. I have lost my focus that i had first semester and i have realized it to late to fix it or do anything about it.

I keep seeing all these motivational and positive things and quotes that should help me to feel better and be more positive but they don't. at all, i just want to yell at them like they are a person and its their fault. its not anyone's fault but my own, no matter how much it wish it werent true and try to deny it. i know that it is.

im starting to feel all alone again even tho i have people that i can talk to. i guess its cause they cant truly  understand what im feeling. they try to help but most of the time it doesnt help. cause for some reason my mind is twisted like that.

i hope this is just a mood and will pass, i cant handle days of this. i just want happiness and to have it for a while, not just for a short time and stuff to come back again.

This is one of those times. i am screaming on the inside but on the outside im as silent as a mouse. oh well, like moves on weather we r ready or not. guess all i can do now is hold on till this storm passes.

the struggle

well, I seem to have done it again. I screwed up. I got back on track first semester and I let it go this semester. now Im looking at a possible withdrawal from my acct class, which is required for my major. adding to my future course load or summer classes. On top of all that, I am completely broke. I can't even go buy milk, hopefully my paycheck for working over spring break will not disapoint me. I feel a big crash coming on and its not gonna be good. I just can't seem to stay on the right track. well time for econ class. be back later

Pain and Suffering

Last night was rough and the worst part was that it came out of no where. It's just, I waste so much time doing useless stuff instead of school work. I do it to myself all the time.

This day is not going good at all. If its possible I feel worse than I did last night. The pain from last night only gave me a few hours of relief this morning. All I can think about is all the work I have to do and all of my other problems and in the end, I get nothing done cause I spend to much time thinking about it or avoiding it. I sleep every night but I wake up feeling like I haven't sleep at all. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am going to try to start going to the gym again, that may be part of it. I'm almost sure thats part of the problem. I'm just so tired I don't want to go but Im gonna make myself go today. Im gaining to much weight, which doesn't help at all.

I just want to give up sometimes. just stop, pack my bags and drive away from here and start over. but even with all my worries and problems I still want to stay around because of the people I love. I don't know, what I'm doing or going to do. All I can do is stare.

I havent felt this miserable in a long time. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. I just feel so inferior and worthless.

I just don't know...