Not the best day

well yet another long day. Senior slide show was a piece of crap. Then I had a horrible 3rd block. I have way to much crap going on right now. School grades and attendance, my dad in the hospital, work, and prom making me feel like a fatso, and trying to figure out the mess with the trio of friends I have. I feel like I am falling apart in a way. But at the same time I feel like I am gaining so much more. Gah I'm so tired I can't even think.

busy busy busy

Well nonstop day today. 1st I got up late for school. Then we had the senior picnic which was so much fun!! The dodge ball tournament was so fun and then just waiting in line for an hour for food and then playing cards with a bunch of friends. It was one of the best days. Then I had to take a car load of rugby players to practice. I had 4 in the backseat and 2 in the passenger seat. So when I turned in to the park some pipe on the bottom of my car scratched against the pavement. but I don't even know what it was and I hope its not important cause I'm not gonna try to look at it anymore. Then I had work from 3 till 6. It wasn't that bad today, probably because I kinda know what I'm doing now. Then I rushed to the baseball game and made it for the last 10 minutes of it. Then I went home and exercised for 30 minutes (I know, not a lot, but you gotta start somewhere). Then I had to go back out for an errand. Finally I got home for the night and I was gonna do more running but I was too tired and just got in the shower. I know I will regret it later, a lot. Now its 9:30 and I'm laying in bed and relaxing kinda. I've still got a lot on my mind: prom, work, ED, guys, family (dad), and school in general. In a way I'm glad I'm so busy because I don't think about things as much or I don't have time to anymore.
So I can't figure those two out. They change from day-to-day. I never know what to expect from them. First it was she didn't want me to have anything to do with him and he didn't want to have anything to do with her. Then out of nowhere they are cool again and I'm so confused. Now she wants to help fix things between me and him?????? He also gets mad so easily, like I was at work on my first day and he basically gets mad at me cause I couldn't talk to him?? I just can't keep up with these two. I don't know anymore.
Prom well, it's stupid and I hate it!!!!
So my dad is getting a heart cath tomorrow "just in case". He said he was having epigastric pain and sweating badly. I swear I worry more and more about him everyday. It would also help if he would stop smoking and drinking, I don't know, its not like I'm a doctor or anything, just doesn't take much brains to figure that out.
Ok I could go on and on but I'm not gonna. I hope things start to make sense again at some point.

Weird

well school is now officially akward and weird. I can't even look at him in the hallway. It's stupid! Everyone keeps asking me about prom and crap but I don't want to answer because that would bring on even more questions. I don't even know how to act now. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Oh well, gotta switch classes, this will be interesting.

Why me? Why now? Why?

Well, where do I start? How about the fact that I feel all alone now? I know I have friends but they just seem so distant now. MB doesn't even act the same around me. I'm sure HD hates me now and I don't blame her. I don't even know who to believe anymore. Its so ridiculous. RA hates me as well. I'm seeing a new side of him now. Trying on dresses didn't help at all either. I am going to run and eat only fruits and vegetable for a week, maybe even longer than that. Gah, I don't even know how to express the way I feel right now. I had everything and then I lost it. I have no one to talk to now. I don't want to make things worse with MB, RA doesn't want to talk to me or I'm afraid to talk to him, I don't want my mom to worry, and my dad is always drunk. I almost lost it this weekend. He was getting on my last nerve!! I can't even be happy that I finally got a job. I mean yes I'm getting paid but it is working at a vet clinic in their kennels. At least I well get to work with the dogs, they won't have any bad feelings toward me.
I feel so worthless right now.
"one good thing about music-when it hits-you feel no pain"
"sometimes all you can do is laugh to keep yourself from crying"
"is anybody out there? I feel like I'm talking to myself, No one seems to know my struggles and everything I come from. can anybody hear me?"
"there is always some pain behind every smile and a tear behind every I'm ok"

Bittersweet Times

Well, it's been an interesting past couple weeks. I have had good and bad days both shadowed with it's opposite.London was amazing but shadowed with ED. Sunday after London was great but full of guilt. Monday was happy and sad. Tuesday wasn't the best but good at the same time.
I have lost someone very important to me but at the same time I know it's for the best and it bothers me not to talk to him. I know it kills him to know that I still love MB. But at the same time I like RA. But he is always telling me to just go be with MB and maybe now I will. I kinda feel like that's what he wants me to do and that he just wants to get rid of me. But at the same time I know he doesn't want that.
MB is also confusing as well but I'm not going to get into that. I'm just so grateful for him sometimes. He really tries to help with ED and he is the closest to understanding it as well.
I am so excited for the summer and this year to end!! Maybe my life is finally turning around.

Picking up the pieces

Time to figure out my life and move on. There is no time to just sit around and complain about stuff, that doesn't help anything. I just wish I didn't have to choose between two amazing guys, I don't want to have to hurt either one. Every time I think I have made up my mind I change it and am stuck again. I know what I really want but at the same time I want something else to. I really like them both but in totally different ways. I just wish they could understand. They both mean soooo much to me. Like one is so much fun to be around and he really does care and I don't know, I can't really explain it. the other is just always been there for me and he has been the closest to understanding me and ED, he can most of the time make me feel better. Both also have down sides as well. I don't want to make things worse for one guy because I just cause him drama and pain. The other is just unpredictable and I never know when he is telling me the whole story.
Over all I like them both for totally different reasons. I just can't make up my mind.

Its a hard knock life

I've just been thinking about thinking a lot and have decided a few things. Why do I complain all the time but never do anything about it? Starting now I am going to do something about it, weather I like it or not. I am going to start working in school and start actually doing my homework. I realized that there is always someone out there that can help and can understand. I am going to enjoy the little time I have left in Nashville and not care about the little things.

Not the best day in London

Today was horrible. I am so ready to come home!! I just want to be alone for a while, I am always with someone while I'm here. I also thought that with all the walking and healthy eating I might lose weight or not at least not gain weight but it didn't turn out like that. I feel soooooo bad right now. I am just fighting to keep the tears away. I should be having the time of my life right now but I definitely did not today. I feel like a fat pig and I am one of the rare fattsos that are here in London. They are all so pretty, thin, and confident. I just wish I could be like them so much. Instead I am this fat, lazy, pig.
All I want right now is to go home and be by myself and cry cry cry. Or at least get to see him finally, I just want someone to talk to that semi understands. Well I guess I got to go now, I don't want say what I am thinking right now.

London!!!!

Well it is amazing here!! Everything is so cool! So far we have seen a whole lot and there is plenty more to see. We've been to the Tower of London, The Globe Theater, Tate Modern, and Hyde Park.I can't even pick a favorite. Tomorrow we get to go see Westminster Abbey, Parliment,Buckingham Palace and Cushing of the guard,and then we will figure out what to do from there. I could go on and on about everything. The buildings aare so old and beautiful here as are some of the boys haha, jkjk. The food is also really good. The bus system is so confusing and hard to figure out but they are fun to ride on. The tube is really cool as well it just has a lot of steps. It is all just incerdible! I haven't been so happy in a long time. It has also eased my mind on ED to where its not all that I think about. But when I do it's horrible, like right now. Everyone here is sooo skinny!!! I hate myself right now. there are two down sides: my feet are killing me and all the gingers here. Everytime I see one I think of him and how much I miss him. I find myself constantly thinking about what he might be doing at that moment. I think about how nice it would be to have him here with me. Maybe he would carry me since John won't or can't. Kidding kidding. RA I miss you sooooooooo much!!

Goodbye Nashville......for now

LONDON!!!!!!
I am sooooo excited, it is finally here! I don't even know what to say. I can't wait to see Westminster Abbey, it is going to be amazing. I have a feeling St.Patricks Day will be fun as well. The whole trip will be fun. Hopefully I will lose a lot of weight too, cross my fingers.
There will also be a lot of down sides. I am going to really miss my brother and friends. Although I like to think that I won't but, I know I will. I wish I could bring them all with me, especially RA. I am going to miss him soooooo much. I'm going to feel like I'm missing something all the time without being able to talk to him. But weather he likes it or not I'm going to use my ipod to talk to him whenever I can, but I will try not to wake him up or keep him up. My mind decided to be very cruel to me last night and gave me a very pleasant dream with him in it. Now all I can do is think about it and how I won't see him for a week. I shoulda gone to his house last night and made myself stay awake. RA I'm going to miss you and will be thinking about you everyday that I am gone. ( I know I'm creepy)
Although I may hate my brother sometimes I am going to miss him a whole lot! I'm going to miss being able to talk to him and just hanging out with him. Instead I'm stuck with Dona, she will start to get annoying after a while.

Long Day

It was a very very long day. I was sick most of the day and had a HUGE headache. I felt like my head was about to explode. All I wanted to do all day was sleep which I finally did in Fourth and it made me feel a little better. After school was just a mess of stuff. I had to drive all the way out to independence high school, then all the way back, then go to target, then consumer depot, then finally home. Then the best part of my day, I got to see him!!! I just wish I hadn't been so tired, all I wanted to do was lean on him and sleep. Let me just say this, HD was crazy to let him go!!

Whats weird is that today I don't feel bad for eating as much as I did. I'm sitting here telling myself that I should be mad but I just can't get myself to do it. I do still feel bad but not nearly as much as I normally do. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm going to London and figure I'll just burn it all off tomorrow. I feel like the harder I try the more weight I gain, wtf??? I swear I am though. My mom saw my wrist tonight and I felt horrible lying to her, but I couldn't let her down again.

Ok -> BAD -> Worse -> Ok -> Great -> Blah

Today started out ok kinda. I still had the regret left from last night after I got to my dads. Then when I got to school things only got worse. I just felt like yelling at everyone and just being alone. By third period I had the biggest headache and my throat was killing me and I just really wanted to go home. So I finally got home and took some meds and read for a while. Then I just had to get up and have a bunch of cookies, stupid stupid me. Then came the sugar rush. Let me tell you, when you're sick and you try to move around a lot it doesn't work at all. I was bouncing off the walls. Then the best part was going to see him :) I wasn't sure if I really felt like going but I'm soooooo glad I did!! I loved spending the afternoon with him, even though I locked my keys in my car like an idiot. When we were sitting on the couch I just wanted to lean on him and go to sleep so bad, but that would have creeped him out. Everything felt ok with him there. It's weird the minute we went our separate ways I started to go down hill again. The sickness came back, the guilt, the disappointment in myself, everything came rushing back. I just came home and layed on my bed and have barely gotten up since. I will once my bro gets home though and I will have to go back out in the cold and wet again. Now it looks like I have a long night ahead of me; I've got to try to write a paper, listen to my stupid dog bark and never shut up, stick Kleenex up my nose, have a humidifier on in my room and probably not sleep very well. Oh well, I'm just glad I got to spend that time with him today.

Dream A Little Dream of Me

"Dream A Little Dream"

Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you".
Birds singing in the sycamore tree, "Dream a little dream of me".
Say "nighty-night" and kiss me. Just hold me tight and tell me you'll missme.
While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss, I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.

Bipolar Day

Well it was one hell of a bipolar day today. For many reasons. First I got up late and barely made it to school on time. MB saw my wrist and that started him for the rest of the day. Then I almost started crying in front of a teacher, I just had to explain to her way I was so behind on my work. I felt like I was making up excuses. Then I had to dry up before I got to second. Then he saw my wrist for the second time and freaked out. I don't see what the big deal is, I'm fine and it's over and done with. Then I thought he was mad at me again. Third was ok, I brought my grade up some and I found out some stuff from MB, not like its anything new to me though. Then I got to see him again, I wish I could just be serious with him and not laugh whenever something is wrong. Then he got mad at me again and I tried to sleep in fourth but it didn't work well, to much talking. Then after school I screwed up yet again. I also had to drive all the way out to ashland city again. I just wanted to keep driving down the interstate and never come back. When I got home I had a sandwhich and two pieces of cake, ugh ugh ugh!! ruined the day. The best part was getting to see him :) He was so mad at me and I just wanted to fix it. I don't know what those two are planning but they need to stop. I think they both have their own motives. She wants him back and he wants me back. If that doesn't happen then they will end up with each other. Anyway, he is Awesome!! I still feel like he is still a little confused about what to believe but I don't blame him. And I didn't laugh at you!! And, I'm going to kidnap Chip!! I've got a plan.
Now I'm at my dad's and he is drunk and is being really annoying again. I'm so close to just going off at him right now.....
After I get done with this I'm going to go to my room and stay there and not eat anymore and stay away from him. I guess it will be a night of music and RA. At least this time I have someone to talk to this time.
Over all today turned out good. Thank you RA!!!! Just give me some time....

I just want to say sorry to all the people that I have disappointed in my life. I know I can't say it to everyone but I wish I could. I know I'm screwed up and I'm sorry. I just wish I could explain what goes on in my mind. It makes no sense to me.

Yet Another Breakdown........what is wrong with me??

I am so freaking tired right now. After tonight I feel like I have a huge weight lifted, even though everything isn't fixed yet. I should try doing what I did tonight more often. I feel better than I did a few hours ago. I just left the house and didn't have any idea of where I was going. I wanted to just get on the interstate and go somewhere really fast. but I didn't get far before I had to stop driving. I just sat there balling like a baby and thinking about how the last year I have ruined almost everything good in my life and it completely sucks. I felt more alone tonight than I have in a long time. But seeing him and his doggie made it so much better. I didn't want to leave at all, but I had to. So here I am again trying to do my homework for the millionth time while fighting to stay awake. So all that I am left with at the end of tonight is a wrist that kinda hurts, a sore throat, itchy eyes, and a busy mind.

Why Me??

Why me, why do I get all of this crap? This screwed up life? My dad, divorced parents, no job, ED, guys? I'm tired of dealing with the crap between my parents, I'm tired of worrying about my dad and seeing him do this to himself, I'm tired of feeling useless, I'm tired of fight ED, I'm tired of trying to deal with all my guy friends, I'm tired of being me.

This is all I know:
I love both of my parents, no matter what, but I just get really mad at them sometimes. I have an ED of some type (even though I don't want to admit it). The only guy friend that I know will always be there for me is BD and maybe RA. I love MB and probably always will but I think I might also be starting to  love RA.

What I don't know:
Why my parents can't stop arguing, ever. Why my dad sees my 18th birthday as an opportunity to save money my not having to pay child support anymore. Why I can't get rid of ED. Why ever friend that is a guy I always end up hurting them somehow. Why can't I just run away. Why can't I do what is in the back of my head that I want so badly to do.

RA:
You don't know how much it meant to me that you came to my house. Who knows what I would have done if you hadn't shown up. Thanks :)

I just can't get out of my mind all of the things people said to me today. It just reminds me how I am just worthless and a piece of shit.

I want to do it so bad right now. Why can't I make myself do it?!?!?!?

I'm so sad, I can't even do it. I just sat there and stared at it.

I want to do everything and anything that I can think of.

Upside down and All around

Well it was a very long day for me, it just wouldn't go by fast enough. Today I just realized how fast this whole year has gone by and I just wish I had more time. More time to get myself back to normal, to spend with him, to spend with my brother, to try new things, to enjoy my senior year. It seems like a lot of my time is spent worrying about things. But there are plenty of things I am grateful for. I just can't help but think how much better things would have been if I were happier with myself. I just keep screwing things up at the end of everyday, but I guess that just shows how weak I am.

School today wasn't that bad, just went by slowly. My favorite was Agee's class. but after that it was just blah. I failed yet another test in Econ even when I felt like I did pretty good on it. Then I had to go to government. Where in between classes I got a little tiny bruise on my wrist because someone wouldn't let go of me. I don't know why he did it, he wasn't even acting serious or mad, he was laughing the whole time but he never let go. But whatever, it's no big deal, it will be gone by tomorrow.
Then I went home, acted like a pig, went back out to run some errands for my London trip, and got to see him <3. Even though it was cold I loved being able to see him. I just forget everything when I'm around him and I don't feel like the failure that I am. I just hope he doesn't give up on me. I just want him to understand, that I don't know how long it will take me to fight and end this war inside me, but I am doing everything that I can to win it, it's just extremely hard and painful. Anyway, thank you for being there for me and putting up with all my crap, you deserve better than me.

Ok, I can't hold it in. I feel like a complete piece of shit right now. Shopping does not help at all. I am now officially bigger than I was before all this crap. Which makes me feel even worse. Then I come home and can't stay away from the f***ing food!!! I am such a fatty!! It is ridiculous!! Now I feel like I should stay up all night to get rid of the calories and fat that I just had but I 'm so tired!
On top of all this I'm starting to worry about my dad again. I don't know exactly why but I just am. I am also starting to miss my grandmother a WHOLE LOT. Not just seeing her but the past one before this year and all the health things. I feel like I'm starting to lose the closest person I have right now, and I can't even bear the thought of losing her. But now, when I look at her I can't help but to think about how much longer she has. I look at her and pray to God that she hasn't given up the fight, because it looks like she has. It's getting to where I don't even want to be around her anymore because I'm scared, I don't want to see what has become of her, I don't want the reminder of what I feel like I'm losing.
It also reminds me of how I feel like I AM losing everything. I'm leaving home next year and I will barely get to see my brother who I love sooo much, I'm leaving my dad, I'm leaving my friends and RA, I feel like I'm losing everything that I had built up for 11 years and having to start all over again. I don't know, I guess I'm just being a big baby.

Happy

Today was the first good day I have had in a long time, although it wasn't the best either. 1st, I got to sleep in. Which I needed really badly. 2nd I got to stay out of the house all day. I sold my old phone finally. I had a really good cup of tea even though it smelled horrible. 3rd I got to see him!!! I may have looked like crap but I didn't care, he was there. I can't do anything but smile around him and act stupid. I just wish he hadn't done what he did. I'm afraid he will do it again. I mean I've done some dumb things but not like that. I wish I could just take him away from here and start a new life somewhere else. But I guess we can't run away from our problems, I've tried. But if your reading this, don't give up ok? I know you can make it through this mess. It won't be easy but It can be done. Just know I'm always here for you. I'm not saying I will understand completely what your going through, but I might be the closest to experiencing what you are. Not that I know everything that your going through. Just don't give up, if i had who knows where I would be right now? I'm glad I didn't though, and I know you would eventually be to.

Now for the bad/sad part of my day. ED. Well I had to drive by the children's hospital today and it made me think. It reminds me of so many things happy and sad.
Happy
thin, MB (at the time), summer, volunteering, brother, the feeling that I was doing something right by being there, Jessika and Garrett, no school for two weeks, being lazy, farmville (kept me from extreme boredom), reading (read one in a day)
Sad
mom being worried and sad, Dr. Callahan, brother, no school, getting fatter, feeling like i was in prison, not being able to go outside, not being able to use the bathroom, stuffing myself to the point of sickness, MB not coming to see me (feeling like I don't matter), not being able to go to MB games, being there over Easter, feeling like I disappointed everyone, not being able to see my friends, the hospital room, having only 15 TV channels
Every time I think of or see the hospital I think of these things and more. So when I drove by this afternoon I couldn't help but to think this bad thought. I wish I could go back to those two weeks. Just to be truly happy again, to be thin again. I wish that I could go there again because that would mean that I'm thin again.

Quotes that I like

Life is too short to wake up in teh morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it, if it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Never regret something that once made you smile.

There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see, that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see. through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit. Remember that.
                                      ~Tupac

Out greates glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
                                   ~ Emerson

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
                                   ~Mark Twain

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic. but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorful, or you're not alive.
                                 ~Mel Brooks

It is our choices that show who we truely are, far more than our ablities.
                             ~J. K. Rowling

I reject your reality and substitute it for my own.
                        ~Mythbusters

A lie which is half  a truth is ever the blackest of lies.
                             ~Aristole

People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wither and die.
                               ~Plato

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
                             ~Fredrich Nietzsche

Drunkenness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness.
                                ~Betrand Russell

Frustration

Why won't he believe me? Why does he continually put himself down? Why did he do what he did? I kinda feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I know exactly how he feels, the want for the anger, the disappointment in yourself, the frustration, the lose to just go away. I've just never taken action on the thoughts that I had, but he did. I guess I no longer have to keep my side of the bargain. Now I'm scared I'll do something again and he will try his little trick again, but it may not turn out as good.
I spent a good part of my day worrying about him. I feel like no matter what I tell him he won't believe me and will continually think he did something wrong when it was no where near as bad as he is making it sound like it is. I'm starting to think he was better off before I was in his life.

* Neverland *

I dream of a place, where there is no evil, no opposites, no arguing, no sadness, no worries, everyone is equal. There, there is just beautiful landscapes not crowded by city buildings. There you can actually see the stars at night, you can hear the crickets and frogs, you can watch the sun rise without buildings and telephone lines in the way. People never get mad at others for no reason at all. People would actually listen to what other people say, they would try to really understand and not just nod and act like they care. People would be happy just to be alive and not think the world is going to end if they screwed up. There would be no deathly illnesses, people would only die because of old age. In neverland everything is perfect.
But no one knows it better than me that this would never happen, there will never be a neverland. Instead we live in this cruel world of hurt, anger, pain, sadness, and anxiety.

Today

WORST DAY EVER!!!!!!!

enough said

Just another Day, mostly

Today was just like the rest of the week has been......horrible. I started out by being lazy the night before and not doing my homework early and then trying to stay up late to do it. Then I barely slept for various reasons; I was trying to do homework, my light in my room was on, and I had a lot on my mind. It didn't help that I had a dream about MB, and it wasn't a bad one, and I kinda liked it. What is wrong with me????? I spent the whole day trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Then I try to blame him and when I try  to explain why I'm mad at him I can't because he didn't really do anything.....today. Then to make the day worse Cody was being a complete jerk. Don't really want to explain it. Then I had to act as taxi for my brother and his friend. Then I had to race home change grab something to eat and run right back out to talk to another guy that annoys the crap out of me. Then my savior came and got rid of him. This was the best part of my day. I stopped thinking about all the crap from today and just enjoyed the time I spent with him. I was sad when it was over but I was getting soooo tired and wanted to try to get some sleep. Then right before I lay down K shows up at my house. After he leaves I have to go play taxi again. Now I'm back at home for the night and I am exhausted. I still have homework to do but I am debating weather or not I want to even attempt to do it.
The whole day today I was just feeling numb to everyone and everything, except the creek. I just don't want to have to talk or think about all that is going on right now. I don't know I'm hoping I feel this way because I am so tired.

I offically hate high school

I hate hate hate high school. I can't wait until I leave this place. I feel like I have to watch my back everywhere I go. You can never plan on anything happening for sure, cause it won't happen. Everyone only has themselves on their mind. It surprises me some of the stupid things that people will do. Then they wonder why they are having so many problems in life. A lot of the people are all talk and never do what they say, they just want people to think of them in a certain way, when that's not who they really are. High school turns them into something they aren't for 8 hours a day.

So today I went to my spot at the creek again and it was bittersweet. I love just sitting there and listening to the water and the birds. It helps me to concentrate and think, I was gonna do homework this time, but I was to distracted. I thought I had royally messed up. But I deserved it, he deserves better than me. The sad part was that I didn't even have any tears left after this week of semi hell. I couldn't even get one to fall, so instead I just curled up under my blanket and sat there, eventually I took a very quick nap. But as always, I had to get up and face reality. I had to go back to the perfect brother, the disappointed mom, the negative images I have of myself, and I had to think about getting my grades up. If I could I would have stayed there all night. I just wanted to float away down the creek.

For a split second I was mad at him, but then I thought about it and he was in the right. I wanted to just yell at him "you promised you would never leave!!" That's exactly what it felt like he was doing. At that point I was kinda numb, I didn't know what to do next. All of this because I'm a stupid, weak, little girl. The one time I see MB, unexpectedly, that we aren't fighting he sees us. I was so excited that I was going to be able to see him then when he walked up to me he barely said anything to me. From then on my day went down hill. At first he wouldn't even talk to me, then when he finally did my heart sank. I didn't even have anything to say because he had a point and there was nothing I could say that would prove him wrong. Even if I did it's not like he would believe me. Now he won't even blame me for today, when it really was my fault. I wish he wouldn't think of himself of as such a screw up.

Who knows what I would have done without him. I don't even want to think about it. He makes me feel like someone cares what happens to me. He is the only one that I feel like I can even tell stuff to.

I just feel like a complete screw up right now.

What's Wrong With Me?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I feel like such a failure when he isn't around. I just lock myself up in my room and put myself down. I feel like such a fatso that eats everything. I almost made it today except I had some yogurt, blueberries, and some banana bread. No one knows the impact that their comments have on me. "Pig" "you need a bigger spoon, why?, so you can eat more" "Dr.pepper bottle" "you're thick". I know they shouldn't bother me and they may be just joking but I just can't take it as a joke, not now at least.She said those things today while for lunch she had way over the amount of calories I aim to have in a day. She doesn't know how lucky she is to be able to eat anything she wants and not gain any weight. But then she turns around and jokingly calls me a pig. When people say stuff like all of that to me it takes everything in me not to cry and break down. I feel so weak!! I wish I could go back to under 500 calories a day. I wish I could go back to 93lbs. I wish I could go back to when there was not ED. If I ever get back to that I will not let anyone change me again! ever! I don't care if others don't like it, it makes me happy.

I wish I could stop causing him pain. But I don't know what else to do......

I wish I wouldn't chicken out when I try to tell him stuff or smile and not show what I am really feeling. I can't seem to show anyone the pain and anger and frustration that is inside me. I'm afraid one day I might do something I would regret. Everyday is a war inside myself between right and wrong, good and bad.

As soon as he left, I was back to the sad girl that I am recently. When he left, I just started to think about what was and start to feel like crap again. While he was here was the most I have laughed in the past two days. I'm glad I got to show him at least some of who I am, not that he doesn't already know a lot. I'm also very happy that after this afternoon he didn't think I was some crazy ED girl with to many problems in her life and is waaaaay to dramatic about things. Or I hope he isn't just saying that it doesn't matter to him. I don't know how HD ever let him go or could treat him that way. I would never be able to do that to him.
But at the same time, I'm afraid to get to close to him because I will be leaving for college this summer.

When I see the pictures from last year, it tears me apart inside, to know that I lost that. I want soooo much to have that back. Every time I see those pictures I wonder what happened and how I let myself lose it. I don't care if I have to go through all that pain again to get back there, I'll even go through worse. Not only was I happy about myself then, my grades were great, my family was doing fairly well, and I had no crap going on at school. It was just an overall good time for me. Well I better go, I'm starting to lose it yet again.......what is wrong with me?