Where to even start.....

Today has just been a mess and I fear it is only the beginning of a long onslaught of nastiness. And it is only the second day of classes. Its not really even the classes themselves that are messing with me so much, its all the side stuff. All the little things that add up.
I guess it doesn't help that I haven't been feeling all that great the past few days, i've been blaming it on the move and classes starting but I am starting to wonder if thats really it.
Classes have been fine and as expected. I have just had little things that really bother me. Like money, who doesn't worry about that. I worked soooooo hard all summer to save up so I could at least have some cushion but that is slowly going away and there is still stuff I have to buy for classes even though I thought I was done spending money.
My brother wants to join the army, basically for the money. So that worries me.
My dad is not doing good at all. His whole family has given up hope that he will ever stop drinking. My grandma and I think that he has just done it so long that he will never stop. All we can do is pray but you know what? ( and what I am about to say is horrible and I hate myself for saying it) I have prayed about it my whole life and nothing ever happened so I don't even do that anymore. Its all just another big let down. Ya know what sucks though? even though I am used to his crap and have given up that he will ever stop, it still kills me every time I see him drunk or on his way to being drunk. It breaks my heart. I still get mad at him for it. But I still get surprised. Like after he went to the ER and had an alcohol level of .4 I was stupid enough to think this really might be the last straw for him to get back to being sober for good. I thought he was actually doing it this time and I was so excited to be able to see him on my way to school. I should've expected what happened. He wasn't there when I got there and I didn't see him till night time and he was drunk. and I was SURPRISED that he was!!! I actually thought he was going to be sober. He kept telling me he thinks he has it this time, while he was drunk. He has been going to AA meetings but he goes drunk!!! He isn't only breaking my heart, he is breaking his families too. I think my grandmother suffers the worst which pains me even more to see. I just found out he is yet another rehab facility, we'll see how this one works out. I could go on and on about him and the heartache he causes but I won't bore ya'll with that.
I am also worried about my mom b/c she has so much on her shoulders and I think it is really starting to wear on her. She is really broke and I wish I could help her. She has to take care of herself, her mom, and my brother when she needs to focus on herself more.
RA is  still around but he just moved back into his campus and now I worry about him being stupid or cheating, etc. He still has the pic of him and his friend that is a girl when he was drunk on his old phone for some reason. He loves me and I know it and deep down i know he won't cheat on me but on the surface I am scared out of my mind that he will break my heart or find someone better than me. I don't think I will hardly see him any this semester any because I refuse to go down there as much when I am paying rent and have a room of my own. So if he misses me enough, he can come down here. I doubt that will ever happen bc i just don't think he cares that much. I guess I will find out.
On top of having to spend more money for school I just found out that the sound isn't working on my laptop, which  sucks bc it is my only source to watch tv or listen to music. its not that big a deal but on top of everything it makes me feel even worse.
Oh and when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair off with my towel a flea jumped off!!! thats just F#$%&^ great!!! Now I have to worry about fleas and stop by the management office yet another time. I was hoping to actually sleep tonight but now I doubt that will happen.
Of course with everything going on I have been eating like a cow and now look like one too. it doesn't help. and Im to busy worrying about everything else that I dont do anything about it or i just say F#$% it and be miserable.
So obviously the new meds aren't helping any, at least not yet. I'm starting to think that i am just stuck this way no matter what.
time for homework
out

well this day was crap. after work it just went downhill. I was so hungry when I got to RAs that I ate waaaaaay to much.  I also asked him why I always went to his house and he never came to mine, his excuse was he didn't want to leave his dog.......
that didn't help any. I mean I love him he just has some bad attributes. then as I was leaving his house, i was just messing around with him and was hitting his back, not too hard (or I didn't think it was) but it hurt him apparently and he smacked my back a few times. I felt like I had been whipped it hurt so bad, so I just left without a kiss or anything.

I don't enjoy pinterest anymore b/c of all the skinny tan girls everywhere on it.

Like i really hate myself right now, I feel like I can't do anything right, at least not right now.

I know im probably being over dramatic but thats just the way I feel and nothing helps me feel any better.

well bedtime for me, gotta go to work again in the morning, hopefully it will be a better day.

long time no see

ugh!!! thats all that comes to my mind right now. I'm not enjoying my job like I used to and I'm not saving any money. The move is stressing me out. Just not all together recently. I have my good days but recently its been full of down days. I don't know what else to do. I want to take some days off and go to west TN but I need the money and can't use what little I do have on gas to drive down there.

I'm at work now, I really shouldn't be doing this right now but I really needed to let some of this out.

Is it bad that I haven't even talked to RA about how I've been feeling?? I just, idk, guess I just feel like all he is gonna say is "fix it" "do something about it" "I'm sorry" etc.... which doesn't help. I know he has kinda gave up on trying to help me and I kinda understand why but saying all that other stuff almost makes it worse.
It kills me to say it but I'm ready to go back to school, I feel worse now than I did while in school.

I hardly get to spend any alone time with RA. One of my best moments so far was staying up till 1am talking to an old friend that I hadn't seen in two years. Which also makes me feel bad sometimes b/c I had to keep it from RA b/c he doesn't like him or trust me.

I guess a big thing for me is moving out of the house that I have grown up in. I feel like I have no true home anymore. I don't feel like I can call my grandmother's house home, especially since I have no privacy there at all, everyone has to walk through my room to get to the bathroom or to the kitchen. The house is 100yrs old for goodness sake!!

I honestly don't know how i have been keeping myself together this long. So tired of everything. Sometimes I really just want to run away with the little that I have and start over. Thats how bad I feel.

ugh, I gotta go before I start crying my eyes out and try to find some sort of food. Haven't eaten anything since 5am and doesn't look like I will be getting a lunch. Or maybe not, I don't need food, with any luck I'll pass out and get to go home or something.ttyl

Finals time....stressed!!!!

Well, all I can think about right now is how tired I feel even though I sleep I feel like I haven't slept for days. I am really worried about my grades, especially my cost accounting grade. Its so bad that I think I am gonna have to retake it. its not that I don't understand the material, I just don't test well or quiz well apparently. And add four finals on top of all of that. I am just ready to go home, see RA and my family. Grandma has been in the ER twice in the past two weeks, and I am really starting to worry about her. I wish I could see her or send her flowers but I can't even afford that. My one relaxer of wandering Target and getting something for fun, I can't even do that anymore. I am tired of having to ask mom for money, I really hate doing that. And for some reason I feel like im losing RA, which I couldnt handle right now. I would completely lose it. He barely talks to me anymore. I know he is stressed to and he hates when I worry at all (at least it feels like that, Im prob just being crazy though) and he gets irritated with me more than he used to. Maybe its just b/c we havent really gone this long without seeing each other. I just really miss him and it hurts sometimes b/c it feels like, sometimes, he doesn't miss me nearly as much but I know he does miss me. I wish I wasn't so attached.

Like, I want to have more friends and go out with them but I don't b/c Im afraid he will think Im out with guys or cheating. Or I'll feel guilty b/c Im having fun without him or would enjoy it more if he were there with me. 

Oh well, I need to stop talking about him.

I need to go study and do some work but for some reason I can't make myself get up and do anything productive even though I know that it will make me feel worse and make my situation worse if I don't do anything. 

My only escape recently has been music. More specifically the songs from Nashville and SMASH or any soundtrack really lol. I don't know, for some reason they help, not sure how much but I feel better when there is music. I really want to start playing the piano again but I dont have the time to do that or money to pay for the sheet music. 

Well, my brain has gone silent for now. guess ill go then. ttyl

ready for summer

four more weeks then I'll be going home. sadly my brain has already checked out for the semester which is really not good. I have a stats test tomorrow night and ive studied a total of 10 mins so far. I just cant focus on anything school related. I just want to lay in the sun and read my books......wish i could.
Im in Econ class right now but am bored out of my mind. all i can think about is getting out of class and taking a nap but I really need to go study. Im so jealous that RA is going fishing after class, i wanna go relax.
ugh getting a headache. better go.
keep ur head up

Friday

well, im in a really good mood for no reason at all and im pretty sure im going to crash both physically and mentally at some point tonight. soooooo.......im going to enjoy the happiness while it lasts. cause its rare that i ever feel this good. hopefully Kirby will txt me later and ill go out with her, maybe. we shall see what the night brings....

long day

its been a super long day and not an easy one at that. I have gone from feeling like im at the top of the world to the bottom of it and everywhere in-between. its not fun and its wears on you. Im pretty sure im gonna have to withdraw from that class. idk what Im gonna do and i dont want to even think about the shame im gonna feel when i have to tell my mom and ryan.

I dont think tomorrow will be any easier. ill probably find out for sure if i should withdraw cause i have to go back to the professor to talk to him about it and from his face and attitude when i talked to him today, i don't think it will be good.

its like i told my uncle earlier. I have lost my focus that i had first semester and i have realized it to late to fix it or do anything about it.

I keep seeing all these motivational and positive things and quotes that should help me to feel better and be more positive but they don't. at all, i just want to yell at them like they are a person and its their fault. its not anyone's fault but my own, no matter how much it wish it werent true and try to deny it. i know that it is.

im starting to feel all alone again even tho i have people that i can talk to. i guess its cause they cant truly  understand what im feeling. they try to help but most of the time it doesnt help. cause for some reason my mind is twisted like that.

i hope this is just a mood and will pass, i cant handle days of this. i just want happiness and to have it for a while, not just for a short time and stuff to come back again.

This is one of those times. i am screaming on the inside but on the outside im as silent as a mouse. oh well, like moves on weather we r ready or not. guess all i can do now is hold on till this storm passes.

the struggle

well, I seem to have done it again. I screwed up. I got back on track first semester and I let it go this semester. now Im looking at a possible withdrawal from my acct class, which is required for my major. adding to my future course load or summer classes. On top of all that, I am completely broke. I can't even go buy milk, hopefully my paycheck for working over spring break will not disapoint me. I feel a big crash coming on and its not gonna be good. I just can't seem to stay on the right track. well time for econ class. be back later

Pain and Suffering

Last night was rough and the worst part was that it came out of no where. It's just, I waste so much time doing useless stuff instead of school work. I do it to myself all the time.

This day is not going good at all. If its possible I feel worse than I did last night. The pain from last night only gave me a few hours of relief this morning. All I can think about is all the work I have to do and all of my other problems and in the end, I get nothing done cause I spend to much time thinking about it or avoiding it. I sleep every night but I wake up feeling like I haven't sleep at all. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am going to try to start going to the gym again, that may be part of it. I'm almost sure thats part of the problem. I'm just so tired I don't want to go but Im gonna make myself go today. Im gaining to much weight, which doesn't help at all.

I just want to give up sometimes. just stop, pack my bags and drive away from here and start over. but even with all my worries and problems I still want to stay around because of the people I love. I don't know, what I'm doing or going to do. All I can do is stare.

I havent felt this miserable in a long time. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. I just feel so inferior and worthless.

I just don't know...

Been a While

I haven't written in a while but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. guess im finally doing it right now, or trying to. A lot is going on right now and I feel like I'm slowing slipping back into the hole, unfortunately :/
  A lot has been on my mind recently and I'm not even sure why. maybe its because I've been spending so much time alone recently or I feel like I have. Haven't technically been by myself for a decent amount of time for about two weeks which is weird for me. I love my alone time, thats why I'm gonna try to get a single next year and just deal with a hall bathroom.
  I've realized that I can be fickle sometimes and really not make any sense. People who don't know me might think I'm bipolar or something.
  The main thing on my mind recently has been my body image. If you have been reading sense I started this blog you know that I battled/battle with an eating disorder and had anorexia. I'm still eating but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't analyze everything I eat and pester myself about going to the gym. Most of the time I can just ignore it now, thats what I have learned to do over the years. but some days can get pretty bad still.
 See, sometimes I wish I were not as good looking as I supposedly am because of all the attention but at the same time I strive to be as pretty as all the other girls I see everywhere. When I look at myself all i see is flaws, everywhere. But at the same time I am so screwed up because at this point I know how the world sees me I just don't see it in me. so I guess I am constantly trying to become what people think i already am. Idk if that makes any sense at all but I tried.
  As for the other stuff I think about...well its a lot. Starting with my dad and all his strengths and weaknesses. He still drinks but not as much as he has or was last year. But I still get upset when he does drink, so upset that I don't even want to be in the same house with him. One time I was staying with him at grandma's in Humboldt for the weekend and at 8:30pm on Saturday night I got so upset that I just up and left and drove to Martin to be with Ryan. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, it just kills me that after everything he still drinks. Just sometimes I think he doesn't really want to stop cause he has been struggling with this all my life.
  I also think about school and all the work I have left to do and sometimes I feel like just giving up but others I just want to keep fighting and prove that I am capable.
 Well, I ran out of words for tonight, theres plenty more to say, I just don't know how to put it into sentences tonight. Till next time <3