Well, all I can think about right now is how tired I feel even though I sleep I feel like I haven't slept for days. I am really worried about my grades, especially my cost accounting grade. Its so bad that I think I am gonna have to retake it. its not that I don't understand the material, I just don't test well or quiz well apparently. And add four finals on top of all of that. I am just ready to go home, see RA and my family. Grandma has been in the ER twice in the past two weeks, and I am really starting to worry about her. I wish I could see her or send her flowers but I can't even afford that. My one relaxer of wandering Target and getting something for fun, I can't even do that anymore. I am tired of having to ask mom for money, I really hate doing that. And for some reason I feel like im losing RA, which I couldnt handle right now. I would completely lose it. He barely talks to me anymore. I know he is stressed to and he hates when I worry at all (at least it feels like that, Im prob just being crazy though) and he gets irritated with me more than he used to. Maybe its just b/c we havent really gone this long without seeing each other. I just really miss him and it hurts sometimes b/c it feels like, sometimes, he doesn't miss me nearly as much but I know he does miss me. I wish I wasn't so attached.
Like, I want to have more friends and go out with them but I don't b/c Im afraid he will think Im out with guys or cheating. Or I'll feel guilty b/c Im having fun without him or would enjoy it more if he were there with me.
Oh well, I need to stop talking about him.
I need to go study and do some work but for some reason I can't make myself get up and do anything productive even though I know that it will make me feel worse and make my situation worse if I don't do anything.
My only escape recently has been music. More specifically the songs from Nashville and SMASH or any soundtrack really lol. I don't know, for some reason they help, not sure how much but I feel better when there is music. I really want to start playing the piano again but I dont have the time to do that or money to pay for the sheet music.
Well, my brain has gone silent for now. guess ill go then. ttyl
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