Where to even start.....

Today has just been a mess and I fear it is only the beginning of a long onslaught of nastiness. And it is only the second day of classes. Its not really even the classes themselves that are messing with me so much, its all the side stuff. All the little things that add up.
I guess it doesn't help that I haven't been feeling all that great the past few days, i've been blaming it on the move and classes starting but I am starting to wonder if thats really it.
Classes have been fine and as expected. I have just had little things that really bother me. Like money, who doesn't worry about that. I worked soooooo hard all summer to save up so I could at least have some cushion but that is slowly going away and there is still stuff I have to buy for classes even though I thought I was done spending money.
My brother wants to join the army, basically for the money. So that worries me.
My dad is not doing good at all. His whole family has given up hope that he will ever stop drinking. My grandma and I think that he has just done it so long that he will never stop. All we can do is pray but you know what? ( and what I am about to say is horrible and I hate myself for saying it) I have prayed about it my whole life and nothing ever happened so I don't even do that anymore. Its all just another big let down. Ya know what sucks though? even though I am used to his crap and have given up that he will ever stop, it still kills me every time I see him drunk or on his way to being drunk. It breaks my heart. I still get mad at him for it. But I still get surprised. Like after he went to the ER and had an alcohol level of .4 I was stupid enough to think this really might be the last straw for him to get back to being sober for good. I thought he was actually doing it this time and I was so excited to be able to see him on my way to school. I should've expected what happened. He wasn't there when I got there and I didn't see him till night time and he was drunk. and I was SURPRISED that he was!!! I actually thought he was going to be sober. He kept telling me he thinks he has it this time, while he was drunk. He has been going to AA meetings but he goes drunk!!! He isn't only breaking my heart, he is breaking his families too. I think my grandmother suffers the worst which pains me even more to see. I just found out he is yet another rehab facility, we'll see how this one works out. I could go on and on about him and the heartache he causes but I won't bore ya'll with that.
I am also worried about my mom b/c she has so much on her shoulders and I think it is really starting to wear on her. She is really broke and I wish I could help her. She has to take care of herself, her mom, and my brother when she needs to focus on herself more.
RA is  still around but he just moved back into his campus and now I worry about him being stupid or cheating, etc. He still has the pic of him and his friend that is a girl when he was drunk on his old phone for some reason. He loves me and I know it and deep down i know he won't cheat on me but on the surface I am scared out of my mind that he will break my heart or find someone better than me. I don't think I will hardly see him any this semester any because I refuse to go down there as much when I am paying rent and have a room of my own. So if he misses me enough, he can come down here. I doubt that will ever happen bc i just don't think he cares that much. I guess I will find out.
On top of having to spend more money for school I just found out that the sound isn't working on my laptop, which  sucks bc it is my only source to watch tv or listen to music. its not that big a deal but on top of everything it makes me feel even worse.
Oh and when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair off with my towel a flea jumped off!!! thats just F#$%&^ great!!! Now I have to worry about fleas and stop by the management office yet another time. I was hoping to actually sleep tonight but now I doubt that will happen.
Of course with everything going on I have been eating like a cow and now look like one too. it doesn't help. and Im to busy worrying about everything else that I dont do anything about it or i just say F#$% it and be miserable.
So obviously the new meds aren't helping any, at least not yet. I'm starting to think that i am just stuck this way no matter what.
time for homework
out