WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I feel like such a failure when he isn't around. I just lock myself up in my room and put myself down. I feel like such a fatso that eats everything. I almost made it today except I had some yogurt, blueberries, and some banana bread. No one knows the impact that their comments have on me. "Pig" "you need a bigger spoon, why?, so you can eat more" "Dr.pepper bottle" "you're thick". I know they shouldn't bother me and they may be just joking but I just can't take it as a joke, not now at least.She said those things today while for lunch she had way over the amount of calories I aim to have in a day. She doesn't know how lucky she is to be able to eat anything she wants and not gain any weight. But then she turns around and jokingly calls me a pig. When people say stuff like all of that to me it takes everything in me not to cry and break down. I feel so weak!! I wish I could go back to under 500 calories a day. I wish I could go back to 93lbs. I wish I could go back to when there was not ED. If I ever get back to that I will not let anyone change me again! ever! I don't care if others don't like it, it makes me happy.
I wish I could stop causing him pain. But I don't know what else to do......
I wish I wouldn't chicken out when I try to tell him stuff or smile and not show what I am really feeling. I can't seem to show anyone the pain and anger and frustration that is inside me. I'm afraid one day I might do something I would regret. Everyday is a war inside myself between right and wrong, good and bad.
As soon as he left, I was back to the sad girl that I am recently. When he left, I just started to think about what was and start to feel like crap again. While he was here was the most I have laughed in the past two days. I'm glad I got to show him at least some of who I am, not that he doesn't already know a lot. I'm also very happy that after this afternoon he didn't think I was some crazy ED girl with to many problems in her life and is waaaaay to dramatic about things. Or I hope he isn't just saying that it doesn't matter to him. I don't know how HD ever let him go or could treat him that way. I would never be able to do that to him.
But at the same time, I'm afraid to get to close to him because I will be leaving for college this summer.
When I see the pictures from last year, it tears me apart inside, to know that I lost that. I want soooo much to have that back. Every time I see those pictures I wonder what happened and how I let myself lose it. I don't care if I have to go through all that pain again to get back there, I'll even go through worse. Not only was I happy about myself then, my grades were great, my family was doing fairly well, and I had no crap going on at school. It was just an overall good time for me. Well I better go, I'm starting to lose it yet again.......what is wrong with me?
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