Ok, I feel like I am soooo screwed up! I feel like all I do I make people disappointed in me, like I can't do anything right.
Right as I think things are getting better, I some how screw it up. I am older than my brother by three years and he is still my mom's baby. I get straight As and I don't get into trouble, I don't do stupid things, I do stuff for her all the time, I'm a taxi for my little brother all the time and I get into a really good college. But she still treats me differently then my brother. Like, last night my brother and I just got back from a one day ski trip with a friends church. I had only 4 hours of sleep then went skiing and had a 6 hour ride home and didn't get to bed till 12. We were planing on going into school late but I didn't get up till 10:30 and thought whats the point in going to school, by the time we get there we would only be there for like one class. I gave my brother every opportunity to go but he didn't say that he wanted to, so we stayed home. When I get home from having a great time with a certain person :) all I get from my mom is "why didn't you tell me that you didn't go to school today?", "your brother is close to getting in trouble because of how many days he has missed", like he can't speak up for himself and it's all my fault that he didn't go to school. I didn't know I was supposed to keep up with my brothers life as well as mine. She says she isn't mad, she is just disappointed in me. He is always been given the easy life. He gets sick and the world is going to end, but when I get sick, ewwww, go in your room and stay away from us. I swear, sometimes I feel like she doesn't care about me or that he is her favorite.
Why can't I let go of this guy, he doesn't matter to me anymore, but I still can't let go. Everyone says to just not talk to him or anything. But they don't know what he means to me. I've known him all my life and he has always listened to me. He understands me......most of the time. But he has this little problem, he can't stay away from other girls and he can't tell me the truth. And for those reasons I can't stand him. I just don't know why I can't let him go. Why do I spend time and energy and tears over him?????
Why can't I control myself? When I'm away from home, I barely eat, but when I get home I pig out, on anything and everything. I feel so weak.
But, even with him (yes you :) ) knowing all of this crap about me and knowing how screwed up I am, he still likes me. Why??? I'm not even worth it. I'm just scared that I will end up hurting him or him hurting me or people making stuff up about me (idk maybe what they would say would be true). I didn't realize how much he meant to me..... until he said goodbye. I lost it and didn't know what the point of trying was any more. I wish I wasn't so scared to tell him how I feel about him. Also, I'm going to college, what then?? How would I say goodbye?
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