Well hello,

it's been a while....

Tonight has been a struggle. One of the hardest I've had in a while. So here I am trying to let some of it out before I do something I will regret or upset RA.

Life has been a whirlwind the past few months. Graduation, job search, new job, life occurrences. And of course there is always the internal war within me. I have to admit, I have had a lot of good times this summer. And I have gotten a lot better with things in general and am enjoying life a little more. I don't know what exactly is changing or if its just re-occuring but I feel like I'm going back down again. And, honestly I'm kinda scared about it.

I have been working out for the past 2-3 weeks at least 3 times a week and up to 5 times a week. I have been doing ok with eating healthier. But for some reason today was hard. All I wanted to do was stuff my face. I need a day off from exercise because I'm a little sore. The closer it got to five the more I wanted to go to Logan's to have a real chicken salad. But of course I can't just have a salad. I have to have a roll, peanuts, and fried zucchini fries as well and half a cookie when I got home. It wouldn't have been as bad if I had worked out before it or at all but I have been sitting on my butt all day at work. So not only did I feel extremely full but when I undressed for a shower and looked at myself I was angry and ashamed and frustrated. I wanted to do one of two things that I hadn't done in a long time.

I just can't believe that I still have yet to gain back my self control that I had before all this mess. I'm starting to wonder if I should just give up and try accept the way my head works and that I will never be that way again.

What upsets me sometimes too is that now I feel like I can't even really talk to RA about it cause it upsets him or he is just over it and fed up with my crap. Yes it hurts but how can I blame him? After 4 years of putting up with it who wouldn't be tired of it.

While at the same time I started a new job and am learning all this stuff for this job and trying to do the best I can there and keep a smile on. Some days its hard and some days I just don't want to be there but I make myself stay and work hard. I know that one day I will move up and grow and even get my masters I just need to be patient. Everyone has to start somewhere.

Also, RA went back to school so I am having to readjust to that as well. I don't even want to get into that.

DD went to start his freshman year as well. He seems to really be enjoying it except for one class but we all have that one class that we hate. I a glad that he is doing good so far. I was worried that he wouldn't even go to classes to begin with. So now I am home with mom and so she can focus on my now instead of him but don't get me wrong he is still her baby. She just doesn't like me working out and stuff. And sometimes I just want my space but she is right there and I feel bad if I close my door because of the AC.

Idk, life is just hard right now. I just needed to let some of it out whether or not someone reads this. It helps.

Night.