What is wrong with me??

well, hmmm
Don't know how to put my thoughts into words. Maybe cause I'm not sure myself. So many thoughts going through my head.
Well I know I hate having to be away from him. I can't be happy when he isn't near. He makes everything go away. Friday night was one of the worst nights ever. I was home but not with him, then I feel extremely guilty because I didn't go to the game which they won and he also hurt himself in and lost his voice, I was exhausted, I was/am fat, I felt alone, I felt useless, and the question of 'why am I here?' kept going through my head. I meant it in the sense of why was I home, no one wanted me there---why am I going to Rhodes, there's no point, I'm not smart enough or know what I'm doing, I don't fit in---why am I on this earth, I don't do anything worth while, I'm just there wasting space and air and food. All night was what's the point of me existing and I began to think dangerous thoughts. I wasn't wanted anywhere, or at least bad enough.
and recently I haven't been making good plans about my eating. which isn't a bad thing to me. maybe I will lose some of this fat I have everywhere. Hopefully I can make myself workout more too.
Well, I'm scared to. that I'm going to lose him. He is going to find someone so much better then me. someone that actually deserves him. He is so amazing and perfect to me, I know it sounds cheesy.
I wish I would be the one to get hurt, not him, cause he doesn't deserve it and I hate to see it happen to him and I feel so useless b/c I can't do anything about it.
I feel so left out as well, like I don't belong anywhere now. I feel like if I just left no one would know. Like, idk, no one needs me. I go back and I just feel in the way, so maybe I won't go back as often. Esp. to work, I'm really not wanted there.
As for college, not the best thing in the world. don't know what else to say about it.
well time for me to go get depressed again, right as I was feeling better after going home. Let the week in hell begin.

I F$%^ING HATE MY LIFE!!!!