annoying

I wish sleep would come and save me before I lose it completely. The thoughts and memories from the past are fighting to get center stage in my mind. The later it gets into the night, the more attention those thoughts get. its taking everything in me right now to not get up and go to the top draw of my desk and do the deed. I'm barely able to keep from crying, but I'm making it.                                                                                                                                Well, frankly, I'm tired of the up and downs of my emotions and mind. I will have an amazing guy but somehow it will get ruined by bedtime. Right now all I can think about is memories and what once was. Not so much of what I am now but more of pain over what I have lost. I just have to remember that I have also gained some things as well.  I have gained an amazing guy, the knowledge of who my true friends are, knowing that appearance isn't everything (even though it still bothers me), and the importance of being yourself. I have lost complete happiness (that is, w/o the voice saying you're fat all the time), I've lost some friends, I lost myself, I have lost people's trust, I lost my confidence and drive, and I lost some of my faith. So, see, there are pros and cons, the question is..... which side will win?                                                                                                                                                   This past week has been the best week for me all year almost. I don't remember being so happy in a long time. I thank you RA for sticking with me through all my crap and bipolarness lol. I enjoy every minute with you.  You are the only one who has come anywhere close to understanding me and my issues. See I even forgot all about ED for a the time it took me to type that. You have no idea how much you help me everyday. I love you!!!!!!!                But the minute I log off I will return to battle, my only hope is for sleep to come......