Well let me just start out by saying, Today Was Freaking Awesome!!! Even though it was super hot outside I still had a great time. Today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. (Even though it did have some shadows) Yesterday was a great day as well; which is surprising considering how much I freaking ate! Besides me having to work this morning, today was amazing. I'm so glad he came with me to the festival (again, it was hot!). I didn't feel like a complete odd ball this time. Then the afternoon/evening I spent with him was my absolute favorite of the day. I could just lay with him all day and be content. RA, just want to let you know, the few tears that did fall were not b/c of anything you did, it happens to me all the time. Also, I LOVE YOU!!!! Wish you didn't have exams and I didn't have work, and maybe I coulda stayed longer, but hey, we have all summer :)

and of course ED isn't far behind. What is weird is that I had a few times during the day that I actually thought about doing something, which hasn't happened in a while now. I don't know, I feel like all this happiness is going to be taken away by my bipolar depression again. I just need to accept the fact that I am a screw up and I am worthless. I have freaking gained 30 pounds in less than a year. It kills me to think how hard I had to work to lose all that in the first place. It kills me that I can't get myself to do it again. It kills me to see my favorite pair of jeans folded up in the back of the closet b/c I can't wear them anymore. It kills me that I don't even feel comfortable wearing jeans at all. It kills me that I am not what people think I am. I am not skinny, beautiful, hot, small, nice, etc. I am none of these things, but whenever someone says something like that it just makes me want to work harder to fill what they think I am but at the same time makes me want to give up. I don't know, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.