Well I feel like I'm falling, and falling quick. I have had a semi-great week. I was actually feeling good, until today. I'm trying to keep my head up, I'm trying sooooo hard to. but I don't know how much longer I can make it. I'm having thoughts come back and the depression. I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is ever good enough, nothing works. Everywhere I go, there are memories, of what was and reminders of how I have given in. I mean, this week was really good, compared to the others. It was my birthday, I didn't go to school for most of it, I got my yearbook, had my last full day of high school, spent an amazing night with this guy. But today was all downhill. This is exactly why I don't like to go out anywhere. I see all the skinny girls, all the clothes I wish I could wear, all the food I wish I could eat, all the fun I wish I could have. But right now, It all feels kinda hopeless, how long will it take?
I just want to escape for a while. I want to go out and leave this reality and this pain. I could really use it. I think my mom would kill me if I did that. I would go right now if I didn't have to work or take exams. I would just go, with no plans, sleep in my car if I had to.
FML!!! My mom and brother are going to the Y and I can't even bring myself to go. I know I need to but I just can't do it right now. It's not gonna happen. Once again, they are so much better than me.
Oh man, I wish I could put into words what I am thinking right now. How can you go from one day being great to the next being complete crap? I don't get it, it's horrible. Like I can't even cry right now, I'm not even angry, I just kinda am. but my brain feels like its going to explode.
I have no one right now, or that's what it feels like.
I have felt worse than this before but I have never had to thoughts that I am having now. I hope I'm not turning into my dad....
RA where are you when I need you!!
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