Well, right as I get caught up on my work I get slammed again. I just got done reading 26 bible verses, which was horrible. I still have 51 pages in my english book due friday along with a paragraph response, 94 pages in my lit book due friday as well, a whole book to read and write a paper on due Monday.
As for today, not the best but not the worst. I had three classes, wrote a 1-1/2 page paper and did my reading for tomorrow's class. I cleaned Bobo's tank (which is now spotless), I think that made him very happy. And of course I ate like a pig, it all adding up to 1,200 calories :'( I had a yogurt at 8:30, then at 11:15 I had two huge bowls of cereal, then I just ate two boca burgers (w/o the buns), a bunch of peanut butter and some carrots. Way to much!!!! The sad thing is I really want to go get some dessert out of the vending machine. Its so tempting but I know I cant and would hate myself later for it. So that is a no go for me tonight. I'll just suffer, its gonna happen either way.
I just want to go home!! I look at my wall and tears come to my eyes, I miss him so much (and its only been barely two days since I left him). I go outside and I want to cry because Im not home, I love this weather, its my favorite but I can't enjoy it with him or Lucy. I can't just go walking around down here unless I want to get raped or killed. Maybe that wouldn't be to bad.
I wander will I will ever feel at home again. I get it temporarily when I with him for those precious hours but then its gone. I feel so seperated from things way out here, alone, well not completely i still have him to talk to. I just can't seem to get over the fact that I'm not gonna see him every day and its killing me. I need to get over myself, everything doesn't revolve around me, the world moves on wether im there or not. I simply want/wish to be there but can't. I can't be there when he gets hurt, I can't be there when he is down, I can't be there when he is confused, excited, happy, tired. I have to watch from the sidelines. He was/is my life, now its boring and the days of the week just go by without a pause. Full of reading, sleeping, not sleeping, sitting in class, eating, feeling down, not smiling, waiting for friday night to come. Then the weekend does come and its gone again, I spend half of it waiting to see him, knowing he is within sight or mins away but i can't see him or be next to him, its killer.
And I know he is having a good time while Im gone. He may try to hide it but i see through it. plus its his senior year. its only a matter of time before he finds someone better then me. He has some of my favorite teachers which also brings back memories, good and bad. like i told him, carrots, tea, and 93 lbs. but along with that goes soooo much more. theres puppy lucy, fall and winter, fruit, running, thin thin thin thin, calorie counting, bugs,heart rate, cold all the time, hospital, football, baseball,rumors, trotter, snakes and taylor, 100 Oaks, shopping, food network channel, broccoli, anger, happiness, hurt hurt hurt. All of this and probably more consisited of my Junior Year of high school. I look back on it with regret and sadness, with wonder and amazement, with happiness and the feel of great accomplishment. I am proud of the things I overcame, ashamed of the things I did, glad of the friendships ended and the new ones, regrettful that I let people tell me what to do which lead to my unhappiness that could've been avoided. I start to think sometimes what would've happened if I had found the right people to talk to if things would've gone easier. sometimes i wonder if matt had acted differently, like actually came to see me at vandy, actually told me that I wasn't being healthy instead of encouraging it. what if jessika had shown more worry and not all smiles, what if she had said something sooner as well. so many what-ifs run through my head.
so, in sum, kinda, yes Im extremely happy with where Im at but at the same time i wish i was still that 93 lbs, If i could just have the weight with the people I have now, that would be perfect.
ok well, i gots a lot of reading to do so i better get on that. RA, I love you soooooo much and thank you for being there for me and putting up with my crap, I wouldn't be here without you. I hope i never lose you. as for the rest of the night, I can't tell you how it will go.
bye for now
No comments:
Post a Comment