where to start

things have been crazy lately. I don't even know where to start. I really should be studying for my accounting test tomorrow but i can't focus or even think right now. Im hoping writing will help me feel better. the last two weeks have been tough. I go up and down, up and down. dads been in and out of cumberland heights for his alcohol/drug problem and, well, i am honestly tired of dealing with that. I grew up dealing with it, trying to get him to stop, to many nights crying and worrying. I know this sounds bad but I had to get that out. i feel like i have done all i can do to help him. I love him and want him to be happy and get better but, idk can't do it anymore, its all up to him.
gregory is growing up. he has a truck, just no license plate and crap. he loves his new "freedom". I just hope he is being careful and would talk to me more. he barely does anymore.
well, as for me, its hard to explain. I am happy with where I'm at and sometimes not so much. I just wish I could find that happy medium. wish I weren't so attached to ryan. he doesn't even understand how much he matters to me. and i feel/know he doesn't feel as attached to me.
I miss home and am ready to move back for summer break. I'm so tired at failing at everything i do here at rhodes, I'm not smart enough to be here. I'm to lazy and dumb. i give up to easily. I'm tired of always worrying about papers and tests, its always one or the other.
I wish I wouldn't eat so much and exercise more. I'm so tired of this, I'm over it. it will never go away and i need to just accept that.
im tired of feeling so alone when I'm not. i have ryan and my mom. i shouldn't feel that way. guess its cause they don't really understand what I'm feeling. I don't really talk to them about what exactly I'm feeling, so how could they even begin to understand?
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats all i feel like right now. just so over it all. I'm so frustrated with myself. i need to stop being so jealous and lazy and stupid and dependent.
ugh, i just want someone to talk to and to understand without being embarrassed or feel like I'm being judged.
wish i could talk to ryan
wish i could talk about or explain what i have been feeling lately.
i just want to cry