FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML !!!!!!!! ok, I have recently realized how much of a complete screw up I am. I really really am. I treat my friends like crap and I don't care almost anything anymore. It's almost like I have given up on trying to get back what once was. I have been trying not to admit it to myself but I think I have slowly lost who I truly am. I don't know when it started happening but I have a feeling it had to do with ED, in differents ways and reasons. I am no longer the good student like I used to be, I no longer keep to myself, I no longer have control over food/eating, I am no longer as nice as I used to be, I have huge mood swings now, its ridiculous. I purposely avoid spending time with my mom now when she used to be all that i had. I miss the happiness of last year, the good times. Now all I have is trouble and depression. I feel weird saying that but I don't know how else to explain it. It doesn't help that now its getting warmer out and I have nothing that fits, its all from the 93 lb me, which I miss so much!!! Hopefully I can at least get to 100 lbs again soon. I can't keep going on like this anymore, its killing me.
I can hardly stand spending time at my dad's either. He seems like he is constantly drunk now. It makes me so mad. Plus he acts so stupid. He doesn't even try to hide the beer now. I'm debating weather or not I should tell him how I feel. I don't want to hear more crap and see him cry and him try to find something in common with me or try to make excuses. I've heard to many by now. I'm soooooo tired of it! It takes everything in me not to yell at him sometimes.
(RA your gonna hate me for what I'm about to say)
The only thing keeping me sane right now is MB, at least it feels like it. He keeps me motivated and trys to get me to run everyday. He can always make me feel better and he was the only one who thought I never had a ED in the first place. I feel like I can tell him anything and he would never judge me for it. Like at the game one night, I cried my eyes out in front of him and he didn't run away. He talked to me about it and told me I could fix it I just had to work at it everyday.
Also the one year anniversary of the hospital stay is coming up. Which doesn't help any at all. I find myself thinking about it more often now. I sometimes wish I could go back to then. I know its horrible but its true. Its a symbol/sign that I was still skinny or smaller than I am now. A sign that I was still doing something right. I remember sitting in my room at night watching Pirates, texting MB, and not having any worries but when I was getting out. The best part was when I finally got to leave, I will never forget that day! I got to go eat something that wasn't hospital food, than I went home and enjoy the fresh air for the first time in a week and a half, than I went to his game to surprise him. I will never forget his face when he found out I was there. At the same time I remember the day I had to go to the hospital. I had had a really doctors appt. when out of nowhere the doc decided I needed to go to the hospital. I was so mad and didn't understand why. but I had no choice but to go. So before I went home to get my stuff together I went by his game. Sense I couldn't wait till the end of the game I had no choice but to get him out of the dugout. I tried to hold the tears in while I told him where I was going. I didn't want to leave him but he had to play so I left in tears just as I had come in tears. But I still look back on that week as something I will always want to go back to.
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