ugh!!

I am going on a roller coaster right now. Up down, up down, up down..... One moment I feel great and the next I'm falling apart. I'm tired of it. Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I'm just so tired of what I plan in my head not actually happening. I'm so close to just giving up. I keep thinking of things I haven't tried before. I think about not eating at all or fasting for a little bit. but deep inside I know it won't work. I know why but I don't want him to know, it's embrassing, its the one thing I haven't told him. At least I don't remember telling him. Only one person outside of my family knows and thats MB. Its just something I fight with every single day. It is what keeps me from losing weight and in a way excersising. Also I have had some thoughts about drinking, and I have come close to actually doing it. I know its wrong and I hate it with a passion but I just want to forget everything and have some fun. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, feeling like I'm worthless and that I can't do anything. All I see in myself right now is a fat, lazy, stupid, annoying girl. ugh! I wish I could write and explain what I am thinking right now! Its so frustrating!
The other night had to be one of the worst nights ever. I felt so freaking bad. It was so pathetice. I was laying in bed, curled up next to my stuffed elephant, balling my eyes out. I couldn't even let it all out or I would have woken my mom and brother up. I was just so overwhelmed with the past year and what I have become. I was frustrated with myself and how I let people tell me what to do. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be where I am today, feeling like shit every f***ing day!  I went from a size 0 to over a size 5! I refuse to buy any bigger then a 6, absolutely refuse to. I wake up everyday thinking this is a brand new day, you can do it, you can be normal, but it never works out. I always screw it up like the idiot that I am. Sometimes I feel like I will be stuck like this forever. I can't even look at my prom pictures without holding back frustration and tears.
On a good note, Lucy is home tomorrow!! I am soooo excited to see her. Plus I don't have to work! I just hope its nice outside again. I also got this huge stuffed elephant, Manny, I love him!! He is adorable, he makes me feel better, and he is always there when I want a hug. I know, I'm crazy. And today was so much fun. The sun was actually out! It probably also had to do with the fact that I actually exercised some as well. Seeing him helped a lot as well. I forgot about stuff for a little bit. and I didn't have to go to work.
But now I'm home again and in my room trying to fight off the sadness and tears and loneliness. I'm sure it will happen at some point anyway though. I still can't find works for what I am thinking. Maybe its because I'm in such a good mood. I don't know.