Today started out good, then went down from there. I'm tired, more of mentally then physically. I never thought I would hate reading but that is coming true right about now. This is really getting to me, but I'm not surprised, I knew I wouldn't do good. It was just a matter of when I would start going down.  Which reminds me that I need to take my medicine, ugh. Hopefully it won't make me sick again. Or maybe that would be a good thing and I would actually throw up all this food.
I don't think that I'm going to try to do anymore reading for today, I have everything done for my morning classes. Thats all that matters now. I can do the rest on my 3 hour break. Then after that class I have to write another paper and I am going to do it before 8:00pm.
My workout today was killer, I am so out of shape but its so hard to find the time and energy to do it everyday.
So I just took a shower and I feel even worse. My stomach is being fickle and I just plain feel ugh. I just can't seem to be happy and I kinda feel a headache coming on :(
I wish she would just leave me alone for a few mins, I really just need some quite right now, I feel like I can't think with all the chatting she is doing. There is only so much I can take. But at the same time I like her and I would prefer to have her over most anyone else.
Ok, I really miss him. Esp. right now, I want his arms around me and for him just to be next to me, maybe then I wouldn't feel so bad right now. Ok, gotta go bout to start crying, not good, she is still in here.

ugh

Today went by fast, which is good and bad. Good because it wasn't to boring, bad because I still haven't written my Life paper and it is due at 8am tomorrow and I am still trying to get through the reading. This books is one of the hardest I've read so far. I have to go so much slower to try to comprehend what is being said. And it is really frustrating me to no end.
I feel the bags under my eyes forming again and I haven't done anything to need them. The bad part is that I have to stay up later tonight to do the paper which I have a feeling is going to be really hard. I don't like talking about religion at all, I prefer keeping it to myself.
As for everything else, well, it's there lol. I am keeping up decently with all my other classes except for one but I'm not lost. Its kinda like a review for me since I took AP US history. I really don't think that I am going to do so well my first semester. I am no where near as smart as I need to be.
As for my mental well being, not so great either. I've just been trying to keep my mind busy, so I don't think about my weight, my stupidity, my laziness, missing home, worrying about him. It's a struggle sometimes. I hate to see one thing after another happen to him, I wish it were me instead of him. I wish I could stick to my plans, thats what really bothers me. If I could actually do my homework, if I could actually workout, if I could actually stop eating, I would be a fairly happy person. To be completely happy I would have to be with RA.
I'm so tired of everything, of trying. Why am I here (as in college)?
Also, I find myself thinking of my future. A)What will I be doing? B)Where will I live? C)Will I get married? D)Will I have children? E)Will I be with him still? Most of the time when I think about the answers if I had a say in them would make me happier then ever. My preffered answer for C would be yes and for E yes. (I know I'm freaking you out RA) As for A, B, and D, whatever makes him happy, cause as long as he is I will be. Again, this would be my dream world, which isn't going to happen.
Well, I gotta go and get this paper done, I could keep writing but I have got to stop.

What is wrong with me??

well, hmmm
Don't know how to put my thoughts into words. Maybe cause I'm not sure myself. So many thoughts going through my head.
Well I know I hate having to be away from him. I can't be happy when he isn't near. He makes everything go away. Friday night was one of the worst nights ever. I was home but not with him, then I feel extremely guilty because I didn't go to the game which they won and he also hurt himself in and lost his voice, I was exhausted, I was/am fat, I felt alone, I felt useless, and the question of 'why am I here?' kept going through my head. I meant it in the sense of why was I home, no one wanted me there---why am I going to Rhodes, there's no point, I'm not smart enough or know what I'm doing, I don't fit in---why am I on this earth, I don't do anything worth while, I'm just there wasting space and air and food. All night was what's the point of me existing and I began to think dangerous thoughts. I wasn't wanted anywhere, or at least bad enough.
and recently I haven't been making good plans about my eating. which isn't a bad thing to me. maybe I will lose some of this fat I have everywhere. Hopefully I can make myself workout more too.
Well, I'm scared to. that I'm going to lose him. He is going to find someone so much better then me. someone that actually deserves him. He is so amazing and perfect to me, I know it sounds cheesy.
I wish I would be the one to get hurt, not him, cause he doesn't deserve it and I hate to see it happen to him and I feel so useless b/c I can't do anything about it.
I feel so left out as well, like I don't belong anywhere now. I feel like if I just left no one would know. Like, idk, no one needs me. I go back and I just feel in the way, so maybe I won't go back as often. Esp. to work, I'm really not wanted there.
As for college, not the best thing in the world. don't know what else to say about it.
well time for me to go get depressed again, right as I was feeling better after going home. Let the week in hell begin.

I F$%^ING HATE MY LIFE!!!!

Well

I don't really know what I have to say, just kinda got on here. I should be working on college stuff, I still have a good bit of reading to do. I have also accomplished a lot today as well. I read about 70 pages of So Red The Rose, I have read my stuff for writing class and done my response on Moodle for Oral History. All I have left are about 15 pages in Living Folklore and a chapter in my history txtbook. It doesn't sound like a lot but it really is. What sucks is that I'm gonna get all this done then have more slammed on me tomorrow again. At the same time I have learned a lot already and I have enjoyed some of the reading but it leaves no time for other stuff. What's weird is that I am really tired but I have done nothing all day but sit on my fat ass and read. I swear I have got to find a way to workout everyday and stop being lazy.
I don't even know how to explain how I feel right now, there is so much going through my head, and I'm not sure if it is even stress that I am feeling. Like I said, I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling.
I'm tired, I miss his voice, depressed kinda, I miss all the dogs back home, sad, I'm scared, I miss him like crazy, I'm mad at myself, I miss 93 pounds, I miss having control, I feel numb almost, I wanta cry, I feel worthless, I feel lazy, I feel upset for some reason,I miss smiling all the time, and most of............all I miss being in his arms being with him every second that I could.
Whats even worse is that I am thinking about finding another therapist here at Rhodes or somewhere around here. I know, its horrible but I feel that bad now. RA, its not like you don't help at all, you do A LOT!!!! Honestly if it weren't for you I would probably be in big trouble right now. Its just, I don't know. I guess I'll give it a few days and if I still feel like this I will do something about it.
I feel like tomorrow is going to be a mess and I just hope I can handle it. Its just, the "bad thoughts" are coming back. I'm doing everything in my power to keep them away though.
As for Kate, my roommate, sometimes I love her and sometimes I hate her. She talks a lot and she is very organized. She stays up late, which is ok with me most of the time except for when she freaking talks to me till 12am and takes a long shower. She is good to go shopping with and workout with and stuff like that, its just when she talks forever.
Ah Bobo, what to say about him lol. I Love Him!! He is my buddy, he comes and looks at me whenever I'm at my desk.  I am slowing learning all his little habits, if thats even possible for a fish.
Well I feel a good bit better now. Guess thats good lol.
RA I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok my previous blog was exaggerated a little, I was just mad at myself

hmmmm

Well, let's just say that it has been interesting so far. I have had my ups and downs but mostly downs. It's been hard, esp. without him here. You don't realize how much having someone a few minutes away and having them 3 hours away can make a difference. And a big one at that. I usually run to him when I need to but out here, I can't and that is a bit of a problem for me. I will just have to learn how to work with what I have. Like right now, so many things running through my head. I want to eat something, I want to do something(cough cough), I want to excercise, I want to cry, I want to run home, I want to scream, and did I mention I still want to eat more even though I'm full from a few minutes ago? Yes, I am aware of my craziness. I feel like I'm losing it again after all this hard work and I'm so scared of that. The harder I try the worse it gets, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just give up and go die in a hole lol jkjk. but I kinda do feel like that sometimes.
Why is it so hard for me to do this on my own? I must be completely worthless (which I already knew).
Sissors sound like a good idea right now. bye for now

Well where to begin? and what to say?
first off, im not the happiest about college so far. to much happiness and talking for me. i need my alone time please. so im skipping most off the planned stuff for welcome week. its prob part of what has kept me sane these past few days. it has been way harder then i thought it would be to be so far from him.
so now he thinks that I dont want him anymore or something, idk. but its killing me to  see this happening. I dont want to lose him for anything. i just wish he could see that but I cant seem to get him to believe that.
i just, idk, its hard right now. im lost really, i cant seem to do anything right or say anything right, nothing helps. Im not gonna cheat or leave him, just wish he could get that.
RA you're my world and please don't let go.

Ok I hate football right now. It means less time with him :(

I don't know what else to do

I do everything in my power to show him that I don't have feelings for Matt anymore. And I thought that my messages on FB would prove that, guess not, they did the opposite. I wasn't on FB last night, I got on for a sec cause jessika commented on my status and I was looking at that, then I got off and got on craigslist for like 5 mins and then feel asleep.
Guess I screwed up again and it feels like there isn't any fixing it now. Cause now I know he doesn't believe and trust me and never will, no matter what I do. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this last summer. But as always I have to go and screw it up. I love him with all my heart and soul, I can't even express how much I love him, but it will never be good enough.
I love you RA, sooooo much. If you don't want me anymore ok, I sorta understand. I don't want anyone but you.

It's gonna be a long night

Well not the best day ever. Work was actually decent, thanks to Shelia coming back and the new puppies. The dentist was ok. I was already worried about RA but now I'm even more worried. I don't think football is a good idea for him, he is always getting hurt, is always sore, and extremely tired all the time. Then I had to go and make things even worse. I have now realized the horrible person that I am. I lie and am lazy and worthless and fat. I have let everything go, my school work, my room, and my ability to be a decent person. I can't even get myself to work out any more all I do is sit on my fat ass. The 130 lbs of me. I have gained 35 pounds since this time last summer. :( My room is always a mess cause I don't want to put stuff up where it belongs. I lie and am selfish. If I hadn't lied and been selfish I wouldn't be where I am right now with the person I love. I feel like I'm already losing him, the thought brings tears to my eyes. I now realize I brought it on myself, I learned my lesson, many times over. I'm being a brat about my car, Mike made me realize that, I'm spoiled. I don't even stop to think about others most of the time, except for RA I always put him first.
And whats worse is I actually thought about purposely getting in a wreck and hurting myself. Then I would be out of every one's way and I could punish myself for everything I have done. My world is falling apart just as it was getting perfect. This summer has been the best time of my life, honestly, no joke. He had helped me feel ok about myself and I kinda got back to the old me. I am truly happy when I'm with him. But I screwed it up.

I am fat, it is a fact now. I have lost all control, wish I could never eat again, but my fat ass can't do that. It won't even workout anymore. I'm so tired, but its gonna be hard for me to go to sleep tonight and work is going to be miserable tomorrow. Oh well

Why?

Why do I somehow screw everything up? After a long hard day I was finally doing better after I finally got to see him. He makes everything go away. I don't feel so worthless when I'm with him. But no, my asshole of an ex-bf has to go and be a jerk. He can't stand the fact that someone is better then him. Honestly you would you would really have to try to be worse then him.
And I brought this on myself. If I weren't such a horrible person this wouldn't have happened.
I wish he knew how much I love him (fyi, RA, talking about you now). And honestly, if you asked me to or I had to get married today, I'd marry you. (prob just scared you away even more) I never want to leave you, ever. I love everything about you and your family is awesome (most of the time).
RA the only way your gonna get rid of me is by telling me you dont care about me anymore.
Love you!!

Will I ever stay happy?

I'm done again, like way down. I'm fat and worthless. And right as I get happy with where I'm at I have to lose it. I only have a few weeks left here. all of this will disappear, RA, wht little confidence I had, and my happiness.  I will gain tons of weight and he will leave me. Oh well, thats my life for ya.

"So this, is love"

TI thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong, this is love, he is everything I ever wanted and more. I've never cared so much about someone as I do for him. It kills me to see him like this, I wish I was the one who was sick, he doesn't deserve this. I can't function when he is so sick. Bad sleep, can't do anything right, I miss him even though he is right next to me. He is all I can think about. I wish I could do more to trip him and make him better. Wish he would listen to me and let me help him.

I'm feeling kinda down as well. Probably just a mix of him being sick and me hating work and being broke and being fat. I'm worthless and pathetic. I have no effect on anyone or anything. Whats the point of me even going to Rhodes? Its not like I'm smart enough or am actually gonna do anything with my life. I feel like I'm just a bother to him and to everyone else. I was more useful when I was sick.

I'm spoiled, thats wht I am. Haven't had to work to hard for stuff, mom always got me almost anything I wanted. Well I need to grow up and stop being a baby.

I do know he makes me happy, he makes it all go away. I just gotta be strong for him now, when he needs me (or I think he does). I can do this, I'd do anything for him.

Ok back to college. I'm going to fail out. I can't do it. I'm not smart enough. I'm to lazy and unsocialable. I'm gonna have a horrible roommate and hate it. I won't be able to see him everyday either.

Oh well time to grow up.

LOVE YOU RA!!!!  Forever! Please dont ever leave me (unless you don't love me anymore).

Found it!!

I have been trying to find this quote for a long time. I heard part of it in a movie. It is part of one of Tennyson's poems.

"Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful doze I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow,
The delight of happy laughter,
The delight of low replies."

I don't know why but I like it.

well.....

He is out of town and retard kristauf is here so I am locked in my room. I'm kinda bored and missing him like crazy. I feel like such a baby, I have been fighting tears all day. I don't think I have smiled all day.
I have been doing a lot of thinking today, about a lot of things.
     1) my dad is being difficult. mainly about vacation time and child support money. he won't let my mom have one of his weekends when he does it all the time to her. I just want to scream at him. Stop drinking and creating drama all the time and life would be a lot easier for you!!!!
     2) College. How am I gonna survive? I'm not smart enough to do the work, I'm too shy, and I can't stand the thought of leaving him. I'm afraid its gonna get me started on my binging thing again. I'm afraid that I will hate it. At the same time I am excited. I finally get to be on my own, I don't have to worry about who's house I'm supposed to be at, telling my parents every little detail about what I am doing. The hardest part though is gonna be not being able to see him everyday.
     3) My future, what am I gonna do with my life? what will I become? Will I be a pilot, a vet/ vet tech, accountant? I'm tired of people asking and not having an answer, it makes me feel like I'm a disappointment.
     4) My weight/ED problem/issue. Am I getting better or getting worse? Am I really losing weight or gaining it? If I am doing better, will I keep it up or just crash when I go to college? I have also been thinking about the size I used to be and still wish I could have that back. I hate to try on clothes now, cause its all just a disappointment. Just another reminder of how fat I've gotten. But at the same time it doesn't bother me as much. I've got him there to help me feel better about myself. Even though I may not openly agree with him, it helps me. Sometimes I say negative things about myself just to get him to disagree, I like it, it makes me feel better about myself.
     5) My car. I really really want better gas and a smaller car but I don't want to spend the money and I don't have the money. I might but I have a feeling my dad won't give me much help and I'm not gonna get much for my car. I am gonna get a new one, just don't know when.
     6) Are Jessika and I done? Will we ever see each other again? To be honest I don't care if we are done or not. Idk we'll see what happens.
     7) And the biggest one, how much I love RA. I wish I never had to leave his side. I never would have pictured myself with him but I am sooooo glad I am. I haven't been this happy in a while. I really don't know how I will be able to live without seeing him when I go off to college. He is amazing and I am so lucky to have  him. Thank you RA and I love you and I don't plan to stop loving you anytime soon.

well, I'm starting to get sad so I am gonna go.

Days Go By, I can Feel em' Flying Like a Hand Out the Window in the Wind

Well, the summer has had its ups and downs, mostly ups. Now I feel a big down coming, I have been fighting it for a couple days but I don't know how much longer I can make it. The worst part is that it makes me eat even more, which doesn't help any at all and makes me feel worse. This morning was one of the worst eating wise, 2 100 calorie packs, 1 cliff bar, and 2 packs of powdered doughnuts :( I am sooooo scared that I am going to go back to the bingeing. I was feeling so good about myself and I was having an amazing summer. Why must this always ruin it?
The summer is going by sooo fast, its almost July aready!! I have a feeling its gonna start getting crazy again, but I don't mind, I'll eat like a normal person then. I feel like my days are numbered, especially with him. I can't even find words to describe how much I care about him and how much he matters to me. Love You RA!! Hopefully I can make the best of the time that I have left in nashville.

FML!!!!!

Hello again!!!

wow, its been a while since I have been on. A lot has happened. both good and bad, but more good. I have an amazing new boyfriend, who I wouldn't survive without. I think that maybe I have lost some weight and I'm not having as many or as bad of the ups and downs. Its more of the ups and a lot of tiredness ( lots of bad sleep and work). I am soooooo happy right now, or mostly, or happier than I've been in a while. A lot of it is due to RA. As long as I am talking to him or with him, I forget most of the bad and I have a great time. He thinks he loves me more, but I'm not so sure about that. Sometimes all I can think about is beng with him at the end of the day or at least at some point. It gets so bad that I just want to curl up with him and never let go. I wish I could be the beautiful amazing girl that he thinks I am, cause he deserves that.
On to the bad, my dad is getting worse. More so with the drinking, even on vacation with RA there he still did it. He openly drinks in front of us and my grandmother now. Now its to where I get mad and upset with him just because he has been drinking, and its not the way he is acting that does it. Just the fact that he did.
My grandmother is doing better and worse, if that is possible. Her hair has grown back, she is back at her own house, but at the same time I see the pain in her face everyday and she still gets sick some days. It breaks my heart.
I also had to get glasses. Enough said there.
Ummmm, I guess thats the main stuff, so yeah, bye for now.

annoying

I wish sleep would come and save me before I lose it completely. The thoughts and memories from the past are fighting to get center stage in my mind. The later it gets into the night, the more attention those thoughts get. its taking everything in me right now to not get up and go to the top draw of my desk and do the deed. I'm barely able to keep from crying, but I'm making it.                                                                                                                                Well, frankly, I'm tired of the up and downs of my emotions and mind. I will have an amazing guy but somehow it will get ruined by bedtime. Right now all I can think about is memories and what once was. Not so much of what I am now but more of pain over what I have lost. I just have to remember that I have also gained some things as well.  I have gained an amazing guy, the knowledge of who my true friends are, knowing that appearance isn't everything (even though it still bothers me), and the importance of being yourself. I have lost complete happiness (that is, w/o the voice saying you're fat all the time), I've lost some friends, I lost myself, I have lost people's trust, I lost my confidence and drive, and I lost some of my faith. So, see, there are pros and cons, the question is..... which side will win?                                                                                                                                                   This past week has been the best week for me all year almost. I don't remember being so happy in a long time. I thank you RA for sticking with me through all my crap and bipolarness lol. I enjoy every minute with you.  You are the only one who has come anywhere close to understanding me and my issues. See I even forgot all about ED for a the time it took me to type that. You have no idea how much you help me everyday. I love you!!!!!!!                But the minute I log off I will return to battle, my only hope is for sleep to come......

Well let me just start out by saying, Today Was Freaking Awesome!!! Even though it was super hot outside I still had a great time. Today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. (Even though it did have some shadows) Yesterday was a great day as well; which is surprising considering how much I freaking ate! Besides me having to work this morning, today was amazing. I'm so glad he came with me to the festival (again, it was hot!). I didn't feel like a complete odd ball this time. Then the afternoon/evening I spent with him was my absolute favorite of the day. I could just lay with him all day and be content. RA, just want to let you know, the few tears that did fall were not b/c of anything you did, it happens to me all the time. Also, I LOVE YOU!!!! Wish you didn't have exams and I didn't have work, and maybe I coulda stayed longer, but hey, we have all summer :)

and of course ED isn't far behind. What is weird is that I had a few times during the day that I actually thought about doing something, which hasn't happened in a while now. I don't know, I feel like all this happiness is going to be taken away by my bipolar depression again. I just need to accept the fact that I am a screw up and I am worthless. I have freaking gained 30 pounds in less than a year. It kills me to think how hard I had to work to lose all that in the first place. It kills me that I can't get myself to do it again. It kills me to see my favorite pair of jeans folded up in the back of the closet b/c I can't wear them anymore. It kills me that I don't even feel comfortable wearing jeans at all. It kills me that I am not what people think I am. I am not skinny, beautiful, hot, small, nice, etc. I am none of these things, but whenever someone says something like that it just makes me want to work harder to fill what they think I am but at the same time makes me want to give up. I don't know, I feel like tomorrow is going to be a long, hard day.