I'm still alive!!

        "Being in Love is a very strange thing. Your thoughts constantly drift towards this other person, no matter what you're doing. You could be reaching for a glass in the cupboard or brushing your teeth or listening to someone tell a story, and your mind will just start drifting towards their face, their hair, the way they smell, wondering what they'll wear, and what they'll say next time they see you. And on top of the constant dream state you're in, your stomach feels like it;s connected to a bungee cord, and it bounces and bounces around for hours until it finally lodges itself next to your heart."
                          The Power of Six by Pittacus Lore

ok well, where to start lol. christmas break was great but wish it was longer. my dad isn't doing the best but he is trying which is better than nothing. I just don't know what to do to help or say, it never seems to help or work. I'm so proud of him for trying to fix this and wish I could help him more but all i can do is encourage him which is still hard.
I finally saw my grandmother. she is doing ok but nothing like her old self and I'm afraid she never will be again. it hurts me to see her hobble around. plus, misty, her dog is at the end of her life. it even pains me to see misty in so much pain, i can barely pet her anymore. she has lumps and bumps and is losing her fur, she can barely get around. grandma walks with a bad limp and doesn't have much energy anymore. she stopped coloring her hair and now its just flat and gray. but she is in good spirits which is all I ask for. Im gonna have to try to stop by more often and see her. i just hate to see how old she has gotten and i guess, she just doesn't seem to be the same ole grandma i used to know and idk, somehow it hurts me to see that.
mom and gregory are doing fine. both wrapped up in rugby. gregory is spoiled and thinks he is invincible, which in my opinion is not a good thing. but i still get caught up in thinking that everyone likes him best and he turned out better than i did and isn't such a screw up as me. people see him and think perfect, he has the grades (kinda), the looks, the attitude (sorta), and has no "past" issues. so yes, sometimes I'm jealous of him. but ill get over it.
as for ryan, well, he is amazing. i hate ever having to leave his side for any reason. I love every minute i spend with him and hope he feels the same. I just wish i could be a better person to him and treat him better. he deserves way better than me and i thank God for giving him me, I'm so lucky to have him. and i want to hit myself every time i think this but, sometimes i wonder if he just likes me for my looks and not me. idk, i guess i don't understand how he could love someone like me who has so many issues and isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I hate myself for thinking that but just had to get it out. and i can't help but feel like I'm losing him. over the last couple of weeks the feeling has increased and it tears me apart inside to think that i could lose him. I'm probably just going crazy. now all i do is over analysis everything.
as for the new year, well, i have a feeling it will be interesting. i haven't really made a set list of goals for this year but i guess thats what I'm gonna do right here and now:
1) get back to running!
2) do better in school
3) improve myself- change the things i see that are wrong in myself, things that have been pointed out as    flaws in myself
4) not be so serious all the time
5) have fun!!!!!!!
as for Christmas, it was good. got to much, like always. hopefully one year my mom will listen to me and not get me anything. idk, it just didn't feel like Christmas this year. i feel like cindy lou who from the grinch.
I finally got some time to read again!!! and i love it!!! i just hope i get to keep it up this semester. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed it.
ok, time for random thoughts.
i can't help but to think/feel that i am holding RA back and i hate that.
i see my faults and flaws and hate them and myself for it...
  but at the same time i see how far i have come and am proud of myself, sorta
ok well i better stop before i get into one of my "moods"
be back eventually